AIBU to feel uncomfortable about my in laws offering a huge house deposit?

[ThatZippyWasp]

Husband 39 and I 39 are we are expecting our third baby later this summer. Our eldest is 3 and our second has just turned 1 so it is going to be busy but we are really excited to meet our baby.

We have recently announced to our families about the pregnancy and everyone seems happy for us. However my in laws have immediately started again about our housing situation.

For context, we bought a house 9 years ago. It was a 3 bed in SW London. We sold it in 2022 when we decided we wanted to start a family and change our priorities a bit. Since then we have been renting. I know renting is not ideal or particularly secure but it has worked for us for the time being while we figured out what we wanted long term.

We do have savings and we already have around a 30 percent deposit for an average 5 bed in SW or SE London. We have been actively looking and keeping an eye on the market. We would ideally like to stay in SW London but we have also seen some lovely houses in Dulwich so we are open to SE London as well.

The difficulty is that we are going to be a family of five so realistically we need a 5 or possibly even 6 bedroom house. As you can imagine those are not cheap in London. We have also considered moving further out into Surrey but we both work in London and need to be in the office twice a week so we cannot go too far out.

My in laws keep saying we need more stability for the children and they have now offered to help financially. Their suggestion is that they would contribute a large amount towards the deposit, roughly 50 percent. Between that and our savings we would obviously be able to buy somewhere much sooner and with far less pressure.

On paper it sounds incredibly generous and I do realise many people would jump at the offer. But I cannot help feeling uncomfortable about it. I worry that we would end up feeling like we owe them something or that it might blur boundaries later on or if there’s a breakdown of our marriage. We’ve been together since we were 19 at university.

My husband thinks I am massively overthinking and says they are just trying to help us and want their grandchildren to have a secure home. He says we would be silly to turn it down given how expensive London is. I think we are capable of buying our own place ourselves we’ve saved up enough for 30% deposit could probably add another 5% each to that. I don’t want his parents to later on say to us you have the house because of us or you have this because of us etc. They’re lovely in laws and I’m grateful but I also think boundaries are important once we start blurring it would mean they would get a say in a lot of aspects of my children’s lives which isn’t what I’m comfortable with.

DH and I have spoke and he’s said it’s my call he understands where I’m coming from. I feel bad saying no as it is a privilege but I just don’t want to feel as though I owe them something in return. Maybe I’m over thinking it and I’ve watched too many exaggerated tv dramas.

Having read this, I’d be very cautious. DH is one of the older siblings in similar circumstances. His DB, the much favoured youngest has been given I’d estimate 750K, while DH and his sister don’t always get their birthdays remembered. It’s created massive resentment, and then Mil sits there wringing her hands wondering why they can’t all get along!

If its truly a gift and they will leave you to get on with it, then you’d be daft to refuse, but be mindful of gifts coming with obligations and what it might mean for siblings/cousin relationships going forward.

Why do people always get so pissy about bedrooms. That’s not really the issue. It’s the inequity and potential pitfalls of a gift like this.

id be wary too. Luckily I have parents and in laws who have always just given a set amount of money to each of the children at the same time.

Our Financial situations have all been different through the years. My sibling is VERY well off with no children. I would not be comfortable receiving money if they didn’t. Even though they don’t ’need’ it.

@ThatZippyWasp

I think you are definitely overthinking, given how long you have known your PIL and the bigger picture.
But us saying this won't help you feel any better. So - maybe look at it a different way and propose to make the PIL's contribution more agreeable to you?

For e.g. - your H's share in his inheritance can be smaller by the deposit amount. This would take care of your concerns over his siblings. (However - if he is not concerned - it's not really your place to get between them. PILs have a right to decide what to do with their money and when. And in this case - it's not about your H and his sister - there are also 3 little grand children involved. PILs are doing it for them, not your H as much)

You can also formally recognise PIL's contribution to the deposit - lawyers can draw whatever documents that are needed. So that in case of divorce you don't have a claim to it.

As to the number of bedrooms - I'd not be planning for an extra bedroom for your niece who'll only be there for 2 years. I'd be looking for the house that works for your main needs - say big bedrooms for the kids; large kitchen space; good school area; transportation to work - whatever is important to you.

When kids are small - it's actually quite nice to share a room with a sibling. Mine shared and had the other room as a playroom. Made them really close. And then when they were a little older they got their own "grown up" rooms.

I think given the sibling situation, the fact that you want to help your niece could make things even trickier. If I was one of your DH's siblings I would feel hurt that my parents' money was going towards helping someone not even in the direct family.

Dare I ask how much you have wasted Spent renting the last 3/4yrs

you don’t need 5/6 bedrooms

you could survive 3 and same sex share but I get all want own bedroom as older but adding a guest room as well seems madness

a spare is a luxury when have 3 kids

maybe a sofa bed in the playroom as to me that’s more essential then a spare bedroom used rarely

God - no way would I let myself get involved in some toxic mess that will come from a favourite child and a messed up sibling situation.

You have a great deposit - get on with finding the house you want and you can afford.

If the inlaws later want to give you - and all the other siblings - some money then that is fine. Lovely even. But don’t get yourself in a mess where you end up feeling you have to be guilty and apologetic about your own home. It will sour it.

Maybe it’s been a waste but we haven’t felt that it’s been a waste. We have been very happy to rent for the last 4 years, it’s been the perfect house for us and we’d have loved to buy it but LL isn’t wanting to sell it as of yet.

We would like to have a spare room I don’t see any issue with that if we can afford it ? Please let me know what the issue is with a spare room.

