AIBU to feel uncomfortable about my in laws offering a huge house deposit?

[ThatZippyWasp]

Husband 39 and I 39 are we are expecting our third baby later this summer. Our eldest is 3 and our second has just turned 1 so it is going to be busy but we are really excited to meet our baby.

We have recently announced to our families about the pregnancy and everyone seems happy for us. However my in laws have immediately started again about our housing situation.

For context, we bought a house 9 years ago. It was a 3 bed in SW London. We sold it in 2022 when we decided we wanted to start a family and change our priorities a bit. Since then we have been renting. I know renting is not ideal or particularly secure but it has worked for us for the time being while we figured out what we wanted long term.

We do have savings and we already have around a 30 percent deposit for an average 5 bed in SW or SE London. We have been actively looking and keeping an eye on the market. We would ideally like to stay in SW London but we have also seen some lovely houses in Dulwich so we are open to SE London as well.

The difficulty is that we are going to be a family of five so realistically we need a 5 or possibly even 6 bedroom house. As you can imagine those are not cheap in London. We have also considered moving further out into Surrey but we both work in London and need to be in the office twice a week so we cannot go too far out.

My in laws keep saying we need more stability for the children and they have now offered to help financially. Their suggestion is that they would contribute a large amount towards the deposit, roughly 50 percent. Between that and our savings we would obviously be able to buy somewhere much sooner and with far less pressure.

On paper it sounds incredibly generous and I do realise many people would jump at the offer. But I cannot help feeling uncomfortable about it. I worry that we would end up feeling like we owe them something or that it might blur boundaries later on or if there’s a breakdown of our marriage. We’ve been together since we were 19 at university.

My husband thinks I am massively overthinking and says they are just trying to help us and want their grandchildren to have a secure home. He says we would be silly to turn it down given how expensive London is. I think we are capable of buying our own place ourselves we’ve saved up enough for 30% deposit could probably add another 5% each to that. I don’t want his parents to later on say to us you have the house because of us or you have this because of us etc. They’re lovely in laws and I’m grateful but I also think boundaries are important once we start blurring it would mean they would get a say in a lot of aspects of my children’s lives which isn’t what I’m comfortable with.

DH and I have spoke and he’s said it’s my call he understands where I’m coming from. I feel bad saying no as it is a privilege but I just don’t want to feel as though I owe them something in return. Maybe I’m over thinking it and I’ve watched too many exaggerated tv dramas.

But from your DH’s siblings point of you, you can understand they will be raging to discover their parents have given you half a million pounds+ to buy a house with TWO spare rooms (an insane luxury anywhere but especially in London!), when they haven’t received similar gifts.

I gave my son money towards his house deposit after discussing it with all 3 kids and I've changed my will to reflect this. If his siblings have the same, I will make sure everything is evened out. Maybe your husband's parents are doing something similar?

My parents gave DH and I money to get a bigger house on the proviso that we wouldn’t inherit equal amounts when they passed away. I have three siblings who weren’t given the same amount and my older sister nearly imploded when she was told.

It was the start of my birth family unravelling and after my Dad died we struggled to stay together.

Among the mess it caused I managed to keep in contact with my elder sister and youngest brother but I am NC with my Mum and younger sister.

I wish we had just turned down my Dad’s offer.

Yikes, I’ve just read your updates that 3 other siblings have not had help. I‘m going to
completely change my tune. Unless your dh wants to totally destroy the relationship with them, only accept the money if they get offered the same financial help.

Believe me you would be doing them a favour taking it. That’s what my folks have said. It also is probably noted that you go some inheritance early. If you marriage was to break down then they gifted it to both or you not solely your husband…

First of all, 3 kids don’t need 4 bedrooms, they don’t even need 3. I was one of 4 kids and we lived in a 4 bedroom house with loads of space, our house was much larger than my friends houses.

Secondly, I suspect PILs are partly aware of needing to avoid IHT down the line, and know it’s better to give sooner than later. They probably see it as gifting to the grandkids ultimately.

That said, imho they should first and foremost treat all of their children equally, but it’s their money and you do not in reality know exactly how much help they have or have not given DHs siblings. For all you know one or more of DHs siblings might have got into debt and been bailed out by PILs for example.

You might find they have given money to the others for different things. I have given my dc money for house deposits - I wanted to make sure they got it without inheritance tax (fingers crossed I don’t die within 7 years!). I had no help from my parents but I don’t see how else they will get on the housing market without a little bit of help.

