What I found in DS13 room - how to deal with?

[VelvetVanguard]

I don't know if the right thing to do is. I got with my sons dad at 20. his dad was older and had 3 older boys already when we got together.
I got pregnant quickly and had DS just before I turned 22.

I was naive but over the years he was emotionally abusive, misogynistic etc. I split when DS was about 10 and he stayed living with dad as ex somewhat bullied me into it and I imagine he did with his ex. He's turned ds against me fully

DS changed and was also abusive towards me emotionally and also would sound so much like his dad in the things he'd say. I stopped seeing him when he was 12, not a big dramatic thing I just stopped enforcing he cone here every other weekend as he didn't want to anyway and it was miserable for us both. I did message him but he ended up blocking me. I'm also still in contact with his 3rd son, he's the only one who seems to have escaped his dads attitude somehow considering his brothers haven't. He's 18 now, my son is almost 14 at the end of the month.

I hear a lot about DS from him, they seem to be close but he told me his dad has taken him our of school because he was getting into trouble constantly and his dad said the school were bullying him which I doubt. He probably just couldn't be bothered to engage with school. He's doing work online using free resources which is only because the brother makes him do it which at 18 isn't his job to parent his younger brother as he also goes to college but I am grateful for this. I haven't reported it and I don't know is SS would be interested and I worry for his son then.

I started seeing DS again recently, he's quite hostile still and rude but hopefully we are fixing our relationship. He stayed over 3 nights last weekend Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. He spent most his time on his PS that I bought him but did do out on his own a few times. He didn't want to do anything with me

He left some clothes here so earlier I went to our some socks into his drawer and I just found empty empty packets of tobacco, lighters, filter papers a random tissue with blood on it, and a condom. Ive spoken to him about vaping as I thought that was the “in thing” for teens rather than smoking but oh God I don't know how to handle this. In tempted to just throw it in the bin but he'd know I have as it wasn't hidden maybe it was a test of sorts but I don't know what he’d be trying to achieve

Ordinarily I would have a very stern chat but given our relationship I don't know

..

Presumably you're not intending to throw the condom away? If he is sexually active then it's good he's using protection.

I'm strict when it comes to smoking, so I'd definitely throw the tobacco away but given your relationship with him it might be a more productive idea to hand it, the papers and lighters to him and tell him you won't have them in the house.

I believe he’s too young to be sexually active.

He is physically capable of being sexually active at 13. He's got a condom.

You can believe what you want but, realistically, a lot of 13 year olds are sexually active.

The empty tobacco packets and papers suggests it’s weed he’s smoking and not just fags, unfortunately.

Your belief is misplaced, and you have the evidence to prove it.

That’s what I feel sick about because he’s no where near emotionally mature enough, but then part of me feels like he could be doing it for a reaction because the rest was just rubbish then 1 random condom, i don’t know it feels he wants me to confront him or something

OP, what would his father say about this? Would he think it was OK? I think the only thing you can do is talk to your son, and find out just what is going on.

Dosent really matter what you beleive. If he is then he is. At least if he is then he is being responsible.
It may well be that he was given it at school as part of PSHE or whole out in town by a group doing awareness or something. I wouldnt be just throwing it away.
The tobacco and papers is different, I would be more concerned that he is smoking weed rather than just tobacco though.
You need to have a conversation with him though. You have to find a way to communicate with him.

Putting the condom in the bin won’t stop that

I z don’t have any contact with his dad after he was abusive towards me over text after we split and said “he always wins” in response to DS choosing “his side”. But he probably wouldn't really be interested, when we were together he rarely punished them it was always someone else’s fault for the way they behaved and he never had then take any accountability for their actions which was also a reason we split as I was living with a misogynistic grown man and a misogynistic late teens that weren't mine.

Good God what a mess. I don’t blame you for being abused but I believe you should have stepped up more for your DS when you finally left his dad and demanded you be the resident parent. You knew how abusive he was so must have realised that toxic masculinity would rub off on your DS eventually, which it seems to have done…

Condoms at 13, really shocking. My DS is 16 and nowhere near ready, can barely speak to a girl without dying inside!

