To think marriage vows don't mean a thing anymore

[worldshottestmom]

May get flamed for this, but I'm used to it.

One of the biggest things I hate about marriage is the vows. It's just becoming increasingly apparent that few people seem to take them seriously anymore, to the point that I'm wondering why they're even a thing now.

This isn't even really about divorce rates, either. It's women getting diagnosed with a terminal illness and their husbands leaving. It is now common practice for healthcare professionals to prepare terminally ill women for divorce / to be abandoned by their SO. What ever happened to in sickness and in health?

Frequent MN threads about frustration from women when their husbands lose their jobs and struggle to find a new one, saying they're looking at divorce over it. What happened to for richer or poorer?

Marriage in itself, to me at least, is a vow to be loyal. Yet even as far back as the olden days, a couple get married and the man is back with his 2nd family the second the honeymoon is over.

These days a couple get married and ten years down the line are both having affairs and fighting over who gets the dog.

There are endless examples and I just can't help but feel like marriage is a complete sham, but its the vows that irk me the most. Why not just stand at the alter and say we agree to marry each other for the financial benefits and because its the done thing, kiss, done. At least it would be honest. Weddings just seen to be an excuse to spend 30k on a nice dress and a huge party. It all just feels like one big roleplay to me at this point.

Disclaimer: I'm aware some people mean their vows and are happy in their marriage. Im aware there a circumstances that occur in life that make the bigger picture about survival, safety and happiness regardless of vows taken. Im aware of cultural and social influences on marriage and vows.

I'd also like to mention im aware vows and marriage are rooted in religion. I've heard the excuse before from a certain (divorced) person that they didn't take their vows seriously because theyre just a load of religious blubber. While theyre willingly stood in a church with a gargantuan crucifix with Jesus Christ on it in front of them. The irony. How can a person stand there and take vows they dont mean just for the sake of getting married. Its all so backwards it makes my brain hurt.

My point still stands that I just think the meaning of vows is so frequently taken so lightly these days. I wish I could believe in them, and in finding eternal love and happiness with someone, but with the above points mentioned, all hope is lost. People just don't seem to speak with much meaning behind their words anymore.

You’re talking about a specific wording of religious vows, in one specific religious tradition.

DH and I did the shortest form of the civil marriage service, in which there are no vows — all we declared was that we were free to marry and were marrying one another. No promises about duration, fidelity, wealth, health etc,

I think life is far more complex these days, a lifelong marriage a few decades back was 30/40 years now it could conceivably be 60/70 years. You couldn’t have an online porn addiction, a serious coke habit, a heroin habit, until Iran flooded Europe with cheap heroin or the internet was invented. You had to stay in significantly abusive relationships for the most part. I think you are taking a very black and white view and relationships happen in life’s grey areas.

But the contract is completely different to the vows

you can end the contact at any time, no fault nowadays. No standard of behaviour is expected legally in a marriage

there are legal implications for your finances and dependants though

The problem is girls are brought up being told having a happy family is the goal. The boys -not.

So women get married and have children and make homes, to only discover the man is actually too busy being selfish and turns disrespectful (abusive) the minute he’s asked to care for something that is not him.

@HotBaths Same here. Husband and I also didn't get married in a church because we are not Christians and weren't prepared to make promises to a God neither of us believe in.

The thing with marriage and wedding vows in particular is that life is lived forwards not backwards.

When people make their vows do you think it's possible that they have no concept of just how long life is, what a marriage 'to death us do part' will feel like and be like in reality? At 30 you really can have no concept of what forever will feel like. You are promising to stay with one person for longer than you have already lived. You don't know the person you will be a 40, 50 or 60, what your partner or even the world will be like then or what challenges you will face.

People always say life is short - but it really isn't in terms of spending possible 60 years or more with one person.

I married at 24 nearly 40 years ago. DH and I truly meant our vows (traditional ones in church) but in reality, we had no idea what it would mean to keep those vows for a lifetime or how we would manage any challenges to those vows. It's all based on hope and optimism.

It worked out for us very luckily but it has been work, difficult and a bloody grind at times in ways we could never have predicted when we stood opposite each other saying those words we meant with all our hearts.

I agree. I guess they’re more aspirational than binding.

I’m married but I recognise it’s an outdated pointless institution that should really just be replaced with some other system by which two people can establish legal relations.