Make sure it’s a gift and not a loan - a loan would tie you into them, a gift wouldn’t. If it is a loan, you need to make sure it’s all documented properly and even if it’s a gift, I would make sure there’s a piece of paper that says it is to avoid problems down the line.

It’s not my money I’m not interested in my in laws money they owe me absolutely nothing.

If they’d like to help us they can put that money towards our children (their grandchildren) but I don’t want their money to be honest. People don’t just give you money. I didn’t grow up with money but I have always been told that people do not just give you money they’ll always be strings attached to it even subtly. My PIL haven’t offered to pay off my DHs siblings mortgages yet have offered to help us it just seems strange to me and I’d rather not get involved. It’s a nice gesture and an extreme privilege and that’s money that can be given to our children not us we don’t need it, we’ve worked hard to save and have enough to get a house, their money would be a lot of help but at what cost.

They haven’t

We probably won’t get a 6 bed but we’d like a 5 bed so as to have a spare bedroom.

What is wrong with wanting a spare bedroom ? This is a genuine question. We would just like to have a spare bedroom

@ThatZippyWasp - the fact that they are apparently so willing to favour 1 child over their 3 others is troubling. I don’t know how any parent could think that is okay. That suggests their values are a bit screwed.

PS - there’s nothing wrong with wanting a spare room for guests.

Vast sums of money are rarely given without strings and I agree that the family dynamics will just worsen if the favourite child is given this money. I think you’ve made the right decision.

This bit makes me understand your hesitation. My ILs have helped us with the house significantly but they also helped DHs brother. We know what's in the wills and they have tried to be fair with it all. Not sure a rift is worth it with his siblings.

If they are looking to give some of their money away - why not let DH go back with a counter offer to say, all 4 siblings get an equal amount?

Obviously it's their money and they can do as they wish, but that would benefit everybody and make everybody slightly better off, even if it's 'just' 50k to each sibling, as opposed to 200k coming to your family?

From a tax perspective, it is beneficial for them + you to start transferring the money sooner rather than later in smaller amounts, also considering you probably need it more now than 20 years from now.

I was going to same the same thing. Dh says thank you very much, that's very generous of you, but it is not fair to give me a money and not my siblings. Share the amount between the four of them. They met already be on the housing ladder, but they can put it towards overpaying the mortgage, home improvements etc.

I meant to vote YABU. This will make a big difference to your family!

It's interesting your DH is happy to accept the money . Does he think it's fair on his older siblings? No judgement, just a thought. If he accepts it's unfair is it something he could speak to them about? Or does he not want to rock the boat too much with his parents?

I was firmly on the take the money side, but the sibling context changes it entirely. I think you’re right and it’s not worth the fallout and pain to his siblings accepting this generous offer would bring.

What does the number of rooms have to do with whether they accept the money or not?

OP you don’t have to apologise to people on this thread for wanting spare rooms. We had, gasp, 3 spare bedrooms but we turned one of them into an en-suite. Nice having extra space and people don’t seem to grasp the not everyone wants to live at the lower margins of what they can afford. .

Anyway, I wouldn’t take the money either in your situation. But purely due to the sibling issue. They’ll end up resenting your husband. And given some of them have struggled to get on the property ladder and you then go and buy a house for, it sounds like, £2.5-£3m in SW London, you can’t blame the others for being upset. Although I’m sure many would say your inlaws can do what they like with their money. If they’d thrown money at the siblings in law, I’d probably have graciously accepted, but if it were me in your situation, my relationship with my siblings / SILs would be too important.Is your husband close to his siblings? Do they struggle general with the blatant favouritism of the golden son?

See all the comments on the number of bedrooms you do or do not need? THAT is entirely why you should not take this money. Opinions are like arseholes…everyone has one, but most should be kept covered….but when money is involved? That goes out the window! Spend your own money and choose how many bedrooms you do or do not have.

Oh no! I am loaded and my in-laws are too generous. Poor me!

How much are we talking here, as a 5 bed in SW London is quite possibly £1.5m+…?

These are quite serious sums of money.

He is not fussed by the money, he understands where I’m coming from. This is the first time his parents have offered to give him such a large sum but he’s very close with his siblings and would want thing to be equal between them. We just now think it’s odd they’ve offered us that but when his sister and her husband were looking PIL did not offer. This was about 10 years ago and they had the same amount of money back then to spare and help their children as they do now. Not much has changed.

I have said If his parents insist on wanting to help tell them they can put the money aside for our children and all the other grandchildren. Personally DH and I don’t need their money and will probably never really need their money it’s just an extra addition but it’s not something that we are waiting for.