What I found in DS13 room - how to deal with?

[VelvetVanguard]

I don't know if the right thing to do is. I got with my sons dad at 20. his dad was older and had 3 older boys already when we got together.
I got pregnant quickly and had DS just before I turned 22.

I was naive but over the years he was emotionally abusive, misogynistic etc. I split when DS was about 10 and he stayed living with dad as ex somewhat bullied me into it and I imagine he did with his ex. He's turned ds against me fully

DS changed and was also abusive towards me emotionally and also would sound so much like his dad in the things he'd say. I stopped seeing him when he was 12, not a big dramatic thing I just stopped enforcing he cone here every other weekend as he didn't want to anyway and it was miserable for us both. I did message him but he ended up blocking me. I'm also still in contact with his 3rd son, he's the only one who seems to have escaped his dads attitude somehow considering his brothers haven't. He's 18 now, my son is almost 14 at the end of the month.

I hear a lot about DS from him, they seem to be close but he told me his dad has taken him our of school because he was getting into trouble constantly and his dad said the school were bullying him which I doubt. He probably just couldn't be bothered to engage with school. He's doing work online using free resources which is only because the brother makes him do it which at 18 isn't his job to parent his younger brother as he also goes to college but I am grateful for this. I haven't reported it and I don't know is SS would be interested and I worry for his son then.

I started seeing DS again recently, he's quite hostile still and rude but hopefully we are fixing our relationship. He stayed over 3 nights last weekend Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. He spent most his time on his PS that I bought him but did do out on his own a few times. He didn't want to do anything with me

He left some clothes here so earlier I went to our some socks into his drawer and I just found empty empty packets of tobacco, lighters, filter papers a random tissue with blood on it, and a condom. Ive spoken to him about vaping as I thought that was the “in thing” for teens rather than smoking but oh God I don't know how to handle this. In tempted to just throw it in the bin but he'd know I have as it wasn't hidden maybe it was a test of sorts but I don't know what he’d be trying to achieve

Ordinarily I would have a very stern chat but given our relationship I don't know

Lots of children are at that age, all you can do is make sure hes being safe

13 is way, way too young to be having sex. Hopefully that's not actually the case here.
I agree with a couple of other posters, I'm surprised how blasé some are being about this.

We all believe that but it doesn't mean it's not happening, or won't happen soon. Surely it's better he has access to condoms than doesn't? In my experience boys of that age are fascinated by them and like to have them around and make it known they have them, even if they are unlikely to have any need of them for quite some time. Don't make a fuss about the condom. You've just got him back in your life. Pick your battles if you want him to stick around.

Look, nobody would be happy that their 13 year old is sexually active. But the way to deal with that as a parent is through the good relationship you hopefully have with your child and through setting loving boundaries. OP can't do either of those things. He doesn't live with her and they have a poor relationship. If she tries coming down hard it will backfire, so the best thing is to gently raise it with him but she's going to have to accept she might not be able to do anything about it.

Not blasé - realistic.

If this boy is having sex, it's better that he uses a condom.

He sounds an uncaring and cruel lad the way he treats you..

Anyone with a brain smokes follies with filters though. Papers no filter indicates weed to me.

He’s quite young

At 13 he is not going to be able to fill out a condom anyway if you know what I mean. It could just be boys using them as balloons and as lark. Is there anyone that can talk to him? An uncle or cousin or trusted male family member?

It’s one condom. My thoughts are one of his older brothers might have given one to him. So I would also pick your battles. The tobacco is the thing I would want to gently tackle and not getting schooling. At least he has siblings for company.

Your son has far bigger problems than smoking or condoms.

If it were a girl, that would be very surprising and I’d be a lot more concenee. Boys carry them for lots of different reasons, not just because they are sexually active. I remember boys blowing them up for fun a bit like a balloon when I was young. It wouldn’t be the same for a girl, she wouldn’t just randomly carry condoms.

I work with 13 and 14 year olds, so many of them ARE having sex and taking drugs. It’s frightening how normalised it is at that age group but it’s become desensitised to them and is very common. I work with one 14 year old who has “retired from hard drugs”, she would give a uni student a run for their money with her experiences.

Whether you believe it or not, it’s happening. It’s not ‘being the cool parent’ by advocating for safe sex but it’s being realistic and sensible! This age group ARE engaging with this behaviour and by binning condoms and ignoring it all you’re doing is increasing the risks of STIs or pregnancies. Harm reduction is a far better approach than blind ignorance.

Your child may not engage in this behaviour but it’s not uncommon. The young people that do need support and understanding, not an adult making it about them and being ‘devastated’.

@VelvetVanguard A person's temperament, and many of their behaviours, are genetically inherited. An abusive man will have sons that are predisposed towards being abusive.

@sunsu she would give a uni student a run for their money with her experiences.

The overwhelming majority of uni students don't touch drugs. Only the weird ones do.

You think only 'weird' young people use drugs? Don't be silly. Apparently according to google 18% of uni students report using drugs in a typical year. It's a minority by all means but not a tiny one.

In what world does it become acceptable that ‘many’ 13 year olds are sexually active.

Of course some will be but thats both illegal and morally wrong. They are young children

Not everyone who smokes roll ups are using weed!
A majority of smokers I know smoke tobacco and papers, and if he’s using filters then it’s not weed he’s smoking

It doesn't seem normal behaviour to have any of what I listed and I was a teen, no one was sexually active in my friendship group at 13 some we're at 15 but not 13, 13 is still a young teen. Then it's who if it's a girl his age or worse older

Wouldn't the normal reaction be to have a quiet and calm chat with him and ask him about what you found?

As others have said, rolling tobacco is cheaper. On the condom front I can remember when I was at school lots of lads started carrying one at around about that age (often once we had has sex ed classes and they had found out where gives them away for free!) in the naïve hope that it improved their chances of actually getting some sex. It may be as innocent as that.

ah yes, we live in a perfect world in which teens listen to their parents and don’t have sex.

but they do. And taking away the condom(s) will lead to unsafe sex, rather than no sex. Do you want your teen boy to have an STI/ get a girl pregnant, or to at the very least have safe sex?

“Realistically” and “acceptable” are different words with different meanings. I did not say the latter.

Do go ahead and ignore that things happen even if they are illegal or immoral though. I’m sure that will end well for you.

13 is very young but you can't put the genie back in the bottle and confronting him about anything is not going to get you anywhere. If you want to talk to him then you have to go in gently and come from a place of concern. Anger and blame are going to get you nowhere.

You're making an awful lot of assumptions and jumping to all the worst conclusions. If he's using condoms that's just sensible, it's just as likely though that he's carrying it around just hoping he'll get to use it. He might well be smoking - does his dad smoke? It doesn't mean he's definitely smoking weed. He might be, but getting angry isn't going to stop him, nor is throwing his stuff out, It will just cause anger and resentment.

If you're going to bring it up then just go in gently.

Are they? 13 year old children?
I find this very difficult to believe and extremely grim if true.
I would also be concerned about possible rape allegations if he is sexually active.

Well this is your perfect opportunity to start parenting him.

It’s worked out fine, thanks. I know that my kids weren’t having sex at 13 and I don’t think it occurred to them to have sex at that young age. They are young adults and late teens now.

Of course by 13 they’d had sex ed and we had very open conversations but they also knew and understood that 13 was too young and we made sure that the influences around them had the same values.

I am not saying it doesn’t happen but what I am saying is that there is something very wrong with a society that accepts that it’s something that ‘many’ 13 year olds will do.