AIBU to feel upset partner expects me to buy my own Mother’s Day gift?

[ThatSharpLion]

I have been with my partner for 20 years, never married but have 4 dcs, youngest is 6 months. It was my birthday around Valentine’s Day and I didn’t even get a card from him for either day which I thought it’s fine he’s been busy with decorating and work. Well now it’s Mother’s Day and he said to go and get my own Mother’s Day gifts as well as his mums! I feel pretty upset that he can’t even take the kids out to buy me a card, and now expects me to go and buy his mum and myself gifts.

recently I haven been feeling pretty down about his lack of interest in my life, so I could say I feel ill and he’ll just ignore me, never asks how my days been and feel like he treats me as the hired help rather then his partner so thinking am I letting the resentment cloud my judgement?

for context he works 12 hour shifts 4 days a week and has 4 days off. He does clean and tidy sometimes when he’s off but I do everything else indoors and looking after the children

Has he always been this way? Like you're together 20 years... has he never got you a birthday card? You have 4 kids, has he ignored every other mothers day so far?

Normally these holidays dont bother me but your birthday and just the lack of respect towards you is awful. You deserve better. Have you sat down and told him how you feel?

Agree but I def think these holidays show a lot of partners/dh's for what they are, in the way they expect someone else to buy and pick the gifts for their own parents, yet dont treat their own spouse or partner at all.

Honestly OP, you're better than this, you deserve better than this.

Why is the bar so low? My mam taught all of us girls to know our worth & how we expected people to treat us. If you didn't have this crucial guidance, that's been hard, but you can decide NOW to raise your bar. You deserve to be happy.

I would buy myself a gift with his money but tell him to sort his own mum out. Why should you do it?
The gift I'd get myself would be a spa day on his next day off so he can look after the children. If he doesn't like it, well tough, he should have brought you something.
I am serious about this.
Long term do you want to stay with a man who can't even be bothered to buy you a card? The fact he hasn't bothered to buy his mum anything suggests he has absolutely no respect for women. Just because you've been together for a long time doesn't mean you have to stay with someone who's so horrible. You deserve better.

I hope you didn't, and never have, bought the gifts for HIS mother. As others have asked, is this normal behaviour from him?

Is this a marriage that you want to stay in?

@thepariscrimefiles, the OP is not married. (First line of her post!)

It’s a poor show, @ThatSharpLion - particularly when you’re caring for your tiny baby. As well as three other shared offspring. Was having four children a joint decision? It sounds to me as if your partner is tired of family life.

Do you have plans to return to work? You may need to if the relationship doesn’t survive.

Hey all

thanks for your responses it means a lot to feel validated in how I’m feeling.

to answer a few questions he hasn’t always not bothered, just been like this for a little over a year. I dont have much confidence and whenever I try and talk to him he get offended and tries to make me feel like the bad guy. This was why I posted so I can have the conversation and know that it’s ok to feel like I do and I’m not being emotional or selfish no matter what he’s says.

I do work, on mat leave at the minute, and I am trying to get more financially independent so I have options going forward.

I haven’t bought anything for his mother or myself and plan on telling the entire group of football mums tomorrow when they ask what he bought me, he can’t hide from an angry group of mums! And going forward he can forget his birthday and Father’s Day, I won’t be buying for him.

thank you

Even after my mum and dad divorced he would still take us to get gifts and cards for birthdays and Mother’s Day/Christmas for mum. And he was not the most thoughtful man!

Why didn't you tell him it wasn't ok in February when he ignored your birthday? It sounds like he checked out of the relationship a year ago so its up to you if you think its worth continuing

Genuine question, why do so many women put up with this crap?!

He can get his own mother's gifts
You're not his gofer.

He sees you as his servant and treats you disrespectfully. What do you think you should do about that?

This.

It's fathers day in June and he must have a birthday? Oh, and Christmas. Lazy selfish man. Get out now.

Seriously?

Why are you still with this waste of skin?

You do not feature as anyone important in his world view at all.

Do take his card and buy yourself multiple expensive presents from his account. Buy his mum a bunch of flowers. Then head out for the night with a few friends. He is babysitting!

He's getting the wife treatment whilst never having had the decency to make you his wife. I don't know why people put up with this.
This can't be new behaviour and you've had child after child with this 'man'

You deserve better but can't understand why you've given 20 years of your life to him tbh

I really hope you didn’t do what he told you to do and buy his mum anything!! That just made my body turn inside out….yuk yuk and yuk. What a lovey “man” you have. I really hope you told him to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine! Where do women find these boys

This is not a Hallmark day. Mothering Sunday goes back to the 16th century. A day when people are grateful for mothers and women they consider to be special. So what if people buy cards? It’s about taking time to think and show they are grateful for everything a Mother does. It may be kind gestures, kind words, but a time to make someone feel cared for.

It's shit. I wouldn't get him mum anything either she can be as disappointed in him as he deserves. Children like to give and he is depriving them of the pleasure to do ao he is also modelling to them that you dont deserve recognition care or noce things. I would tell him he does better or fucks off. I'm so glad im single at 47 id rather have a dog then these crappy lazy men. Go spoil the crap out of yourself on hos dime

And yet you have been with him for 20 years AND had 4 children...... why??

Take his bank card and buy yourself, and his mum, some items that are extremely expensive.

Im being 100% serious. Buy yourself something fory your birthday too.

Obviously your issues seem to run deeper than this, but he's doing it partly because there is no consequence.

It's not babysitting when it's his kids, it's parenting.

I genuinely would have a big think about what you're getting out of this relationship as he's showing you he doesn't care about making any day special to you special. Not even a card and some cash for your birthday? Really? That would be the end for me. Then expecting you to buy yourself and his mum something for mother's day? Fuck right off there. Lazy entitled horrible man.

I hope you get your financial independence and are able to step away from him and find some happiness. The fact he's turning it back on you when you bring it up is emotionally manipulative. He's clearly not bothered about how you feel and EVERYONE knows that not receiving anything from a partner on your birthday is hurtful. With that in mind stop doing the nice things for him. You're not his skivvy ...... His birthday goes unnoticed now as does father's day and you don't buy anything for his family he can sort them out and if they question it tell them you stopped buying the gifts on his behalf.

I wish you all the best because honestly you deserve more than this.

Yes please.
Birthdays are also commercialised beyond belief.