Struggling over handling a houseguest rebuff

[MsAmerica]

I’m not really asking about reasonableness. But I think that people unfortunately use AIBU as a catchall, especially for etiquette posts in the absence of an etiquette forum – so that’s what I’m doing. I’m just curious as to how you would have handled this.

I have a younger half-sister with whom I’ve never lived, but when I was in my teens, we saw quite a bit of each other, and had a nice big-sister/little-sister relationship. In adulthood, although we had a good time if we happened to be having dinner, she otherwise ignored my attempts to reach out to her. I don’t think she was deliberately snubbing me or being rude – she just didn’t care. Even when we were living in the same city, it wasn’t any different. If I sent her a birthday present, she didn’t acknowledge it. If I invited her to something, she didn’t RSVP. At one point several years ago, she stood me up for dinner, which we’d set up in advance, and I didn’t even hear from her until days later, when she said she hadn’t picked up her messages (which were the messages pinning down the time and place to eat). She apologized and said she’d make it up to me – but I never heard anything further, ever.

However, last year we happened to be lunching in the aftermath of the death of our family patriarch, so to speak, and she expressed a wish to be closer. Fine. I feel that she’s never been much on family, but maybe this death sparked some re-assessment.

Then a week or two ago, she left a message to say she had a business event in my city and wanted to stay with me for three days. I left her a polite message saying no, sorry, but I couldn’t.

Let me explain. First, I’m not a hostess type. Guests staying over make me very anxious, partly because I have no facility for whipping up great meals at the drop of a hat. Also, not only am I a bad housekeeper, at the moment my place is utter chaos, with mountains of paperwork piled high, and a bunch of things that need fixing, like leaky faucets and leaky toilets. Also, although I didn’t say it, I’m horribly allergic to cats, and she has two – and in case you didn’t know, cat owners inevitably carry the cat dander with them. This isn’t just my feeling - there are statistics showing that. So once she’s here, my place may be permanently contaminated. I thought it would be even more hurtful to tell her that, but maybe I'm wrong.

Meanwhile, she’s left two more messages, plaintively asking, why, why, why can’t she stay? After all, she said, we were going to try to be closer.

I understand that she’d like to save money on a hotel, but she has a solid income, and the trip is tax-deductible for her. And part of me is wondering if her sudden wish for closeness was due to her knowing she would be wanting a place to stay. Sorry if this sounds uncharitable, but after decades of her ignoring me, I don’t know that I’m suddenly obliged to provide accommodations.

So, I’m curious if any of you are good at delicate etiquette maneuvering, how you would handle something like this? Miss Manners says that when someone asks you “Why not?” you should just keep repeating, “Because I just can’t.” But I can’t come up with anything to say that would solve this kind of thing.

Ugh - sorry this is so long.

The term “Mental problems” comes across as derogatory. It really does.
I’ve certainly experienced post natal depression in my life. Depression is a mental illness, not a mental ”problem”
Neurodiversity is NOT a mental problem.
That term is outdated. It was widely used in years gone past, but we are more educated now.
Using the term mental problems shows ignorance

I think YANBU and she is being highly unreasonable. I am also an older sister to a much, much younger sister. I can see the similarities regarding her behavior - blowing slightly hot and cold depending on what suits her.

I would tell her you already have house guests that whole week. Or simply that it doesn't work for you and you've no more to say about it.

Mine decided to visit me, bring flowers, take me out for lunch, buy presents tell me how she wished we had a closer relationship (after years of her ignoring me, telling me to stop emailing her so often etc etc). Then nothing. It turned out she was hoping I'd offer to pay for a very expensive course, facilitating a career change. I have no extra cash, but in the past I've actually paid thousands towards her training, so I suppose the expectation was I'd do it again. It was not an open conversation but since December I've heard nothing from her at all.

Bad relationships are not always between men and women!

Some of the people on this thread are unhinged. I'd be amazed if they have any friends as they seem to 'block' people on a whim.

YANBU although you should probably sort your house out a bit!

I think you should just say to your sister "Look, I'd love to see you, but I hate having visitors in my own home as it's a total mess. There's a few hotels/AirBnBs nearby and we could meet for dinner on the nights you are down? Would that work?"

