To feel I don’t actually like my own children very much

[Myownones]

That felt very taboo to type but if I’m honest (and this is venting and not really an advice thread) I just don’t like my children. And I know this is my own doing; that if I’d done a better job they might be nicer. I’m not trying to hate on them just to be honest in one of the few spaces I can be.

I have two of them. One child who is five and who I’ve always clashed with. He has a temper and doesn’t listen; difficult combination. After school he went out to play in the garden and wet himself. I was calm but it took several ‘come ins’ before he did so. When I got him out of his wet clothes it transpired there was a bit of a soiled accident so I told him to go to the toilet. He ran off instead, half naked and with poo all over his bottom. Eventually got him inside and he shouts PEPPA PIG at me. He did ask in a more civilised manner after being told he wouldn’t have it at all if he was that rude!

He flings himself at me and his dad … one or both of us are constantly making ‘OOFFT’ noises and telling him to stop but still does.

We have not found a single consequence he GAF about or that changes some of these things.

then my two year old used to be quite easy; fairly standard baby / toddler as far as I can see but over the last month has changed so much I hate looking after her (I know, sounds horrible) she screams at me; just stands and SCREAMS and omits these awful whines near constantly, doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat, will completely obsess over random stuff such as jumping on sofas or beds. She speaks to me like I’m dirt as well.

I am finding it really hard, as it’s hard not to feel like it’s a failure on your part when your children don’t like you and you don’t like them.

Haha this!!

Peppa Pig is vile and should have been turned into sausages long ago.

You are definitely not alone. Mine are 2.5 and 4 and some days I’ve absolutely had enough and a ready to just walk out. My 4 year old is slightly more manageable but my 2.5 year old is wild. Every second of every day is battle. He tantrums, he hits, he runs away, he can climb out his buggy no matter how tight he’s strapped in. He is very sensory seeking the digging toes in and crashing around but socially is good, chats away, good eye contact says please and thank you so HV doesn’t think he’s neurodivergent but honestly I love him so much but he is a little shit and ruins days out and pushes me to the edge with his behaviour which btw isn’t terrible twos I feel like he left my womb like this !! It’s so hard when u see all these parenting rosy things on social media or “tips” that just don’t fucking work for ur child.

They’re so small. A two year old toddler literally isn’t able to regulate big feelings. Your job is to help her, be there for her, and co-regulate, be her calm and safe place. They are wired to push boundaries as they’re developing as a human being and forming independence. This is normal.
I am sure they love you. It doesn’t mean it’s easy, it’s very tough going. (I have 3 children)
Are you having child-free breaks? Could you be depressed ? Do you’ve a nice GP you could speak to ? Re 5 year old soiling accidents have you looked at the charity Eric ? They’ve excellent evidence based information and support.
eric.org.uk/childrens-bowels/soiling/

I have three boys aged 6, 4 and 3. Some days are easier than others. They definitely need boundaries and a routine each day they can follow. I’ve recently started using Chat Gpt to help me with a bedtime routine for all of them and the oldest being bullied at school. It’s helped me so much and I would highly recommend it to anyone struggling as you are. You can type in what is happening at the time and it will give you advice. You can be very specific as to the problem/s, just as you have been on this thread. Use it and let it help you navigate this difficult time. Motherhood is the best and hardest job ever! Keep your chin up!

Respectfully, this sounds like a normal toddler to me 🤣 you’re not alone, my third boy is 2.

Try a daily 1/2 cup of fresh orange juice.

I love this advice.

I adore children. Im one of those knobheads who’ll have the kids from the street all play in my garden at summer, Im usually the first in my family or friend group who has a baby’s first sleepover if their mum needs a sleep.
I have 4 children myself and would have had more if I’d have had money and space.
Let me tell you, every single child I’ve encountered, even the most angelic of little cherubs, some days make their caregiver want to launch them directly into the sun just for ten minutes peace.
Children are exhausting and draining, you’re constantly touched out from them, trying to stop them from doing something dangerous. You worry about every bloody thing they do, what they eat/have they slept/are they under or over stimulated? Being a parent is really hard and kids are beautiful, adorable little arseholes a lot of the time. You are in the trenches. Children aren't easy, mine certainly aren’t, they are the most lovable creatures but so irritating at times I lock myself in the toilet just for 2 minutes of not being asked questions etc, doesn’t mean anything, just means that they’re intense as hell and that I need to just get away for a minute. Sounds like you’re struggling with the intensity of them with their ages and thats normal. They’re at difficult ages, toddlers especially aren't the most reasonable and 5 year olds are a bit wild.
Make sure you get some time to decompress a bit. Even if you have to stick toddler in a playpen and 5 year old in front of the telly for 10 minutes. You can’t pour from empty cup and I doubt you have time to fill it properly, but little and occasionally getting away for a few minutes will help you.

