AIBU to suspect partner was messaging someone while in bed with baby?

[Bluebellpoppy1]

Our 9 month baby has been awake for a few hours so I have been up too. Partner has been sleeping. I shortly went back to bed with baby so he could say hi before starting work. Partner works from home and is always in lots of meetings all day so we dont see him much despite him being upstairs.

Baby started crawling over him and he titled phone away so I couldn't see. I then said to baby oh come here daddy is trying to work. He said "what" i repeated it and he said "yes". He then titled his phone back and I noticed the background was white and he closed the app.

I know from expiernce and from when he has checked his phone that ms teams is black background and so are his emails.

Maybe im feeling a bit hormonal as we havent had sex in a while due to baby who wont sleep. But my thought is he was messaging someone. A woman. What do you think? I wonder if I should ask.

Thank u

I wouldn't ask OP, it's highly unlikely he is going to crumble and admit anything, most people capable of behaviour like that will lie and gaslight. If you suspect something I'd be on guard and observing any other changes in behaviour

Is this a subject you have dealt with previously in your relationship or is this thought about him completely out of character.

if it’s the latter it sounds like it could just be hormones, tiredness, general life of a new parent causing silly voices in your head.

Based on what you have written here alone, I think that is quite a leap to assume he is messaging a woman. Has he given you any other reason to suspect him?

It literally could be anything or anyone
quite often I’ll grab my phone first thing have a look at who’s messaged

That does sound a bit suspicious to be honest. Has he any history of infidelity? He may have been looking at porn or at worst messaging another woman (or maybe nothing at all) but he clearly didn't want you to see what it was. This is maybe not the best approach but I personally wouldn't ask as he could just deny it. I would be on alert mode and try and have a snoop on his phone at some point. No recommending this approach as probably healthy but that's what I would do.....

He literally doesn't leave the house, honestly. He has been working late on his laptop a few nights but he recently started a new job and is now managing people. He has cancelled a few socialising events so he cant get stuff in house done. Im saying that to show he literally doesnt leave. He has been doing lots of housework so I can get to bed early.

No it wasnt porn it looked like an app. Any messaging app, I couldn't see which or who. But I k ow it wasnt work

So your husband was looking at a white screen on his phone, and tilted it away from you? Is that it?

If my husband did this, I would assume he was either buying me a present, or doing something he was slightly embarrassed about, like a medical query or something. I wouldn't jump to "affair" because his character doesn't run that way.
What is your husband like? Does he have a thorough track record of complete trustworthiness in every aspect of life? If yes - forget all about this "incident". If no - say nothing but keep your eyes open for further hints of anything going on.

There are a hundred different possibilities here, only one of which is an affair. Others include:

• organising things for Mother's Day, especially given this will be your first mother's Day!
• trying to do some nice surprise for you
• he's googling something/looking at something he'd be a bit embarrassed about. I do this a lot 😂.
• he's having a chat with a friend who wants to stuff confidential.

Don't jump to the worst conclusion.

most couples with babies don't have sex lives like they used to. It doesn’t mean anyone is having an affair ?
maybe he’s tilting the phone away from you as he’s buying Mother’s Day gifts for you? Although if he keeps doing this then I would be suspicious too and keep a lookout.

Definitely speaking to an escort id start getting a solicitor involved get out quick

I think you’re jumping to conclusions (unless you’re about to drip feed multiple instances of him being caught cheating or talking to other women).

Are you sure he specifically tilted the phone away from you? Not just moving it away from baby or moving his arm?

Also, you said to the baby “come here daddy is working” and he said “yes”. This does not mean that if he wasn’t on emails or Teams that he was lying. It’s sometimes easier to just agree because the concept is correct - he is busy so baby should move away - even if he was actually googling something or on a different app or whatever.

Have a word with yourself and relax - sounds innocent enough to me!

I usually say trust your gut but with a new baby, sleepless nights and hormones etc perceptions can be all over the shop. I would say though that a man doesn't need to leave the house these days to "meet" someone else. Don't confront him, there's no point. But just keep an eye out for anything that feels "off" from now on. You know him, so you will know if he's acting out of character.

I'm assuming you're being sarcastic here? Drawings your conclusion based on one evasive phone use, one 2 days before Mother's Day, shows an extreme and unhealthy level of paranoia.

No-one on mumsnet will be able to know what your husband was doing on his phone.

Do you trust him in general? He could have been doing literally anything. Is it likely given everything else you know about him that he was online cheating?

Was it a work phone? He really should have work phone (with Teams etc) separate from personal phone, his company should want that too.

The only thing I could advise factually is that sleep deprivation, hormones, new babies play havoc on absolutely everything, and can lead to poor decision making. Never make an important decision when you're beyond tired.

It sounds like what you need is peace of mind. I'd say start by trying to get some support- perhaps a babysitter for a night so you could go for dinner and a movie together?

I think you’re jumping the gun a bit here. Like others have said, he might be looking to order you something for Mother’s Day.
Unless he has form for messaging women etc then why would you immediately jump to that?

I tilt my phone away from DH because I don’t want him to see what I’m reading or commenting on MN! Highly likely there’s an innocent explanation.

Ive texted him asking. He is upstairs working. I have accused him of similar in past and theres always a reason which is never bad and he usually shows me. Yesterday he was making dinner with our baby and to distract her he had ms Rachel playing on his phone. When he left the room he told me to feel free to change it. When I was standing with baby I could see multiple notifications come up, Facebook from friends, ring camera etc. Would he do that if he was hiding an affair oh im being silly aren't I

He said its for mothers day 😔 how do I know to believe him

What's behind your trust issues op?
I never show my husband my phone and never look at his!

If it helps my Teams turns from black to white depending on the time of day I’m checking

But also if you’ve had little sleep, your still hormonal ( I was for 2 years postpartum 😅) and are possibly worried re the lack of sex then it’s easy to jump to conclusions

You’re going to drive him away. This level of distrust is unhealthy and unacceptable.

I was going to just say the same as Pink, mine changes from black to white also on my phone. He has given you an explanation but you still don’t believe him. I couldn’t live like that from either side, it’s unhealthy.

Your trust issues need to be addressed otherwise you’re going to drive him away.

I would seriously grow to resent my husband if he was constantly asking what I was doing on my phone.

Consider some joint therapy to talk things through.

You say that the team’s background is black but it was white this morning. Mine does the same - it’s black at night, but in the daytime it’s a white background. I also have to tilt my work phone away from hubs if I’m dealing with a sensitive topic as it would break all sorts of legislation for him to see it.

If your husband is now managing people then there could have been sensitive information relating to a staff member on screen and that’s why he tilted it away.

Of course if he has form for cheating then he could be, but if he never leaves the house I’m curious as to how. Porn is another option, especially if you’re not having sex

But - you have had a child with him. Maybe try to talk once baby has gone to bed tonight?