And that should be more than sufficient.

I was thinking the same thing. Potential diagnosis based on half a page of info. Bizarre.

No it doesn’t @sugarapplelane , it just shows that you stigmatise people with mental problems/illlnesses/conditions/issues/challenges

Using the term Mental Problems certainly does show ignorance. It’s an outdated term to use.
I certainly don’t stigmatise having had depression myself in the past and being on the spectrum. Don’t accuse please without the full facts. You don’t know who I am.
Argue, argue, argue…… You seem to be doing that with everyone on here today

Sorry, but the term ‘mental problems’ absolutely is derogatory and insulting to those with ND as well as mental health conditions. There is a world of difference between various mental health conditions and neurodiversity. They can be present at the same time but they are quite distinct from each other.

After reading OPs posts and her referring to ND as mental problems seems not only rude but shortsighted, OP herself seems to me to be ND.

What a coincidence that she suddenly has a desire to be closer, right around the time she would quite like free accommodation in your city! I mean, what are the chances?!

Seriously though:
"Hi Jane, further to our previous messages, I'm just not in a position to have house guests at the moment. I'm happy to recommend a few nice hotels though, if you tell me what area you need.
Would love to see you for a dinner if you're free one evening. Just give me a shout."

Likely as not, you won't hear from her again, while she soothes her ego. But it doesn't sound like you'd miss her much.
And stop with the gifts. She's presumably a full-ass adult, and adults don't need gifts. A nice card, if anything, would more than do.

My mum is like this. Some people are very self absorbed. I’d try not to take it to heart.
I’d say bathroom is being redone it’s chaos. But next time….

I don't think your writing is formal at all. It's just well-written English with correct grammar... clearly the standards have slipped so low if people are picking up on that as an issue.

As for the ADHD business - I'm sick of that being used as an excuse.

I know someone (call her Tilly) who behaves like a complete dickhead and is dismissive and a user. Everyone's always saying 'it's because she's got ADHD, she's so amazing and creative, it's not her fault'.

Actually, her behaviour IS her fault. The ADHD causes certain traits, but 'being arrogant and dismissive to other people' is not one of them. I know this, because I also have ADHD and tbh, I used to behave more like Tilly, because I was selfish and immature and in a different place in my life. I have now grown up and learned some life lessons and I do not behave like that anymore. ADHD might impact how someone thinks but is NOT an excuse for self-centred and arrogant behaviour.

Just ignore sny further texts on the matter.
You have said No.
Don't engage further on the topic.

She has ignored you enough in the past.
Time to accept that she is not really interested in you.

You have given her the wrong impression by you repeatedly trying with her when she made it clear she didn't give a tinkers cuss on repeat.

Her behaviour is purely a money saving exercise and she is incredibly rude into the bargain.

There is no hope of any sort of balanced and mutually enjoyable friendship with this freeloading thoughtless woman.

Fade her out and see if she is improved in a decade. If so try again but once only. Leopards. Spots.

If you want to be closer tell her the truth. Your house is a tip and you don't have the mental capacity ATM.

The universal Mumsnet response to poor behaviour. “Are they neurodivergent.” Actually some people are just selfish, unpleasant or cheeky fuckers.

I would've gone for something like 'Of course I want to work on being closer but arrangements need to work for both of us. I've just got too much on at the moment to add guests into the mix. Lunch OK? '

Well, first, I'm in the U.S., and, second, even if I were a Brit, no need to be condescending about vocabulary. I suspect it's slang, and I'm not up on slang in any version of English.

Not sure I agree. ADHD is treated with medication, as if it were an illness. Dyslexia, to the best of my knowledge, is not.

Neurodiversity is not classed as a mental problem because it's a vague, euphemistic, amorphous term, covering a lot of different things.

I understand your point, but I think most people with ADHD are quite possibly not on any prescription medication. I'm not.

Being medicated also doesn"t mean it's an illness. It isn't an illness to have a brain that connects differently from other people's and use a stimulant to make it connect in a more effective way. I would compare it more with a person born with one leg shorter than the other who uses a lifted shoe to help them.