I think it is useful to listen to your gut instinct on this and if you are not feeling it, trust that feeling. However I don’t think PIL fairness to siblings is your or DH responsibility so I would not base your decision too heavily around that. It’s for PIL to manage.

Many of my friends have had financial contributions from parents for deposits, either as a loan which they’ve then paid back or as early inheritance. None of them have experienced parents interfering or expecting a say in the house or renovations or anything. As others have said, you know enough about PIL already to gauge whether that would be a risk as you’d know if they already had a tendency to interfere or be over involved.

Thank you. That’s what I’m feeling right now a lot of guilt already.

DH has said he wants me to be comfortable if that means not taking his parents offer then that is fine. We have saved up we are able to buy on our own of course it would be nice to have that extra money but longer term wish the dynamics at play it’s probably not worth it.

I would have loved that. We were never offered a penny and had to work all hours for years to get a tiny semi. Be very very grateful and don’t brag about it to your friends. And consider yourself very fortunate to have generous in laws.

That’s true.

I think we will stick to buying a house on our own. We’ve been looking at houses to buy and are ready to buy, the extra money would have been great but it’s not worth it with the situations. My husband is fine with my nice staying with us during her alevels.

My ILs were great too, got on with them very well. We always refused offers of help because there was always an underlying 'threat' of control.

If you can manage without then do so is my advice.

Surprised by the large number of posts telling you to take the money and stop overthinking. It sounds like a poisoned chalice to me, and you clearly have a strong gut feeling not to accept. I wouldn't ignore that.

I think the number of bedrooms matters hugely cos very big houses will be more expensive and the temptation to take the money greater.

I was thinking yes it makes sense to take until you said about the siblings and favouritism. It’s not fair and may unintentionally create bad blood that’s not worth it. Blatant favouritism is tricky in family dynamics - I’m the youngest and get treated in a similar way and realistically know that they would go above and beyond more for myself than others and it’s really not fair. As things stand, my parents have helped financially with all of us pretty fairly but I’ve stepped back a couple of times we things that would have crossed a line and I think that’s where this lies. His family relationships are more important. I’d go for a nice 4 bed personally and see if there’s a space that could have a good sofa bed slightly separately or if two of your children could share just whilst your niece is with you.

Yes I’m surprised too but I won’t be taking any money from them I think it opens up doors for them to have expectations from us. I can’t be 100% sure but we’ve saved up so much rather that than taking the offer and regretting it.

If you would sooner be independent, then don’t take it. No point in feeling uncomfortable. But it’s a very generous offer thst you’re lucky to have the chance of.

You are overthinking. It is completely normal for parents to start offloading their cash as they age. We’ve had significant cash injections over the years and as time goes on, those lump sums are getting bigger and bigger. We don’t need them but we understand the financial planning behind them.

That’s understandable but they can do that to the other siblings. We are able to survive without their cash, if they’d like to help they can put that in our children’s savings but I’m not comfortable with taking PIL money. I also don’t come from a family that has that kind of money to give, my parents would have loved ti have helped me but also it feels a lot nicer doing it on your own. It’s taken a lot for us to save up the amount we have and I’m quite proud of us.

This sounded fine to me until you mentioned his siblings. Do you think his parents would consider doing something more fair eg gifts to all children? It seems a shame not to be able to accept if it's otherwise going to be subject to IHT down the line but like you I wouldn't like the unfairness.

The last 4 years are a very good time to be out of the London housing market so you've done well there.

We are very grateful but there’s dynamics that I’m not comfortable getting involved with. None of the other siblings had any help it all seems abit peculiar to me and I’d rather not get involved. I’m not that money motivated.

They’re not my parents they don’t owe me anything. If they’d like to help us they can put that amount towards our children’s savings for when they’re 18/25.

I'd be uncomfortable accepting such a large sum of money from anyone, OP, but given what you say about their family dynamic I well understand why you are cautious.

In your DH's shoes I might be inclined to ask myself what I valued most: the money, or a relationship with my siblings together with freedom from the obligation that invariably comes with 'gifts' like this. That's if his parents haven't ruined things for them already with their ghastly 'golden child' dynamic. It's horribly abusive (yes, it really is), does untold damage within families, and in the end it rarely does the golden child many more favours than it does the scapegoat/s on the other side of things.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in the middle of this and may now find yourself in a quandary between one partner who wants to accept the funds and the other who doesn't. It's framed as doing you a favour but it really is creating an awkward situation for everyone. They also appear to be rather pushy in their attempts to persuade you what's best for your lives, and this would set off another warning klaxon for me.

My stance on this would be a polite but firm 'thanks, but no thanks'. If you're already worried that this will put you under future obligation then you have your answer.

Incidentally, you don't sound at all 'stupid' to be wary about this. You sound very sensible.

Completely understand your concerns OP. My dad gave brother a large contribution to his first flat (and subsequently helped a lot with legal costs when he got divorced). In his will I’m due to get the same amount plus a bit of interest (nothing like the amount I’d have made or saved if I’d put it into property 20 years ago) before rest is divided. It’s messy. I think it’s so important to treat your children equably.

Can you say to PIL that its a really generous offer but it doesnt fell right/fair/comfortable for you to take it if their other children dont get the same? It would give them a chance to explain why this is and why they ard thinking of doing it this way.

Beside the point, but why on earth did you sell your previous house and start renting? I can’t see any advantage of selling your home, (and wasting money paying someone else’s mortgage), unless it’s to buy another.