Nothing for Mothers Day (first as a single parent)

[BattyBurg]

It’s Mothers Day tomorrow and I have a bad feeling that I’m not going to get anything this year. I’ve celebrated today with my mum, dad DC. Done a buffet and baked a cake and we all had a nice day. I had hoped to see my teen tomorrow but he’s doing stuff with his mates all day which is fine but it looks like nothing has been organised with Ex, no cards though the post, teen didn’t come down with a card or anything today and my youngest wouldn’t be able to organise anything himself apart from a card in school.

AIBU to have expected ex to have organised something? Sent a little something through the post or a card etc?

For those of you who are separated, does your ex organise anything on Mother’s Day?

I really hope you get something OP 🩷

My DH is a brilliant dad and even if we split up, I know he’d still be brilliant dad to our children so I’d always encourage them to make a card/or I’d buy a card on their behalf and even a £10 gift or such whilst they’re young. I don’t agree with other posters, I think if splits are amicable (no cheating/no domestic violence etc) then why not carry on appreciating the other person as a good parent?

DH and I are together but I'm always really clear with my teenager that it's his job to think of and source gifts for people, including his parents. He now tends to take his younger brother out with him when they go gift shopping.

There are way too many me who seem to think that gift giving is a natural female competence rather than a responsibility and skill to be learned - I think the early teens are a good time to start setting these expectations.

I hope your teen has sorted this off his own bat but if not it might be worth settling clear expectations for him in future when it comes to this sort of thing?

Its a tough one.
Yes, it would be nice for your ex to organise something. It would be nice for him to instill that appreciation in the children.

Unfortunately it can't be expected with exes. You can't expect them to behave how you would like them to.

My stepson is 14. His parents are seperated since before he was 2. I'm in his life 10yrs. Every year, we ensure he has a gift/card for his mum on her bday and mothees day. In the 12 yrs my husband has only recieved one gift on father's day (which was actually smashed). This is the 1st yr where we have made the conscious decision not to sort anything purely my SS is now at the age where he can actually sort a card or something himself and his reaction was "Meh" when his Dad suggested bringing him to the shop to get something.

My son’s dad is useless too. He’s not mentioned anything and I imagine he’ll remember tomorrow afternoon 😏
I always take son out myself to choose me something. Today we went out with my partner (we don’t live together) and I was sent for a coffee whilst the boys went shopping ❤️ son then made me a hand made card. I am excited to see what I have tomorrow (partner is an excellent gift giver)and son is very thoughtful.

I think you just need to sort yourself out OP. It’s the only way sometimes.

There have been times when her dad has got me something from her. Probably more the first year after we'd separated. There have been times when she's asked him herself if she can get something, which has probably helped.

But many years when he didn't get anything. And honestly every year I'd take her with me to the shops and say what do you want to get me. Obviously I'd pay for it with my money. And she'd choose something. Nothing big. Because I wanted something for mother's day and that was the only way I'd get something.

This year she's 12. She went into a shop by herself to get it. Spent £3 of her own money.

If yours is a teen I'd expect them to get something themself but I'd probably remind them (because I like to have something, doesn't have to be something big). If you say the other is too young to sort anything, I'd take him myself like I said above.

It would’ve been nice if he’d at least promoted your teen. But if he hasn’t done anything for tomorrow then I wouldn’t bother with Father’s Day. There is no point making the effort when it’s not reciprocated

Unless you have a very amicable relationship with your ex, no, he's not going to get you presents anymore.

I don't mean to sound harsh but it's a holiday for kids to buy you something cos you're their mum. I usually get what I want cos I explicitly tell people my expectations. I would have told my teen look it's mother's day and you're the older brother and man of the house now. You need to take your little brother to get a gift and make a special occasion out of it for him. Or I would have taken my toddler to the shops and said it's mother's day what do you want to get me with this budget/what would you like to bake for me today for mother's day and we'll do it together?

My ex and I haven’t been on the best terms for years. He can be quite inconsiderate and not very supportive. I’ve noticed though that if our son (neurodivergent teen) stays with him in the days just before my birthday or Mother’s Day, he usually comes home with a card. My ex has an older daughter from a previous relationship who’s around a lot, so I get the sense she’s probably the one reminding my son. Outside of that, over the years as a single parent, my mum, my sister, or my friend have sometimes picked up cards on Kids behalf for me, which I really appreciate.

YANBU at all to feel however you feel

However, your ex isn’t going to facilitate mothers’ day for you. If your teen thinks of it, great. If not, meh!

