To think marriage vows don't mean a thing anymore

[worldshottestmom]

May get flamed for this, but I'm used to it.

One of the biggest things I hate about marriage is the vows. It's just becoming increasingly apparent that few people seem to take them seriously anymore, to the point that I'm wondering why they're even a thing now.

This isn't even really about divorce rates, either. It's women getting diagnosed with a terminal illness and their husbands leaving. It is now common practice for healthcare professionals to prepare terminally ill women for divorce / to be abandoned by their SO. What ever happened to in sickness and in health?

Frequent MN threads about frustration from women when their husbands lose their jobs and struggle to find a new one, saying they're looking at divorce over it. What happened to for richer or poorer?

Marriage in itself, to me at least, is a vow to be loyal. Yet even as far back as the olden days, a couple get married and the man is back with his 2nd family the second the honeymoon is over.

These days a couple get married and ten years down the line are both having affairs and fighting over who gets the dog.

There are endless examples and I just can't help but feel like marriage is a complete sham, but its the vows that irk me the most. Why not just stand at the alter and say we agree to marry each other for the financial benefits and because its the done thing, kiss, done. At least it would be honest. Weddings just seen to be an excuse to spend 30k on a nice dress and a huge party. It all just feels like one big roleplay to me at this point.

Disclaimer: I'm aware some people mean their vows and are happy in their marriage. Im aware there a circumstances that occur in life that make the bigger picture about survival, safety and happiness regardless of vows taken. Im aware of cultural and social influences on marriage and vows.

I'd also like to mention im aware vows and marriage are rooted in religion. I've heard the excuse before from a certain (divorced) person that they didn't take their vows seriously because theyre just a load of religious blubber. While theyre willingly stood in a church with a gargantuan crucifix with Jesus Christ on it in front of them. The irony. How can a person stand there and take vows they dont mean just for the sake of getting married. Its all so backwards it makes my brain hurt.

My point still stands that I just think the meaning of vows is so frequently taken so lightly these days. I wish I could believe in them, and in finding eternal love and happiness with someone, but with the above points mentioned, all hope is lost. People just don't seem to speak with much meaning behind their words anymore.

Show me a time when they ever meant anything to every couple who took them?

Some people will take them and honour them if full for their lifetime.

Others will not.

This has always been the case.

I think you're being wildly unrealistic of you think there was EVER a time when they did

1800
Your wife can't have more children?
Take a mistress.

Your wife was unfaithful with the gamekeeper?
Shoot them both

Don't really get on with her anymore?
Take a Grand Tour and settle down in a Venetian palazzo with your mistress.

Wife unwilling to be intimate?
Find a friendly scullery maid.

Changed your mind entirely ?
Live separately

And if you are super duper wealthy and well connected, get a divorce

OP, there never HAS been a time when people stuck to views no matter what.

Mostly men have been the ones with the choices, not women.

@vdbfamily , I am a Christian too and i meant every word that i said at the altar that cold morning. I had no idea that my ex husband would grow into a man who had multiple affairs, gave me an STI, have a second family and be violent and aggressive. Because he sure wasn't like that before.

I could not be more grateful that this option is open to me. And I'm grateful to all the women who made it possible for me.

Two of the school parents said they would discourage their kids from marrying anyone whose parents weren't married/had been divorced, because they'd not been brought up to take it seriously. Bit harsh, I thought, but mentioning it as some people clearly do! And I know lots of men who have nursed their wives through serious illness,

Married three times, I meant them at the time but I didn't do the ones you quote we wrote our own mostly just fun stuff, I promise to mak3 you coffee every morning and wipe your bum when you're old etc

What on earth are you talking about ?

DH and I both lapsed Irish catholics , got married in Vegas , just the two of us . As lapsed as I am , I wanted a priest and a church …!! The exact denomination didn’t matter . Found an orthodox catholic priest and a beautiful church , the vows , love , honour , sickness & health , death us do part. When discussing the meaning of the vows my husband who is probably atheist said , sure it’s only the basics really .,, if you can’t promise that what’s the point ?? His take on the 10 commandments, “ religion aside, not a bad set of rules to follow “ .

We were together 13 years before we married , 15 years before our kids , 26 years in , life threw all it had at us , we survived and honoured the vows we made. The priest at our wedding said “ I am simply a witness to your vows and Marriage . I do not marry you , your vows are between yourselves and God. If you choose to be married , the vows are really only common decency.

I absolutely meant my marriage vows when I wed, and I married someone I was sure would never divorce me - it never crossed my mind that I might eventually want to divorce him. Sadly, he was abusive and the marriage became very difficult. Originally I wanted a legal separation, but after things became really bad and he was as impossible as he could be, I got a divorce. And I did feel bad about many things, breaking my marriage vows being one of them.

@sesquipedalian , forgive me, what is a legal separation? I have not heard of it.

