Is it normal for a male to always be addressed in email correspondence? 😡

[PeppyAmberHedgehog]

Edit: title was meant to say 'always addressed first'

This is annoying me for various historical reasons, but to add insult to injury, this man-child family member is always addressed first in joint business and legal letters. He is second born, second alphabetically. Really? In 2026?

Who’s paid for it is irrelevant it’s the name on the account they deal with
that’s standard

I complained to NatWest when they addressed joint mortgage letters to my husband only (when you opened them they were to both of us, but his name first) it just didn’t make logical sense, I was the higher earner, the main applicant that coordinated the mortgage, it should have had both names but if it was one it should have been me. It irked me. I complained and got like £50 compensation or something.

Hopefully the system has changed now so the letters aren’t addressed to just one person on a joint mortgage.

This has annoyed me too throughout my life! Can’t believe it’s still so prevalent!

I wrote to complain to the Woolwich back in the day as they addressed a letter re our joint mortgage to DH only. Also he was away and it was something fairly urgent. It was a few years ago but still I expected better in the 2000s.

I paid for the car my husband drives. He still gets the parking, bus lane, and speeding tickets addressed to him.

But why did you need your brother 'for support?' That does suggest that you're not capable of doing it yourself. That would be my instant thought if a woman was anywhere, doing anything, and she needed a man with her 'for support.'

It annoys me too. I think many IT systems default to man first, woman second when it comes to basic applications, automatic letter addressing, and government documents.

That plus the assumption I changed my name to my husband’s annoys me to no end.

When this happened to me with NatWest it was 2019!

Wow, how sexist is THAT? Sending the penalty tickets to him? Assuming only a MAN would break the (driving) laws?

When this happens (and it does often) it absolutely boils my piss! I once bought a car. My money, car registered in my name, paperwork filled out by me. My husband came with me to buy it. The warranty details arrived all addressed to my husband. It’s infuriating!

Because my husband had just died, it was moral support. The retailer didn't know that. I'd ordered something in my name.

No one should 'assume' anything.

Irrelevant that it happened to be a male with me, he had called in that day. It could have just as likely been my sister or friend, but I needed to go and yes it was a big purchase so I preferred someone with me to ensure I was doing thing right, as wasn't thinking straight.

Are you happy now?

Why would you assume of a woman had a man with her that she is incapable? That's just bizarre.

Because his name is on the V5

If it's addressed to your DH AND you, then why is it him paying that one?

YOU are on it too...

Also, you're married, you're a couple, all money is joint anyway.

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I think the problem comes from the convention of women changing their surname to that of their husbands, on marriage. Fortunately, from my point of view, many women are now choosing not to do that. Perhaps you didn’t do that, but if you did then you would be Mrs [husband first name] husband’s surname. Miss Deirdre Smith becomes Mrs Edward Jones.

Your first name then goes between the Mrs and the husband surname on divorce or widowhood. Mrs Edward Jones becomes Mrs Deirdre Jones. Alternatively Deirdre Jones can then revert to being Deirdre Smith.

So, that’s the convention, which you’ve partially followed if you’ve adopted your husband‘s last name. Perhaps from now on, women who don’t want their husband’s first name, won’t take his last name.

Personally, I find it absolutely infuriating to have to use any form of title at all. Unfortunately, computers are set up to require one before they let you proceed so I just give in. Actually, I think it’s the computer programming that is causing the problems and nobody is going to be able to override that.

https://debretts.com/forms-of-address-after-divorce/

I am neither 'happy' nor 'unhappy.' Why would your experiences have an effect on me? I am just saying (as another poster said) it was understandable that the retailer may have thought you needed help from from a man if you had a man with you.

It's not that much of a reach if a woman has come along with a man, 'for support' for someone to think she may be struggling to do something on her own... (and you did say this is the reason you brought your brother along - for support - so it's not unreasonable that some posters may think you needed him to help you!)

That is utterly bizarre. I have never bought ANYthing in my own name, and had all the paperwork and everything addressed to my husband and sent to my husband. Why did it go to your husband? His name wouldn't have been on anything if YOU bought it. I can't understand this at all. Never happened to me or anyone I know. I know plenty of women who have things in their name (accounts and the like, and their car,) and it's just in their name. If your husband's name isn't mentioned on anything when purchasing, how and why are they addressing it to him only?

That is utterly bizarre. I have never bought ANYthing in my own name, and had all the paperwork and everything addressed to my husband and sent to my husband. Why did it go to your husband? His name wouldn't have been on anything if YOU bought it. I can't understand this at all. Never happened to me or anyone I know. I know plenty of women who have things in their name (accounts and the like, and their car,) and it's just in their name. If your husband's name isn't mentioned on anything when purchasing, how and why are they addressing it to him only?

That is utterly bizarre. I have never bought ANYthing in my own name, and had all the paperwork and everything addressed to my husband and sent to my husband. Why did it go to your husband? His name wouldn't have been on anything if YOU bought it. I can't understand this at all. Never happened to me or anyone I know. I know plenty of women who have things in their name (accounts and the like, and their car,) and it's just in their name. If your husband's name isn't mentioned on anything when purchasing, how and why are they addressing it to him only?

That is utterly bizarre. I have never bought ANYthing in my own name, and had all the paperwork and everything addressed to my husband and sent to my husband. Why did it go to your husband? His name wouldn't have been on anything if YOU bought it. I can't understand this at all. Never happened to me or anyone I know. I know plenty of women who have things in their name (accounts and the like, and their car,) and it's just in their name. If your husband's name isn't mentioned on anything when purchasing, how and why are they addressing it to him only?

Fuxake I have NO idea why that posted multiple times!

If I'm the purchaser though I do expect the person dealing with me to have eye contact and not ignore me completely.

I'd never come across this before, that's why I remember it.

Whenever I bought anything with DH prior to this, I don't recall any time when the retailer (or whoever) didn't address BOTH of us, and maintain eye context with us both. Irrespective of whose name it was in, always been treated with respect.

Which is why I particularly remember this one incident of being the named customer and being completely ignored.

It's just rude to completely ignore someone sat in front of you.

Well that’s exactly what Nationwide did for us, 20 years ago - I was the lead applicant because of my higher salary, so I appear first on all the paperwork, including Land Registry.

In a similar vein - I work in a role where there are often family members and we have to choose who to contact. I'm always conflicted about whether to pick the man or the woman because their function is an unpaid responsibility and I'm aware that women already do too much unpaid labour but my experience shows women get shit done.

I had my bank account many years before I met my husband. When we got married we wanted to use my account as our joint account. They put my husband’s name first even though it was just initials and surname on the account name. My initials came first alphabetically.
Years ago, a relation of mine was paying a deposit for a holiday. The travel agent made the receipt out to her husband. The cheque was on the counter. My relation picked up the cheque, ripped it up and said that if her money wasn’t any good for them, she would book her holiday elsewhere.

Really can't be bothered with this myself, but I can understand why some might get annoyed.
Our household bills are all in my name but I'm adding h to them in case I shuffle off before him they still have me named down first though.