I feel like my two year old was lovely, really lovely, until recently @Surroundedbyfools . Obviously had moments but they were moments. Now … 😩😩😩

Please don't feel bad op. Parenting has it's ups and downs and sometimes it can be downright knackering. Mine are teens now but you've taken me right back to when they were little and sometimes (often) I did not have the patience of a saint and was short tempered and grumpy over things like night waking, bed wetting etc. I promise it will get easier.

Mine are 5 and 2 and I feel like this Toni hr. In particular I’m finding the five year old hard to like at the moment which sounds awful, I have genuinely just found each age harder with him. It’s hard not to look inwards and blame your own parenting, but I think it’s probably a mix of factors.

This sounds very hard - but they are both so young still. A two year old is very difficult to reason with and they are almost too young to understand consequences. For the little one the best advice I can offer is distraction- when she starts losing her mind and screaming, diverting attention to something else, even if it’s a snack, a song, a book, or something that involves attention deflecting away from her tantrum. Your 5 year old is old enough to understand more about consequences so set firm boundaries but also loads of really positive reinforcement and that goes for them both. I know it’s hard but ignore the bad stuff (assuming it’s not dangerous,) and really really praise the good. That works well as a distraction technique too: I remember I had a 3 and 1 year old with no help full time at home and I literally thought I was losing my mind. It does get better. Pick your battles and only fight the important stuff, I’m sure you’re doing just great xxxx

Ah she knows when you’re doing that; it just makes her scream more.

I just can’t wait for this age to be over. Although I know three isn’t a walk in the park either.

Sending you lots of sympathy OP, I have a difficult 5yo who has lots of toilet accidents still and also a very active 1.5 year old and it's a very good day where I haven't wanted to scream in frustration. One day things will be different!!

I just wish I knew what had gotten into my toddler.

I know it’s a phase but it’s really getting me down.

You’ve got to tell him what he’s doing is unacceptable and give him consequences if he runs off like that he doesn’t go outside again and explain why so he doesn’t do it tomorrow.
I must say though he might not remember because he is young. So you have to be consistent and do it a lot.
Try to bond with him too and spend more one on one time with him playing with his toys.
As for the 2 years old she might be too young and copying what she has heard but try to correct her too before it carries on.

It might be worth taking them both to the GP and making sure there aren't any medical issues

‘Actually very abnormal’ - are you an educational psychologist and why so rude when OP is showing vulnerability?

It might help to think this is a developmental stage and actually normal
She is learning that there are things happening outside of her and also about control .
Her emotions are all over the place and she is learning to regulate them, not always successfully.
Firstly she isnt shouting at you, shes testing boundaries.
Its crucial to stay calm, firm but kind
Your reaction teaches them whats acceptable and how to emotionally regulate
Dont take it personally
Deep breaths
I didnt try to cajole mine,just let the storm ride out,then have a chat .

Name the emotion
Oh dear you are cross/ sad/worried

Be kind to yourself, they are exhausting
Nice bath, book, face mask

Are you getting any support?
@Myownones

I would definitely say get into the 7-7 sleep pattern if you can. Dinner at 5ish, CBeebies bedtime til 6 while you clear kitchen, upstairs for bath / shower. In bed by 6.45 for you to read to them. Lights out 7ish.

CBeebies bedtime is brilliant because it’s the same shows and do they get their cues from that.

blackout blinds and all that - especially as going into clock change.

and glass of water at every meal, that they need to drink before pudding.

my two were very different, but both thrived on routine. Appreciate it’s hard to start if you haven’t always done it, and that it won’t work for everyone, but was amazing for us. I can still sing all the bedtime hour songs 😁

plus then, once they’re asleep, but you’ve still got an evening ahead of you, you can pop your head around the door and watch them sleeping, and forgive all the annoying things they did that day !

Forgot to say - reason I banged on about sleep is because often behaviour is just about them being over tired.

I think I am good at dealing with it, mostly. I know you are ‘supposed’ to name the emotion or feeling, and I have tried all the stuff about naming feelings, the full gentle parenting script about ‘I can see you’re really angry, you don’t want a bath, it’s ok to be angry but mummy does need to make sure you’re clean’. Apparently it works great for some, but only ever seems to get mine worked up to the point of being apoplectic with rage, where even my voice brings on screams. Sometimes saying their name in a sharp tone is necessary in order to pull them out of the whatever spiral that they are getting into but otherwise it isn’t possible, so I just go for the ‘oh I know, it’s so hard, I’m going to wait here till you’re ready’ then shut up and sit somewhere in the room/ just outside it whilst she had a scream and thrash about, cuddle eventually when she was ready and then offer some aspect of the bath process she really likes ‘would you like your Bluey bubble bath’ kind of thing. But … I’m often doing that ten times a day or more, and it’s fucking EXHAUSTING!

Sleep is key, nursery does mess out routine up a bit as they still get her to sleep in the day. They claim she just falls asleep and I am pretty sure that is not true!

They're very young and personalities will not be anywhere near fixed as yet I'm sure. Keep trying with instructions but also modelling is massively important. They will change a huge amount before they are actually people who can be likeable or not.

yes , sleep is massive. Mine were very difficult at that age (18/15 now) and sleep was a big part of that.