AIBU to think rewarding children for high grades is unfair?

[TheLivelyCat]

To think its wrong to reward children for high grades.

I've meet a few people and have seen online people who reward their child if they get top Grades in education. ie if you get a certain mark/grade parents will reward them with a trip, car, or something else big.
As a parent with 2 DDs one working above expected standards and one working towards expected standards, I feel this is unfair as my children who is working towards expected standards is probably working 2x as hard as my child who it naturally comes easier too.

Pretty much this. Some kids are way more academically minded then others and can pretty much cruise through most subjects. My very good school friend was chronically dyslexic and her busting a gut in getting a (then) B in English was quite frankly an astonishing effort.

Totally disagree

you reward what your child can achieve

if my child is expected all As I’ll reward for that

if your child is only capable of ever getting Cs. That’s great and that’s what they can achieve. So you reward that

Are you talking about rewards. Or bribery?

Getting a child something they don't know about beforehand is a reward.

Saying to a child 'you will only get X if you get X grade/put in X number of hours of work' is bribery.

Rewards - absolutely agree with. When my daughter does something really well, I may reward her with a treat. She does not expect it, and it's not conditional on achieving a specific pre agreed outcome. The motivation and achievement remains intrinsic.

Bribery - it's a no from us (recognise everyone is different), they need to work hard/do well because they want it for themselves. That will be much better long term. Whatever the bribery is will be spent/used/gone as its extrinsic.

No but that was OP’s whole entire question….

I reward behaviour and effort rather than the grades.

my DD struggles to catch up - no fault of her own but she missed a lot of school.

her last report was mainly WTS and secured in maths but her her effort in all was excellent on report so I rewarded that.

So why don't you reward them for getting the best grade they are capable of? Teachers will happily tell you what they think your child is capable of achieving. If you think they worked hard then reward it.

I don't know anyone who only rewards for high grades. Do you? Is this affecting your own children in some way?

Who is it unfair to? I'm guessing you don't know all the ins and outs of how they reward and motivate their children and there is nothing stopping you rewarding your own children based on whatever factor you choose.

I reward effort so we go out after exams have finished, independent of results as long as they have tried their best that is all I ask.

Depends. If they make the effort then get high grades, fair enough

Is it a reward? Or encouragement to carry on trying?

I reward achievement, because it motivates mine to keep plugging away. It gives them something to strive towards. It puts a high value on education.

Having said that, I would also reward effort and regardless of outcome, if I knew they tried their hardest, I’d be proud.

I presume anyone with more than one child can adapt the reward system to meet the child

There is no law that says how it is done why do people think there is only one way?

We only have 1 ds but we did reward him after his GCSE's and A Levels but we didn't promise anything in advance or even hint he would get a reward as that may have resulted in disappointment if he didn't do as well (or bankrupted us if he did lol)

If you think it’s unfair, then don’t do it. No one is saying you have to.
If other parents want to, then it’s up to them - not your business.

Top execs get a bonus for good results, part of life. I gave all my kids money for their results, usually it was Xmas and birthdays nothing in between, it was a reward really for alway attending school, good behaviour, paying attention in classes and the revision done, that led to good results, years of hard work. They all 100% deserved it.

I referred to it as a"performance related bonus" but really how I parent does not matter to you, it worked well for my dc, and if I had other children, I would do it again.

So don't offer your DC rewards? I don't see how it affects you what other parents do.

I agree, I think the reward should be when exams are finished and they have studied hard and done their best, not after results.

my eldest is very academic we told him
he’d get a tenner for each A at N5, fiver for a B and a C and £20 for each A at higher, tenner for a B and a C. He got all As so £70 for N5 and £100 for higher. Nothing like a car or anything like that! He has friends who got £100 for an A, £50 for a B etc. I think that’s bonkers personally but up to them.

my youngest has ASD so he’s struggled and in the end he got the same as his brother for passing them all. It didn’t seem fair for him to get less.

We also went for dinner after exams and again after results.

As a parent with 2 DDs one working above expected standards and one working towards expected standards, I feel this is unfair as my children who is working towards expected standards is probably working 2x as hard as my child who it naturally comes easier too

This makes zero sense @TheLivelyCat .
You set the expectations and rewards for your own children as individuals. You can reward your high achieving child AND your hard working meeting expectations child for their own personal achievements.
You need to stop worrying about what others do - the real issue you have is how to manage and acknowledge the different potentials of your children without upsetting either one, which is totally understandable.

I didn’t reward my dc specifically but that was my choice. My dc’s reward was stuff for university

I have a very bright, able child, but he's lazy. He is however very motivated by money. He's getting £50 for every A the gets in his exams, £25 for a B, nothing for a C because if he gets Cs something has gone very wrong, maximum earnings for him £400. It will certainly motivate him to get his head in the books!
Next year it will be £100 for every A, max earnings £500. He needs those 5 As for his chosen uni course.

What I do with my child is up to me, what other parents do is up to them. I can afford the big rewards like a car, but this I can. If they can afford to reward results with a car then go for it.

Surely that's the same in other things that it's acceptable to praise for results.

If I did well in tennis, I moved up ratings, and got prizes/ trophies for winning tournaments. If I moved up ratings it opened doors and opportunities for better tennis games etc.

Ditto music exams. When dd2 passed her grade five it meant she moved up a level at orchestra then was eligible to go on tour etc.

What's the difference?

You can choose to reward your kids however you want.

However some of us who are academically 'gifted' still work hard to get the grades we did, and those who didnt achieve as much often did not work as hard. Its not 1 size fits all.

I’m a big believer in celebrating success. Exam results, new jobs, promotions etc. But success is personal and individual. If the person in the family worked hard and feels proud of their achievement that counts as success. It doesn’t matter if it’s better or worse than another family member.