AIBU to feel uncomfortable about my in laws offering a huge house deposit?

[ThatZippyWasp]

Husband 39 and I 39 are we are expecting our third baby later this summer. Our eldest is 3 and our second has just turned 1 so it is going to be busy but we are really excited to meet our baby.

We have recently announced to our families about the pregnancy and everyone seems happy for us. However my in laws have immediately started again about our housing situation.

For context, we bought a house 9 years ago. It was a 3 bed in SW London. We sold it in 2022 when we decided we wanted to start a family and change our priorities a bit. Since then we have been renting. I know renting is not ideal or particularly secure but it has worked for us for the time being while we figured out what we wanted long term.

We do have savings and we already have around a 30 percent deposit for an average 5 bed in SW or SE London. We have been actively looking and keeping an eye on the market. We would ideally like to stay in SW London but we have also seen some lovely houses in Dulwich so we are open to SE London as well.

The difficulty is that we are going to be a family of five so realistically we need a 5 or possibly even 6 bedroom house. As you can imagine those are not cheap in London. We have also considered moving further out into Surrey but we both work in London and need to be in the office twice a week so we cannot go too far out.

My in laws keep saying we need more stability for the children and they have now offered to help financially. Their suggestion is that they would contribute a large amount towards the deposit, roughly 50 percent. Between that and our savings we would obviously be able to buy somewhere much sooner and with far less pressure.

On paper it sounds incredibly generous and I do realise many people would jump at the offer. But I cannot help feeling uncomfortable about it. I worry that we would end up feeling like we owe them something or that it might blur boundaries later on or if there’s a breakdown of our marriage. We’ve been together since we were 19 at university.

My husband thinks I am massively overthinking and says they are just trying to help us and want their grandchildren to have a secure home. He says we would be silly to turn it down given how expensive London is. I think we are capable of buying our own place ourselves we’ve saved up enough for 30% deposit could probably add another 5% each to that. I don’t want his parents to later on say to us you have the house because of us or you have this because of us etc. They’re lovely in laws and I’m grateful but I also think boundaries are important once we start blurring it would mean they would get a say in a lot of aspects of my children’s lives which isn’t what I’m comfortable with.

DH and I have spoke and he’s said it’s my call he understands where I’m coming from. I feel bad saying no as it is a privilege but I just don’t want to feel as though I owe them something in return. Maybe I’m over thinking it and I’ve watched too many exaggerated tv dramas.

How about you accept the money but have a legal agreement whereby in the event of divorce, the gifted amount goes your DH or in trust for your children? But that the equity / house value increases are still split 50/50.

That way if your in laws do ever say anything, tell them that they have the money to their son / grandchildren, not you.

you can afford to buy the house that you need without parental help.

your PIL haven’t been as financially generous with your DH’s siblings.

you feel uncomfortable about accepting the gift.

you and DH have decided between you not to take the money.

that’s all that needs to be said.

personally, I respect your approach. I’d do the same in your shoes.

I don't understand the grief you are getting on this thread OP. Your decision is sensible, measured and well founded. You feel that it is inherently unfair that the PIL did not offer comparable financial assistance to your DH's siblings and there will be strings attached to this. I agree with you, I would not want to benefit from an inequitable familial relationship in this way. There is a massive imbalance in treatment here and it really would not sit well with me either. I think it would sour your husband's relationship with his siblings if they found out, particularly his sister who sounded like she was in far greater need of the financial input from the parents when they were buying.

Ok.

So you don't need a 5/6 bed.

So it comes down to swallow your issues and get a 5/6 bed that you want with their generous help, or get the size of house you can afford (a 4 bed).

Anything else is just fancying around semantics.

If op said that in her op , sure replies would have been diff

on the face of it, assuming it makes no difference to their day to day finances it makes total sense for in laws to want to offload a big chunk of their inheritance before the taxman somehow gets their hands on it. It's also a a reality that a signficant proprtion of people buying houses are relying on parental (or in law) help to be able to do to so .
We benefitted hugely when in laws sold their 2nd property and effecively split the proceeds between the sons - being married to one of the sons it clearly affected me (positively) to the piont that 10 years on, we actually dont have a mortgage any more. I' m hugely grateful and dont feel I owe them anything at all.
Whereas I have no intention of splitting up from dh, I also know that should the worst happen, both he and in laws would treat me fairly.

HOWEVER, in this case with the in laws clearly showing favouritsm to DH, I can see how you want to walk away from the offer. Surely this cant end well for DH and his siblings. Whereas in our case, all three children were treated 100% equally despite vastly different financial circumstances at the time.

btw we have 2 kids and the spare room is very helpful and I can see why you want it. In our case it's a spare room and also home office for me.

Why are people so offended that you’d like a big hose with plenty of space? My partner and I have two children and we’re looking at five bedroom houses because if we could have more room why wouldn’t we? A spare bedroom plus a little music studio for my partner, people are allowed to have more requirements for bedrooms if they want to!

Anyway, this wouldn’t sit right with me either. It sounds like it would cause massive tension amongst the siblings and also if he knows he’s the favourite I’m guessing there have been instances where it’s cropped up before. You obviously have reservations around it and would feel uncomfortable at the prospect of having such a substantial amount of money gifted to you and I would feel the same

Exactly @Clearinguptheclutter, it’s the different treatment of the siblings that’s the problem.

My DH has three siblings and I can’t imagine his parents giving only one of them a large sum and nothing to the others. I certainly couldn’t do that to my two, I’d always aim to offer them equal amounts.