You’ve had a nice celebration with your Mum and Dad so that’s something (albeit you organised it).

My youngest has gone hiking with the scouts overnight so I’ve told him my present is for him to try to be careful and not have to go to a and e!

Eldest and I had a lovely walk today so that’s a nice thing too.

You've got the best mothers day present ever in yiur child so use this time and day to do something special together doesn't even have to cist you anything the memory will last a lifetime I had many yrs with no gifts other than what they made me in school and this was worth way more than what money could buy a day that passes you'll never have back so go do something fun and create a memory because that should mean what mothers day is all about not ribbons gifts and bows

I think mother's day has become too much pressure and I say that as a single mum of 2 who are likely to get me a card. It has become so commercialised that it has gone beyond simple appreciation and leaves mother's like yourself and perhaps those who are estranged/bereaved lost and sad. I want to celebrate my fortune of being a mum but not feel unloved or uncared for simply because I don't get a card or a gift as this is not important in the grand scheme of things.

I hope you're surprised tomorrow OP.

My DH always took his children to buy something for their Mum, even though it wasn't an amicable divorce and she wouldnt have dreamed of returning the favour on father's day. But then he's a decent human.

Your teen should have been thoughtful and asked ex or his grandparents if they could give him some money to buy one, or used his pocket money/any savings he has. I know teenagers are generally pretty selfish but he’s old enough to think of something like that now, also would have been nice of him not to spend the day with his mates.

Ex never buys me anything off (young) ds for Mother’s Day. I always buy something small off ds for him for Father’s Day.

He was a greedy bastard whilst married and never bought a Mother’s Day gift then so not surprising.

Glad you got to have a good day with your family yesterday OP. I remember being upset the first single parent Mother’s Day but I’ve gotten used to it now.

That’s a shame that he doesn’t make the effort. It doesn’t cost much to get a card and a little bunch of flowers etc. My ex has always been good so far on my birthday and Christmas with presents off the children so this is unexpected but things have been less amicable lately as well be going to court for a CAO. I’ll always sort something for Father’s Day even if he doesn’t do anything for Mother’s Day.

I think this is a signal that he doesn't want to continue with gift exchanges and you should respect that.

I know my husband would consider it quite intrusive if his ex bought him gifts. I have that in hand.

Update - I’ve had nothing! Feeling a bit sorry for myself now as it is definitely rubbish to not even have a card! The door went just now with an Amazon driver with a parcel, I thought for a moment that maybe ex had sent something over but they had the wrong house 🙈 Ahh well! Had a nice day yesterday at least even if I didn’t get anything today.

The weird thing is he’s always been really good with stuff like this and cards and gifts from the kids. So it was unusual for nothing to be done. Teen did nothing, no card, no happy Mother’s Day! Youngest did make a homemade card in school which was very cute, he doesn’t have much understanding about Mother’s Day so it was a normal day for us but the card was very sweet 💕

Surely he’s always been really good with stuff like this and cards and gifts from the kids when you were still together - now you are separated he won't be doing the same

Since we’ve been separated we’ve had my birthday and Christmas where he organised cards and presents from the kids, I did the same for Christmas and his birthday so it is unusual that he’s done nothing but things have been less amicable as we’ve got court coming up.

My teen has ASD so I am used to having to teach things explicitly, but it still always surprises me when people say teens are old enough to organize these things themselves . Teens will only do these things if they are taught to do them.

It would be great if your ex was the kind of coparent to take the initiative. If he isn’t, then teach your teen this behavior. Even give him a bit of money and instructions on what to do at Mother’s Day, your birthday, and Christmas. Eventually he will learn to do it independently.

Sorry you didn't get anything from your teen. You have 2 options for all these types of events going forward. 1 you accept you won't get anything and be disappointed, or shocked if you did,. Or 2 you teach them to make an effort, take DC to the shop ask them to get you something and you will pay etc but they must choose it, or ask them to make you a card etc.

I would opt for 2, not only is it teaching them to be kind and think of others on such days Id do it for Xmas days etc too they should also buy for siblings you are teaching them to do what ex has likely always just taken over and done for them. They are kids they don't know especially if they have never had to think, it's possible they feel bad they had nothing to give or anyway to buy it.

A decent ex would give them a nudge.
It’s probably quite rare though 💐

Glad you got a card from your younger one. Your teen should have done something too- maybe prompt him yourself next year if he’s likely to forget. I wouldn’t expect your ex to be involved.