Does anyone have any proof/statistics for men leaving their dying wives? It’s the first time I’ve heard of this new trend.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I think marriage doesn’t benefit women. I haven’t heard great things about it from men either.

Marriage improves a man’s life but it doesn’t improve a woman’s. The happiest women are single women in their 50s. I feel like I was sold a sham of a happily ever after, which was really just constant pressure to do it all and be the best.

So I said no thank you. I don’t have anything to do with dating any more. I parent my kids alone the same as I did when I was married.

I love my ex husband deeply but it just wasn’t benefitting either of us. We are much better friends than spouses. I genuinely look at my married friends and think the only reason why many stay is because of the financial costs of divorce and lack of better options.

We got married in a church nearly 30yrs ago. At the time it was important to both of us, not so much nows as my views on religion have changed. I know people who have married in a church purely for the photos so the vows in church didn't really mean anything to them.
We discussed our vows, they are pretty much set during a religious ceremony. We chose that i would not say honour and OBEY. The vicar tried to get me to change my mind
with ' its based on the old meaning of you trusting Dh to do the right thing in making a decision for you both'. We said no, people hear obey and have thoughts immediately, and although i DO trust him, he doesn't need to make decisions for me because we are equal/partners so things are discussed and agreed on!
However I do believe in, and uphold, my vows because I love my dh. We've not had severe hardships /illness etc but we have had experience that have split other couples up.
When would I NOT uphold my vows.....if he cheated, not a worry I have, but i would see that as he had broken the vows so that contract is null and void.
Its not that people give up on marriages in easier than in comparison to 50yrs ago, its just (usually) the woman now has options when something in the relationship is so damaged its not safe or right to stay in the relationship anymore. Our grandmothers rarely had that option!

Or you could simply just mind your own business. You worry about your own marriage vows and let other people worry about theirs. Other people’s marriages and morals have got nothing to do with you.

Absolutely this - the vows are a pledge. We may fall short sometimes, we may doubt ourselves, we may not make it - but we try.

Also, vows are reciprocal. If I ever felt that my husband no longer honoured or respected me then I might reconsider the 'til death do us part bit.

@ Liminal1975
A legal separation means that you are still married but separated in terms of living, finance, DC etc. It means that you and your ex are to all intents and purposes divorced without being divorced. It does, however, require a degree of agreement from both parties. Considering that when we got to financial disputes resolution in court, my ex refused to say anything, so it went to a full hearing and our finances were decided by the judge, you can see it would have been….problematic. I should imagine it happens far less now than it once did - I think it’s mainly used in cases when people who have been married less than a year want to separate.

Ah, I understand, many thanks for explaining

I think my opinion is different but I come from a huge family that has worked at marriages and they do mean something to me so when I got married that's exactly what I have done since as has my dh. If your really not going to work at a marriage it will never work noatter how many vows people say. And marriage takes hard work same as having other relationships or work etc but sadly lots prefer to not bother and it falls apart

@Rayqueen2026 I tried to fix my marriage for nearly 10 years. Did I not work hard enough?

Was putting up with his abuse and infidelity and begging him to go to counselling with me "not bothering"?

When I was suicidal and he bought a rope and left it outside the front door, should I have tried harder to keep my marriage vows?

When we hid from him waiting for the police, was I "not bothering" to fix my marriage?

You have NO idea what I and other women have gone through.

But then, perhaps we "haven't bothered".

You say how can people stand in front of a crucifix and make these vows but think about what leads to divorce- it’s 10/20 years on and both are different people, exhausted from being beaten down in life and having things happen that weren’t on their radar when they declared their love for one another. Not divorced but we are a world away from the people who stood in the church, we’ve had worry after worry , money issues I never could have dreamed of, loss and health issues I’d never have thought I/ we could have physically survived. We are both exhausted shadows of the people we were twenty years ago. I never knew the exhaustion and sadness we’ve experienced existed, let alone it would hit our lives, and would never have thought actually a lot of it is what hits many/ most people. You don’t get that in sickness and in health mightn’t just mean a sickness, it might mean you’ve consistently had to live through many of other people’s sicknesses, many deaths. (Not standing up for people who walk out on terminally ill people btw)

We had no vows in our 30 second NYC wedding!

I agree @worldshottestmom

The whole “you can leave for any reason if you’re not happy” culture

It makes me sad

Why do you get to dictate what people think of vows or marriage or anything?

You come across as bitter so wouldn't it make more sense to work on your own issues?

Sound social commentary doesn't mean a thing any more if you are basing your opinions entirely on people writing about relationships on Mumsnet. Put down the internet and go outside.

Worry about your marriage vows (you are married, right?) and don’t get hooked up on how other people live their lives. It’s completely beyond your control, all we can do is worry about our own stuff .

You would like my friends wedding vows. She self wrote and included
"I promise to give you the benefit of the doubt until I have no doubt left and I promise to love you until you irritate me too much."
They are still together 10 years on.