Goodness me, the strength of feeling on here about money (and an extra bedroom or two) really sums up why you should go with your gut and be independent in your finances.
These are strangers on the internet, yet so critical of your house with 5/6 bedrooms…strangers….can you imagine if any of your DH’s siblings or parents, feel the same. Life would be hell!

FWIW

• PiL should be treating their children equally. (unless there are significant inequalities at play, disabled child, serious illness etc).
• You are right in maintaining your independent financial life. Often money comes with unintended poor consequences (“gifted money for SIX bedrooms”, “gifted money and yet they can afford a holiday/new car”…etc.)
• There is a compromise, PiL could split the gifted money between all four siblings, that way you have a little bit towards your deposit and they have some money to use too.
• Have PiL’s considered there own finances, future house move, need for care, deprivation of assets etc.

Of course you are, I'm sorry. It's just you are in such an incredibly lucky position here, with relatives, willing to give you such an incredible amount of money as well as something so many people could never imagine - the security of your own home (more secure than renting anyway).

It's just, almost, beyond my comprehension to be in a position to turn such an thing down. But, I don't know you, your in-laws or the rest of your extended family and perhaps it is a bit 'too good to be true', or 'no such thing as a free lunch' situation, and involves guilt for other relatives

Really only you can make this decision, most strangers on Mumsnet are not going to understand the complexities of your family dynamics.

I think I was just jealous and flabbergasted - I watch so many property shows, where young couples, families with hundreds of kids and only one working parent etc etc seem to be able to rustle up half a million from nowhere when their budget runs out, to build a fancy new annex or what have you, and I always think, how can anyone possibly find that sort of money, when they budget was only £100k? I think it's usually wealthy family members. And I just think they are so lucky and privileged.

And I just think they are so lucky and privileged.

What is also a privilege is having a lovely relationship with your husband's siblings, one where you don't want to benefit from their parents when they've been denied any help.

Her SILs and BILs will be around for decades after her parents in law - that's the relationship that needs to be cherished.

I don’t think it’s offended that the OP wants 5-6 bedrooms - it’s that the op needs to rely on pil to fund extra bedrooms that are unneeded. If you can afford 20 bedrooms on your budget that’s great but it not a sad story to only be able to buy a 4 bed when you have 3 kids.

@Butterknife She hasn’t said she needs PIL’s money to get the number of bedrooms she wants.

I think you’ve misunderstood my post I guess I worded it slightly too confusing.

We don’t need PiLs money to afford 5/6 rooms we can manage that on our own. We have 30% deposit for the average 5/6 bedroom house in the areas we are looking.

Ah fair enough I must’ve missed that detail. Yes in my situation I would be looking at less bedrooms if we had to rely on a financial contribution in order to get a bigger house

I’ve worked in plenty of houses of 5-6 bedrooms and only 2 kids, it’s not that usual if the funds are there. I’d be in a much bigger house given half the chance, even if we can ‘manage’ on our current 3 bed. But op, I’d be disappointed in my DH if he was happy to take take take from his parents without considering his siblings, how does he justify that?

I can’t get my head around the renting- surely staying in the house you owned and building up more equity would have given you a HUGE amount extra to cover a much bigger house now! Am I missing something?

Oh! And Dulwich is lovely! But cheaper options are Forest Hill and Nunhead. Herne Hill is also lovely but I’m not sure exactly how it compares to Dulwich price wise.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a 5 bed house. I want a lovely big farmhouse with several acres.

The entire premise of your OP is that you cannot currently afford the house you want not need as you have only got a 30% deposit and you're unsure whether to accept your inlaws gift.

I am merely pointing out that what you want vs what you need are two different requirements. I'm sure we'd all love a spare room, we'd all love to do family favours by allowing them to stay to study etc but you can only do what you can do on the budget you have.

And with regards to getting cross with people pointing out your phrase of realistically we need a 5/6 bed- people were responding based on the info you gave ie you are a family of 5 which led to confusion.

youve misunderstood. 30% deposit in this case is over £450k for the houses we are looking at that are 5 bedrooms in SW and SE ldn.

We are able to afford the house on our own and the deposit is more than enough. If you’re in real estate I’d love to hear more or any advice you have as we are looking at he moment. We did put an offer in not long ago and were going through the process, we pulled out after a survey it was a 6 bed property and they seemed pretty pleased with the 30% deposit that we had to offer.

We are open to lots of areas, we aren’t too stuck on one we’d love to stay in south London whether that’s east or west.

We really like Dulwich it’s lovely.

We are currently renting a 4 bedroom house which is enough space for us and the children and will be enough for a while as they’re still small but we’d like to make a start in finding a ‘forever’ home and finding an area for us with good school options for the children.

I would say a household income of over 300k is enough for a 5 bed property even a 6 bed it’s not 2022 anymore the housing market is different right now which is why we are wanting to buy now while buyers have a little bit of leeway power.

I would say a household income of over 300k is enough for a 5 bed property even a 6 bed it’s not 2022 anymore the housing market is different right now which is why we are wanting to buy now while buyers have a little bit of leeway power.

The OP is right, we are in a nice bit of SW London and lots of houses are sitting on the market for ages or being reduced (multiple times!) if not aggressively priced to begin with.

With a mortgage multiplier of 4x on £300k plus a £450k deposit that gives OP £1.65k to spend. You could certainly get a five bed around here for that (although in the less desirable part of our area - which is still perfectly nice!).

How’s your and dhs relationship with them?

Whats your gut instinct on this? As women we have forgotten to listen to our instinct.