AIBU to feel upset partner expects me to buy my own Mother’s Day gift?

[ThatSharpLion]

I have been with my partner for 20 years, never married but have 4 dcs, youngest is 6 months. It was my birthday around Valentine’s Day and I didn’t even get a card from him for either day which I thought it’s fine he’s been busy with decorating and work. Well now it’s Mother’s Day and he said to go and get my own Mother’s Day gifts as well as his mums! I feel pretty upset that he can’t even take the kids out to buy me a card, and now expects me to go and buy his mum and myself gifts.

recently I haven been feeling pretty down about his lack of interest in my life, so I could say I feel ill and he’ll just ignore me, never asks how my days been and feel like he treats me as the hired help rather then his partner so thinking am I letting the resentment cloud my judgement?

for context he works 12 hour shifts 4 days a week and has 4 days off. He does clean and tidy sometimes when he’s off but I do everything else indoors and looking after the children

It was my birthday around Valentine’s Day and I didn’t even get a card from him for either day which I thought it’s fine he’s been busy with decorating and work.

It’s not fine. It’s rubbish. Tell him to buck his ideas up, you’re not getting your own gift never mind his mums. He’s got today to make a bit of effort doing something nice for you with the children. He’s acting like a selfish prick because he can. Stop putting up with it!

He couldn't even be bothered buying you a birthday card so him making an effort for Mother's Day was always unlikely.

He sounds like a fairly shit partner in general though and is hardly going to change after all these years.

Stop making excuses for him and tell him to sort out his own mother. Other than that I guess you either live with it or leave.

He is fucking horrible. He doesn't get you a birthday card, a birthday present, a Mother's Day card or a Mother's Day present and expects you to buy his mum a Mother's Day present? Whatever you do,don't buy his mum anything for Mother's Day.

Is this a marriage that you want to stay in?

I’m sorry but if he doesn’t even get you a card for your birthday I’m not sure why you would expect a Mother’s Day gift from him!
You’ve spent 20 years with a dud.

Yep he thinks you are his domestic appliance

And you might effectively be if you aren’t independently financially secure because you aren’t married.

From his point of view he has it easy. Someone to do all his chores and no real financial risk. He doesn’t have to care.

I suspect this is not the first time he has forgotten your birthday or asked you to buy your own card for tomorrow. What do you want out of this relationship?

Was this the first year he didn’t acknowledge any of these special days for you or has he always been an uncaring, lazy excuse for a partner? Did you speak to him about it at the time or just accept he doesn’t think you are important? Do you make an effort for his birthday or Valentine’s Day?
I know it’s not considered helpful on here to ask why a woman stays with and has ever more kids with an unpleasant/lazy/financially abusive etc man because you are where you are but I often think it….. why is your self esteem so low that you are willing to accept this treatment?
Tel him to take his lazy arse out to buy his own mother some flowers and help the kids choose something for you, modelling this behaviour to them until they are old enough to do it themselves. I know you are not his mother but he should be acknowledging the huge amount you do to keep your family unit going in the years whilst you are in the trenches with little kids.

He doesn’t even need to leave the house to buy gifts and cards, has he not heard of Amazon or other means of online deliveries. I’d match his energy and ignore his birthday etc.

Hmm. Our DC are grown up. When they were little he supervised card/gift buying, with reminders.

Valentines: we agreed early on he coukd give me a tenner (now twenty), and I'd buy flowers a day later, when they were reduced.

Birthdays: I get a card and a cheque.

Christmas: Perfume and a cheque

I'm happy with it.

Can we drop all this mothers day nonsense.

Every year, mum's are sad, mad, angry for a variety of reasons.
Hallmark card days get in the bin.

Tell him how upset you are that he can't be bothered to get anything for the mother of his four children and he can sort his own mother's gift out

Well OP, you definitely know what to do on Father's Day.......tell him to go and buy his own too!
He's a selfish twat.

Why stop a lovely day for many because some women have shit partners or kids?
Should we cancel birthdays too?

I hope you don't buy him cards or gifts for birthday, Xmas, fathers day etc. if you do, then stop doing it.

A cheque from your own husband or a tenner in a card sounds so miserable!
Why all the cheques, did you not have access to your own money?

This. What an arse.

I would very clearly tell him I won’t be doing his shopping for him for his mum.

Please don’t tell us you have gone part time/given up work to look after his kids?

The solution is easy and obvious, do it back to him.
Don't get him any cards. When he askes you to get his mum presents/cards smile and nod but don't actually do it. If he complains then you shrug and change the subject.
Stop being his slave. Treat him exactly as he treats you but with extra neglect added in to make up for all the times you've been nice when he hasn't.

Get his bank card from him and tell him you’re going to do as he asked and get yourself and his mother’s gifts.

Take your passport, collect his Mum and book on the next flight to a sunny destination. FaceTime from said sunny destination and let his mum give him the bollocking of his life when she hears he didn’t even get you a birthday card. Prick. If he ever dares to treat you that way again, leave!

What a funny thing to say. I guess it depends on the size of the cheque and I'd rather chose my own gift.

Of course I have my own money but the cheque is from his account. It would be daft if he gave me a cheque from mine!

If you were the hired help you’d get paid. You are the free housekeeper , nanny and bang maid.

Please don’t have another baby with him and think really really hard about what he adds to your life. if the answer is “ he’s a great dad” then he would continue to be a great dad and have the kids 50:50 of you split up, right ?

Exactly! What about all the mum’s who always have a lovely day? Aren’t they allowed to enjoy the day because others don’t? Ridiculous suggestion.

Not for me. And my DM died when i was in my 20s.

If my DH expected me to sort his DM”s mother’s day gifts there would be hell to pay in this house.

Mothering Sunday is an historic event, not a hallmark day. The kind of bloke who OP is saddled with is probably useless most of the time. It just appears more clearly on special days.

Now that's a GREAT idea!

Cards with REAL mums, not sickly sweet clichés, flowers, cupcakes and handbags (ffs who designs the shitty things?).

I'd buy one!

I have no tolerance for joy sucker's like this life is to short.

Oh yeah, OP yanbu, he sounds like a prize twat