To think marriage vows don't mean a thing anymore

[worldshottestmom]

May get flamed for this, but I'm used to it.

One of the biggest things I hate about marriage is the vows. It's just becoming increasingly apparent that few people seem to take them seriously anymore, to the point that I'm wondering why they're even a thing now.

This isn't even really about divorce rates, either. It's women getting diagnosed with a terminal illness and their husbands leaving. It is now common practice for healthcare professionals to prepare terminally ill women for divorce / to be abandoned by their SO. What ever happened to in sickness and in health?

Frequent MN threads about frustration from women when their husbands lose their jobs and struggle to find a new one, saying they're looking at divorce over it. What happened to for richer or poorer?

Marriage in itself, to me at least, is a vow to be loyal. Yet even as far back as the olden days, a couple get married and the man is back with his 2nd family the second the honeymoon is over.

These days a couple get married and ten years down the line are both having affairs and fighting over who gets the dog.

There are endless examples and I just can't help but feel like marriage is a complete sham, but its the vows that irk me the most. Why not just stand at the alter and say we agree to marry each other for the financial benefits and because its the done thing, kiss, done. At least it would be honest. Weddings just seen to be an excuse to spend 30k on a nice dress and a huge party. It all just feels like one big roleplay to me at this point.

Disclaimer: I'm aware some people mean their vows and are happy in their marriage. Im aware there a circumstances that occur in life that make the bigger picture about survival, safety and happiness regardless of vows taken. Im aware of cultural and social influences on marriage and vows.

I'd also like to mention im aware vows and marriage are rooted in religion. I've heard the excuse before from a certain (divorced) person that they didn't take their vows seriously because theyre just a load of religious blubber. While theyre willingly stood in a church with a gargantuan crucifix with Jesus Christ on it in front of them. The irony. How can a person stand there and take vows they dont mean just for the sake of getting married. Its all so backwards it makes my brain hurt.

My point still stands that I just think the meaning of vows is so frequently taken so lightly these days. I wish I could believe in them, and in finding eternal love and happiness with someone, but with the above points mentioned, all hope is lost. People just don't seem to speak with much meaning behind their words anymore.

Because people probably do mean their vows when they say them but we don't live in the 16th century and have to stay unhappily married anymore thank goodness.

I don’t think people do mean their vows as such do they?

marriage is a legal contract, that’s what you’re bound by, that’s what you have to “mean”

we had a choice of vows, I can’t even remember what they were. Signing the legal contract was the marriage to me

Then why say them? I just don't get it at all. Starting off your marriage saying words to eachother with no meaning behind them is hardly setting up healthy foundations for a relationship.

Given that they are rooted in religion I think we should just bun them off all together, unless you're actually, seriously, religious.

Also can’t you just write your own vows? How do you know what people have vowed?!

I get that, and I understand marriage is more than just the vows. But it's situations like the ones I mentioned in OP, such as men leaving their dying wives, that really annoys me. Promising to care for someone in sickness and in health, then fucking off the second they need you. Its just shameful

Im referring specifically to traditional vows, and should have mentioned that.

Though that being said, some people will willingly write their own vows and still go forth and break them. Crazy

I get what you mean, but I don’t think anyone can promise to stay together “for richer or poorer” (my ex committed tax evasion and was poor after paying £260k of our money in back tax and fines) or sickness and in health (a friends ex was sick after taking so much coke he has a heart attack)

The only reason marriage vows exist is that humans are not naturally inclined to lifelong monogamy, and because female ovulation is concealed, men have no way to be sure they're the father unless they control who their woman has sex with.

If it were so normal for humans to be in exclusive sexual pairs forever, no-one would need to stand up in front of registrars / all their friends and family / God and make a contractually-binding promise to do it. They'd just do it.

So no, no-one really means it when the shit hits the fan, and they never did.

The vows are just part of the show. If you don't bother with the show and just have the legal contract then all you commit to are the terms of the contract, which is all you need tbh.

I don't think there has been a significant shift. There were plenty of awful spouses 30-50 years ago and plenty now.

I'd guess domestic violence/marital rape is taken much more seriously now and would be at a lower rate Vs than my mother's generation where women had fewer rights.

Years ago, the RS dept at a school where I taught would stage a mock wedding each year for the yr 11s. The pupils would choose/volunteer a couple but everyone would study the CofE vows. A pupil at the time told my colleague - 'Gosh, that's intense. Now that I've read them [the vows], I could never promise that!'

