Struggling over handling a houseguest rebuff

[MsAmerica]

I’m not really asking about reasonableness. But I think that people unfortunately use AIBU as a catchall, especially for etiquette posts in the absence of an etiquette forum – so that’s what I’m doing. I’m just curious as to how you would have handled this.

I have a younger half-sister with whom I’ve never lived, but when I was in my teens, we saw quite a bit of each other, and had a nice big-sister/little-sister relationship. In adulthood, although we had a good time if we happened to be having dinner, she otherwise ignored my attempts to reach out to her. I don’t think she was deliberately snubbing me or being rude – she just didn’t care. Even when we were living in the same city, it wasn’t any different. If I sent her a birthday present, she didn’t acknowledge it. If I invited her to something, she didn’t RSVP. At one point several years ago, she stood me up for dinner, which we’d set up in advance, and I didn’t even hear from her until days later, when she said she hadn’t picked up her messages (which were the messages pinning down the time and place to eat). She apologized and said she’d make it up to me – but I never heard anything further, ever.

However, last year we happened to be lunching in the aftermath of the death of our family patriarch, so to speak, and she expressed a wish to be closer. Fine. I feel that she’s never been much on family, but maybe this death sparked some re-assessment.

Then a week or two ago, she left a message to say she had a business event in my city and wanted to stay with me for three days. I left her a polite message saying no, sorry, but I couldn’t.

Let me explain. First, I’m not a hostess type. Guests staying over make me very anxious, partly because I have no facility for whipping up great meals at the drop of a hat. Also, not only am I a bad housekeeper, at the moment my place is utter chaos, with mountains of paperwork piled high, and a bunch of things that need fixing, like leaky faucets and leaky toilets. Also, although I didn’t say it, I’m horribly allergic to cats, and she has two – and in case you didn’t know, cat owners inevitably carry the cat dander with them. This isn’t just my feeling - there are statistics showing that. So once she’s here, my place may be permanently contaminated. I thought it would be even more hurtful to tell her that, but maybe I'm wrong.

Meanwhile, she’s left two more messages, plaintively asking, why, why, why can’t she stay? After all, she said, we were going to try to be closer.

I understand that she’d like to save money on a hotel, but she has a solid income, and the trip is tax-deductible for her. And part of me is wondering if her sudden wish for closeness was due to her knowing she would be wanting a place to stay. Sorry if this sounds uncharitable, but after decades of her ignoring me, I don’t know that I’m suddenly obliged to provide accommodations.

So, I’m curious if any of you are good at delicate etiquette maneuvering, how you would handle something like this? Miss Manners says that when someone asks you “Why not?” you should just keep repeating, “Because I just can’t.” But I can’t come up with anything to say that would solve this kind of thing.

Ugh - sorry this is so long.

What stands out for me is you have bent over backwards for your sister over the years. But her crossing your threshold is a red line, because I sense you are uncomfortable with the way your home looks. Be very careful that you are not sliding in to hoarding territory. Shame about your home and excuses to keep people out of it are often a warning sign. If I’m wrong on this , apologies, I appreciate how stigmatised hoarding is, I have it in my family.

You have said no and she keeps pushing. I can see why this has you overthinking the situation but it would be best if you don’t give reasons for your decision as that just opens the door for a negotiation and puts you on the back foot. You don’t have guests, that’s your boundary, end of story. So “no it’s not possible for you to stay here but I’d love to meet up while you’re here” is all that’s required. No excuses needed or you go around in circles over explaining yourself. You are not responsible for your sisters reaction.

I feel so seen!

Nobody said it was a mental health problem. Why bring the word health into this? I said it was a mental issue. It is also a mental problem. I have ADHD and it’s certainly a problem and it’s certainly in the head. My kids have dyslexia, yes it’s a mental issue. Which part of a learning disorder is not mental and not a problem? @thanks2

Dear Ss, Why? I am not able to have house guests presently & do not need to give you an explanation .
& on top of my personal reasons, I get the feeling, having been deliberately dropped & ignored repeatedly, that you are in reality only looking for free house & board.
However I am able to meet up somewhere for coffee/meal.
Let me know how that works for you.”

expect no reply

RTFT the CF is self-employed.

I wouldn’t respond further. If it’s brought up at any point in the future just tell her you didn’t pick up your messages, apologise and tell her you’ll make it up to her. Then block and move on. That’s effectively what she did up to the point you became useful.

Excuse me? ADHD is a learning disorder?