I know unmarried couples who are truly committed, and I know married couples who don’t take it seriously at all.

You can get out of it so easily that it really is meaningless.

You're extremely angry because of your situation, but don't take it out on me.

I'm not married anymore because I was abused for 8 years. I said in my original post that I understand bigger things can happen that go beyond taking vows.

Im aware there are circumstances that occur in life that make the bigger picture about survival, safety and happiness regardless of vows taken.

I agree with you OP. More people should be taking their vows seriously when they marry. I cannot remember mine as it was over 19 years ago but I know I am still committed to my husband. It's a reflection on the type of society we live in when marriages are often just thrown away without some work. Exceptional circumstances aside.
I think people have such high expectations. Expect their to be work and that there will be challenges ahead is more realistic. I got married in a registry office, took ten minutes. Really pleased as I didn't want a faff or large expense. Didn't want to get married in a church.

You have to go back more than decades for marriages to lifelong marriages to last only 30/40 years especially as people married much younger in the last century.

The Queen married in 1947 and was married for 74 years.

My parents married in 1960 and were married for nearly 60 years.

There were pressures on marriages then - but different ones although I do agree people had to put up with things they really shouldn't have and their lives would have been vastly improved if they could escape the relationships.

@RosesAndHellebores The issue afaiac is that the ott wedding has got in the way of the meaning of the marriage itself.

I agree that this is often the root of the problem.
Also poor preparation and unreasonable expectations have a part to pay.

The Catholic Church has pre-marriage classes for those that want a Catholic Wedding and these are compulsory.
This is a Pre-Cana.
All sorts of issues are discussed so couples are in no doubt as to what they are signing up for. This gives those who have doubts an opportunity to "drop out".

A priest can recommend that a couple not marry due to things that come out during Pre-Cana. And a priest can refuse to marry you as well.

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This is so nice to read. You understand what I mean. Some people just readily throw away a seemingly stable marriage, it just makes me wonder why do vows exist in such a case. With exceptional circumstances aside, as you mentioned.

It also interests me that some people renew their vows. Is that a renewal of commitment to your spouse because it means something to you, or just an another excuse to throw a party? Makes you wonder.

"It is now common practice for healthcare professionals to prepare terminally ill women for divorce / to be abandoned by their SO."

I am curious what your source is for this?

Its not a fact, im not a healthcare professional. I should have said it seems to me that it is now common practice, as ive heard it happening a lot. A quick Google search confirms this.

I work in healthcare and have never heard of that one.

It sounds grim.

I read that the research done into couples separating when one had terminal illness was flawed. It used data gathered in the US where couples divorce in order to manage the costs/debt arising from medical care.

I can't imagine how heartbreaking that might be. To be forced to divorce so as not to bankrupt your partner at the worst possible time in your life.

The thing is, they're quite vague. Normally taking such forms as:

Something about forsaking others/fidelity, then "for better for worse, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honour/cherish you all the days of my life."

I feel like deciding whether someone is "honouring" you is subjective. I think if one's husband turns into a snappy, grumpy, critical shitbag you're not being "honoured" and if the wife ends the marriage it's because he broke his vows. Or she did, if vice versa. I don't think that's abusive but it's also not the wife throwing away a "stable marriage".

I made my vows in good faith and I meant them. After 16 years together and 12 years married I'm done. My vows are conditional on being treated with love and kindness. I've stuck it out for longer than I should have and experience lack of care, emotional neglect and abusive behaviour. I won't subject myself to him anymore.

Wedding vows and religious vows are a nonsense. Marriage is entering into a legal contract, which can be terminated if it doesn’t work.
People have been shagging about, and acting like pricks, for centuries. I’m just glad people no longer are trapped in such situations for all eternity. Choice is a wonderful thing. I’m not advocating leaving someone because they’re terminally ill, but I’m glad I was able to walk away from my marriage. I wish my mother had had the same opportunity to leave a shit marriage. Progress and human/womens rights are not to be sniffed at 💪

The queen stayed married to someone not especially faithful because as Head of the CofE, she couldn’t divorce. It’s hardly a recommendation.

People seem to forget that marriage isn't compulsory 🤔

And people seem to forget divorce isn’t illegal.

There is actually no ‘until death do us part’ in the legal contract of marriage.

Exactly.

So if you don't want to say vows, don't sign up !🙂