I’m not really asking about reasonableness. But I think that people unfortunately use AIBU as a catchall, especially for etiquette posts in the absence of an etiquette forum – so that’s what I’m doing. I’m just curious as to how you would have handled this.
I have a younger half-sister with whom I’ve never lived, but when I was in my teens, we saw quite a bit of each other, and had a nice big-sister/little-sister relationship. In adulthood, although we had a good time if we happened to be having dinner, she otherwise ignored my attempts to reach out to her. I don’t think she was deliberately snubbing me or being rude – she just didn’t care. Even when we were living in the same city, it wasn’t any different. If I sent her a birthday present, she didn’t acknowledge it. If I invited her to something, she didn’t RSVP. At one point several years ago, she stood me up for dinner, which we’d set up in advance, and I didn’t even hear from her until days later, when she said she hadn’t picked up her messages (which were the messages pinning down the time and place to eat). She apologized and said she’d make it up to me – but I never heard anything further, ever.
However, last year we happened to be lunching in the aftermath of the death of our family patriarch, so to speak, and she expressed a wish to be closer. Fine. I feel that she’s never been much on family, but maybe this death sparked some re-assessment.
Then a week or two ago, she left a message to say she had a business event in my city and wanted to stay with me for three days. I left her a polite message saying no, sorry, but I couldn’t.
Let me explain. First, I’m not a hostess type. Guests staying over make me very anxious, partly because I have no facility for whipping up great meals at the drop of a hat. Also, not only am I a bad housekeeper, at the moment my place is utter chaos, with mountains of paperwork piled high, and a bunch of things that need fixing, like leaky faucets and leaky toilets. Also, although I didn’t say it, I’m horribly allergic to cats, and she has two – and in case you didn’t know, cat owners inevitably carry the cat dander with them. This isn’t just my feeling - there are statistics showing that. So once she’s here, my place may be permanently contaminated. I thought it would be even more hurtful to tell her that, but maybe I'm wrong.
Meanwhile, she’s left two more messages, plaintively asking, why, why, why can’t she stay? After all, she said, we were going to try to be closer.
I understand that she’d like to save money on a hotel, but she has a solid income, and the trip is tax-deductible for her. And part of me is wondering if her sudden wish for closeness was due to her knowing she would be wanting a place to stay. Sorry if this sounds uncharitable, but after decades of her ignoring me, I don’t know that I’m suddenly obliged to provide accommodations.
So, I’m curious if any of you are good at delicate etiquette maneuvering, how you would handle something like this? Miss Manners says that when someone asks you “Why not?” you should just keep repeating, “Because I just can’t.” But I can’t come up with anything to say that would solve this kind of thing.
Ugh - sorry this is so long.