Firstly, are you married OP?
if you are how would you feel if your spouse was shagging someone 15 years younger than you?
If you had a disabled child that left you carrying all of the load for that child and had to give up your job or career, your health, your sleep but they go to work and the gym and see their friends but you can’t?
If you worked full time and raising children but your spouse decided to leave employment and sit at home doing nothing but sleep and play online games?
I somehow doubt you’d be mentally running back to that day you “said your vows” and think well I’LL carry on regardless because I’m so determined that I knew everything that would possibly happen 20 years ago..?
You’ve heard of domestic violence, coercive control, marital rape, emotional neglect and cheating spouses?

I mean, people lie about all sorts of things, not just marriage vows - sadly some people are just untrustworthy.

To be honest, I don’t think it’s realistic to promise to stay with someone for 50+ years, no matter what - we all grow and change over time, and just may not be compatible anymore.

Surely it’s better to end an unhappy rekationship than stay in something that’s making you miserable.

It sounds to me like you understand it perfectly - you know there's social expectations around the idea of getting married in general, you know lots of people don't mean them as a literal vow and just see them as part of the stuff you do when you get married, and you know that weddings are very often an excuse to have a big party. So I'm not sure what you're really asking - why the church doesn't remove them? Well, it's part of what they believe marriage should be. I'm not sure they should have to - it's not up to them if people don't take the concept of a 'vow' literally.

I think there have always been people who take them seriously and people who don’t.

when divorce wasn’t a thing there were annulments which amounted to the same thing. People who couldn’t afford it just separated.

medieval courts could order “separation of bed and board” which was effectively a divorce but not with permission to remarry although plenty did hence the offence of bigamy.

Lawrence stone has some good books on this.

I don't think humans have changed. Just our worlds are much bigger and women have more rights.

People are always hankering after the good old days but you'll find as many people broke their vows 50yrs ago as they do today. Just like those shitty memes about parents used to wallop us, we were poor but we were happy and knew traditional values. Bollocks. Women were drudges and children were abused. There is no halcyon age, only griping about what's happening right now.

I think the idea of marriage is good if we only lived to 35 or 40.

To the ages we are living to now, it’s absolutely ridiculous.

Marriage vows are a contract and you can bespoke them. It's legally binding in some ways whether you like it or not. Everything else is taste and fancy, as the creepy saying goes.

Absolutely, and thats what I referred to in my original post;

"Im aware there are circumstances that occur in life that make the bigger picture about survival, safety and happiness regardless of vows taken."

Im glad you both left them. They sounded awful. I'm not trying to advocate for staying in unhappy or abusive relationship because of wedding vows, im simply saying they're pointless because few people find meaning in them.

I can’t even remember what I said on my wedding day. I figure, as long as DH and I are actively working to support each other and our family, we’re fine.

DH lost his job recently. He was actively looking for a new one straight away and put in all his effort to get a new one. If he’d lazed about or decided I could work more to fund him, I’d have taken a dim view and lost respect for him.

@worldshottestmom I suspect you have some questionable friends.

DH and I married in 1991 and mostly our friends have stayed together.

I can't comment on others' experiemce of the marriage ceremony but for me the spirituality of the blessing was as unexpected as it was wondrous. There began my relationship with God as well as my DH.

The issue afaiac is that the ott wedding has got in the way of the meaning of the marriage itself.

As relationships continue people get to know each other better. How they deal with bereavement, infertility, illness, failure, etc, welds them together if the marriage is strong and imparts a greater understanding. On the modern world, however, it is easoer to break the bond legally, as it should be.

It would be better if society empowered women not to settle by virtue of expectation. That's where the old ways haven't caught up with the new.

Are you aware all marriage vows are not actually the same?
How do you know what they vowed?

Either way I can’t believe anyone gets this worked up about someone else leaving their unhappy or unfulfilling relationship.

I agree with you and think about it a lot when I read responses on here. Staying with one person for life books many challenges. None of us are perfect and we all have qualities that are hard for other to live with. Hollywood romance is just that. True love is an action and not a feeling. I am a Christian and I meant the vows I made in front of God and to my husband. I also chose a husband that I knew would take them as seriously as me. The vows literally talk about health challenges and financial challenges and they are pretty inevitable in a marriage. I have seen a fair few relationships hit really tough patches and tough it out and come out the other end stronger than before. There are situations on here where the relationship is clearly very dysfunctional and damaging and I would agree with LTB but there are so many threads where people just need to cut each other some slack and try and remember what they loved about each other before kids came along and life got crazy.
But back to the thread question, I don't think anyone who does not believe in God should make vows to Him.

I agree OP.
Marriage is a legal contract and should be seen as such instead of all the love’s young dream bollocks which in the majority of cases won’t last as soon as the numerous stresses of life appear be that finances/ health/ whatever.

I also blame our no fault divorce law and I think a person’s conduct should absolutely be a key decider when it comes to dividing up the marital assets.