What I found in DS13 room - how to deal with?

[VelvetVanguard]

I don't know if the right thing to do is. I got with my sons dad at 20. his dad was older and had 3 older boys already when we got together.
I got pregnant quickly and had DS just before I turned 22.

I was naive but over the years he was emotionally abusive, misogynistic etc. I split when DS was about 10 and he stayed living with dad as ex somewhat bullied me into it and I imagine he did with his ex. He's turned ds against me fully

DS changed and was also abusive towards me emotionally and also would sound so much like his dad in the things he'd say. I stopped seeing him when he was 12, not a big dramatic thing I just stopped enforcing he cone here every other weekend as he didn't want to anyway and it was miserable for us both. I did message him but he ended up blocking me. I'm also still in contact with his 3rd son, he's the only one who seems to have escaped his dads attitude somehow considering his brothers haven't. He's 18 now, my son is almost 14 at the end of the month.

I hear a lot about DS from him, they seem to be close but he told me his dad has taken him our of school because he was getting into trouble constantly and his dad said the school were bullying him which I doubt. He probably just couldn't be bothered to engage with school. He's doing work online using free resources which is only because the brother makes him do it which at 18 isn't his job to parent his younger brother as he also goes to college but I am grateful for this. I haven't reported it and I don't know is SS would be interested and I worry for his son then.

I started seeing DS again recently, he's quite hostile still and rude but hopefully we are fixing our relationship. He stayed over 3 nights last weekend Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. He spent most his time on his PS that I bought him but did do out on his own a few times. He didn't want to do anything with me

He left some clothes here so earlier I went to our some socks into his drawer and I just found empty empty packets of tobacco, lighters, filter papers a random tissue with blood on it, and a condom. Ive spoken to him about vaping as I thought that was the “in thing” for teens rather than smoking but oh God I don't know how to handle this. In tempted to just throw it in the bin but he'd know I have as it wasn't hidden maybe it was a test of sorts but I don't know what he’d be trying to achieve

Ordinarily I would have a very stern chat but given our relationship I don't know

3 5p pieces.

A bloody tissue.

A condom.

God that’s sad.

OP, does your 13yo son know you love him? Does he know you’ll never abandon him, that you will prioritise his needs, that you want the absolute best for him?

13 year olds have had sex since the dawn of time. The age of consent is a very modern construct. Do we want them to? Of course not. But disbelieving it is just wilfully ignorant.

Bottom line is, OP’s DS should be discouraged from engaging in sexual activity. But consensus on here seems to be that he just needs praise for having safe sex and OP should not even question who he might be having sex with. For all she knows he is being groomed by an adult. But never mind, she just needs to accept “lots of 13 year olds have sex” so no need to stress. FML.

@VelvetVanguard can you talk to your son and say you are sorry that when you and his dad split that you didn’t take him with you.
let him know you love him very much and he’s had a lot to deal with and you would like to support him in feeling better about life .
Then suggest some counseling .

Id be concerned about the blood stain on a Tissue . Is this heavier drug use possibly .

Not wilfully at all, just ignorant maybe to think kids are having sex at 13.

I would still be worried about potential rape allegations though. The age of criminal responsibility is ten in this country. If indeed that is where OP lives and the son is engaging in sexual intercourse.

Very well said.
He could be being groomed.

This could be a good opportunity for you to bond.

It sounds like he’s smoking weed, not ideal for sure but hopefully it’s just an occasional, recreational thing? All the boys I grew up with smoked weed, they’ve turned out to be normal, professional people.

Sexually active so young, again, not ideal, but thank goodness he’s carrying condoms. If I were you, I’d buy more.

Maybe try and talk to him about what you found in an open-minded, non-judgemental way? At the end of the day you can’t stop him doing any of it, teens will do what they will do, especially when he doesn’t live with you.

Blimey, it would be worse if it was a younger girl!!!

I don’t think anyone is suggesting a 13 year old being sexually active is a good thing. It obviously isn’t something that anyone would encourage. However, the reality is that some 13 year old are having sex (and not because they are being groomed), and that being the case, it is better if they are using condoms. Whether or not we believe that they should be having sex at that age is largely irrelevant when it comes to the fact that some of them are.

Making it harder to access condoms or confiscating them will not necessarily stop them having sex- almost certainly won’t- but it will make it riskier. It’s also hard to prevent them having sex if that’s what they are determined to do, as you cannot police a 13 year old 100% of the time.

Clearly, if you have evidence of a young person below the age of consent having sexual with an older person, or being groomed in any way, then that should be reported to the appropriate authorities.

in an ideal world, a parent who discovers their 13 year old is having sex would sit them down and have a frank discussion with them about why it’s not a great idea. Hopefully, if you have a good relationship and handle it well, you can persuade them to change course. It probably won’t be easy, as once the genie is out the bottle it’s a lot harder to put it back in, but of course it’s what a responsible parent would do.

Unfortunately, op does not have a solid relationship with her DS due to the circumstances she has outlined, which means she has to tread a bit more carefully. If she comes down too heavy handed on this, she is not likely to get anywhere. As she has no contact with his father, she cannot discuss her concerns with him, or work with him to address the situation. OP’s hands are a bit tied- given this situation it is probably better that she doesn’t try to enforce anything. She could approach it with him by saying she found these things, and is a bit worried about and see what he says. That’s not the same as saying it’s absolutely great that a 13 year old might be having sex, it’s recognising that in a less than ideal scenario sometimes you have to accept the lesser of 2 evils- in this case, if OP’s son is indeed sexually active, it is far better that he is using protection than not.