At least he’s making sure he won’t be fathering an unwanted child. It’s messy but the whole situation is messy. 🤷‍♀️

You're still his mum. Have that conversation with him. It might be that he really wants some boundaries, but obviously can't ask explicitly.

Weed-smoking is very bad for adolescent brains. If he IS smoking weed, you need to address it.

He’s not in school would be my main focus actually. Are you in touch with any outside agencies as I assume you have parental responsibility alongside his father. The fact that he is currently without education, sexually active and one might presume dabbling with drugs, id want to get social services involved.

To be honest, given the current state of the relationship you have with your son and his dad, there's very little that you can do in this situation that will make any difference.

The person who might be able to influence your son is his older step brother. Whether it is wise to ask/expect him to speak to your son on your behalf is another issue.

Seems to me that you have a very delicate situation and very few realistic options.

Personally I would speak to my son directly, although I imagine that he may choose to stop seeing you as a result.

Not nowadays, fags are so expensive kids are more likely to be smoking rollies. Most of the young people I know that smoke (not as many as when I was young!) smoke rollies over cigarettes.

Or talk to the boy's father where the boy lives??

Edited to say: I now see you don't have contact with the father

Yes it is strange,

I also disagree with a lot of the responses. I have a 13-year-old DD and would be devastated if she was taking drugs and having sex. 13 is so young, and I think it's wrong that many are acting like 'cool parents' by saying, at least he's having safe sex. Most 13-year-olds are not having sex or taking drugs, so you have a right to be concerned.

However, it sounds like you have lost him to his dad, that's the problem,, isn't it when you stay with an abusive man for so long. They can turn your children against you.

I think it could be a test, maybe his dad's involved in it too. Were they the only things in the drawer? It's just an odd combination of things that may be intentionally there to alarm you.

Was the condom (apparently) used? If still in packaging, there are loads of other explanations besides that he's sexually active. It could be something received as part of a health lesson at school, a free "sample" or something he picked up from a place where they are left for customers in need to take, something he bought from a machine out of curiosity, a prop to impress his friends, or something he's told himself he needs "just in case".

Of course you're correct that 13 is usually much too young to be having sex; there's also a real possibility he is being exploited and it's probably hard for you to read the signs of that. There's also a natural parental concern to make sure he understands the implications and that he is behaving responsibly once he does start having sex. But if he IS sexually active, then under the current circumstances I doubt that your direct intervention would be persuasive. Would you be talking with him about sex in general if you hadn't found it? If so, I'd just go with that. At least let him know that if he wants to talk about anything or needs any kind of help, he can come to you and be honest without fear of punishment.

Social services aren't likely to get involved. If the dad has registered him as home educated that's not a reason for social services to be involved and possibly smoking weed/possessing a condom won't meet the threshold either.

I couldn't force ds to come here, the only house I could get was quite far from where I was previously with his dad and he was in year 5 about to be year 6 so didn't want to move schools so he'd come here EOW and more in holidays but he was always rude and never wanted to do anything, he refused what I cooked him even after I asked what he wanted and he’d just eat crisps and things like that and I was sick of his comments so I did pull away a bit and stopped “making” him come

I do have PR so it's unlikely ex has taken hum off the school roll as he'd surely need my consent too but he's stopped sending him.

It does feel a test as the rest was rubbish apart from the 1 condom and those were the only things apart from about 3 5 pence coins

Hold on, you can’t just jump to the conclusion of drug use.

Many tobacco smokers just roll their own because it’s far cheaper!

A 13 year old is bound to be more price conscious!

Unless you have found grass or a block of cannabis you can’t make wild assumptions.

And so what if he has a condom, he might carry it around for 6 years and never use it. Better to have one when the opportunity to use it arises than not to have it! I’d say not having a condom on him when an opportunity occurs is not very likely to prevent anything unsafe happening.

Social Services need involving about his education though imho.

Would people be so complacent about the condom if the 13 year old was a girl? OP is correct that he is too young to be sexually active and I’m a bit surprised at the blasé “well at least he’s being safe” comments and telling OP the bigger concern is missing school and using weed. All serious issues but personally, of all the problems at hand, I would be most concerned about the condom and bloodied tissues if he was my 13 year old.

OP: I appreciate you do not have the best relationship with your son. Could you contact your council’s Children Services team for advice?