I hope you have told that to the very many highly qualified high earning people in professions which suit an ADHD mindset?

ADHD is neither a mental illness nor a learning disorder. Nor is it an excuse for behaving like a twat to friends and relatives in the way the OP's half sister is.

ADHD is not a learning disability. It’s a neurodiverse condition and does not affect intelligence. Learning disabilities are specific impairments in processing information. ADHD does not impair processing skills directly, but disrupts the ability to apply them consistently. Same with Dyslexia - a neurodiverse condition affecting how the brain interprets written and spoken language, and sometimes affecting organisational skills, but again, not linked to intelligence.

It's not excusing behaviour to recognise that neurodivergence, like many other conditions, requires adjustments to be made in order to level the playing field between the neurodivergent and the neurotypical.

It's more akin to making buildings and transport accessible to people with mobility issues imo.

There are very specific differences between ND conditions and learning disabilities. Neither ADHD or Dyslexia are learning disabilities as they do not directly affect intelligence or the ability to learn.

I think its a grey rock situation. "I have said no, pleasse don't ask again"

Neurodiversity is not classed as a mental problem.
Someone was just “suggesting “ that maybe your sister’s way of going about things is “maybe” due to her brain being wired differently.
It’s always a possibility, but then again your sister just sounds self absorbed
You didn’t have to take what the poster said so personally and you certainly didn’t have to use the term “mental problems “. That’s just plain fucking rude to all of us out there with a neurodiversity.
Educate yourself please.
I assume you are in the US by the way you speak of faucets? Just because you have a dumb ass President who never thinks before opening his mouth and is rude to everyone out there who is different, doesn’t mean you have to follow suit.

Nobody said anything about learning disabilities @DotAndCarryOne2 and I don’t think it’s relevant?

Generally agree about levelling the playing field but your analogy with access for disabled people with mobility issues is over simplifying. In the main, genuine physical disability is apparent. Not so with ND and mental health conditions. As a disability outreach worker, unfortunately l came across many people trying to claim neurodiversity where there was none, simply to access the concessions and benefits available to disabled people.

Before l’m jumped on, l am absolutely not criticising those with genuine ND conditions but the number of people blatantly trying to play the system to their advantage was quite shocking.

I don't see that parallel. In your example you are changing buildings and buses. In the case of causing other people to be disturbed/disrupted/disadvantaged you are asking other people to make the changes to themselves.

In cases like this one, it is more akin to people with ADHD (I am one) realising that if they aren't going to annoy people by turning up everywhere late that they have to learn to turn up everywhere early.

ADHD may (or may not) be an explanation why the OP's sister is treating her badly but that isn't a get out of jail free card to continue to treat her sister badly. She runs her own business, she knows how to negotiate society.

Why is it “plain fucking rude” @sugarapplelane to link neurodiverse people (like me) with people with mental problems (also like me)?
Do you think people with neurodiverse conditions are in some way better than your idea of people with mental conditions? If not, why do you think that it’s rude to associate the two?

YANBU at all - don’t explain further.
In fact I would knock this relationship on the head - she sounds awful.

It was mentioned upthread, a few posts before your own - a poster described ADHD and Dyslexia as learning disorders, which they are not, as they don’t directly affect intelligence or the ability to learn.

I replied to your own post as you said . I have ADHD and it’s certainly a problem and it’s certainly in the head. My kids have dyslexia, yes it’s a mental issue. Which part of a learning disorder is not mental and not a problem? .

Again the distinction is that neither ADHD or Dyslexia are learning disabilities in the traditional sense as they don’t directly affect intelligence or the ability to learn.

Of course dyslexia affects ability to learn @DotAndCarryOne2 . If you have difficulty reading, then your ability to learn is affected. If you have difficulty remembering sequences, as my daughter does, then of course your ability to learn is affected.

I think you’re misunderstanding the poster. Mental health conditions are distinct from ND conditions, and although both can be present at the same time, they are not the same thing.

YANBU

Tell her you would love to be closer but it's just not convenient for her to stay on this occasion.

It sounds like she hasn't appreciated you and you would be more annoyed if you let her stay and then she still carried on in the same way.

The OP described it as a mental health problem in one of her replies.

Confused as to why people are assuming OP's posts are ChatGPT written?

It doesn’t directly affect intelligence or the ability to learn as such. It’s a ND condition specifically affecting reading, writing, and spelling, and in many cases organisational skills. It disrupts how the brain processes written and spoken language, but it’s not linked to intelligence. That’s all l meant.