Am I wasting my last chance at another baby?

[MayNov]

Mumsnetters, sorry this is a long one, and thank you if you read to the end. I think I know the answer, but I need some outside perspective.

I’m 37 with a 4-year-old daughter. My marriage ended shortly after she was born. Three years ago, I met my current boyfriend and was clear from the start that I wanted another baby before 40.

After six months, I fell pregnant. He asked me to have an abortion as it “wasn’t the right time.” I agreed because my finances weren’t great, and we agreed we’d try once I had a new job.

I got a job in a new town and hoped he’d follow so we could build a future properly. He didn’t visit once in a year. During that time, I cheated with my ex - which was wrong. The job didn’t work out, I moved back, and we tried again. He found out about my ex and said we’d have a “trial run” and if it works out we can start trying for a bay in December. December became February. February became “maybe baby.”

Now he says because I cheated a year ago and things aren’t great, he’s unsure about having a baby. I feel I had an abortion I didn’t really want, moved my life around, and now live with him paying rent for a house he pays mortgage for while waiting for a future he keeps postponing. He says we don’t have time alone because of my daughter, which is impacting negatively, I don’t understand why we can’t all spend time together like a family.

I feel resentful and used.

So - do I leave because he clearly won’t commit and probably never truly intended to? Or do I stay and hope he eventually means it?

This isn’t a happy or secure relationship. Don’t bring a baby into this.

You seem to be laser focused on a baby to the exclusion of all other things. This isn't fair on your existing child, this man or the potential baby. Maybe focus on your relationship and if/when you are in the right place consider a child.

If he wanted to, he would. If he’s already jealous of the attention you give your daughter, he’ll never cope with you having a baby.

Cur your losses and find someone who genuinely loves you.

Definitely do not bring another child into this whole messed-up situation!

Your relationship is nowhere near stable enough to bring a baby into it. He is clearly not the love of your life if you cheated on him just a year ago. Don't drag your DD into this either by saying you should live and act like a family. You sound much more into the idea of this new baby (at any cost) rather than the man you are seeing and this guy clearly doesn't trust you or your intentions so he won't be able to build a trusting and initmate relationship with you.

It's as clear as day this is not going to work. He won't forgive you cheating and he doesn't want a baby. Don't waste any more time flogging a dead horse.

You tried before and it didn't work. Things are muddier now. Move out.

Just focus on the daughter you have. This is not a healthy environment for her to grow up in. Move out, get your own house for yourself and your daughter and then if you really really want to and can financially provide for another child, you can use donor sperm. Please just focus on the child you already have.

Best advice and its one of the first replies. OP it sounds like you’re dealing with a lot and a baby isn’t the answer.

Move out
pay rent on a place for you and the daughter you have

sounds like he’s only keeping you around to pay the bills

or have a baby with him in a house you have no legality to be in and whenever he wants he could kick you and daughter at least out - he might show favouritism with his biological child and that would cause no end of misery for your daughter in a situation you will have put her in because “you want another baby”

children need to be wanted and lived in a secure environment - this is none of those things

I felt frustrated reading your post. I’m trying not to be excessively harsh, but really, grow up.

This relationship is dead in the water. Do not have a baby with him. End the relationship - that you were never committed to - and focus on building a stable, meaningful life for your little girl.

You are behaving incredibly immaturely. A baby isn’t a lifestyle choice or a personal wish fulfilment. They need a stable home and ideally, relationship and a degree of maturity from their parent.

Absolutely not a healthy relationship. Your daughter deserves better!

I think it’s time to move on and focus on the child you do have rather than stay in a relationship that’s never going to work (abortion and cheating resentment) for a hypothetical baby.

It’s going to sound blunt but you’re hyper focussed on a new baby whilst you’re giving the one you currently have a shitty life as it is. Put her forefront and get her a secure home of your own, away from a bloke who resents her being around, then perhaps you’ll be in a position to start thinking about a sensible relationship and a baby.

This is going nowhere. He he right not to want to bring a baby into the current situation. And you seem to blame him for the abortion which you say in your post you agreed to...that's unfair Move on OP and wish you all the best

Would you want a baby with someone who cheated on you? I think not. He’s being very sensible while on the other hand you’re being extremely immature.
Bringing a baby into this messed up situation isn’t a good idea, you obviously don’t love him to cheat on him with your ex of all people. Your also blaming him for the abortion when both of you agreed which isn’t fair neither.
Focus on the child you have and stop this insanityx

I would have ended it the second he expected me to abort his (and my) child. That's just me.

People can agree reluctantly. People can pressure.

Edited to add: was this abortion agreed to under the premise that it was just a timing issue and there would be a baby in the future? If so, thats misleading, it doesn't sound like this guy was ever serious and happy to string along.

But they were only 6 months in. He couldn't possibly have known if he would want her to be the mother of his child at that point and OP has said she was unemployed and couldn't afford a child at that time anyway. The fact that she then went on to cheat on him probably damaged the chances of him wanting to have a baby with her ever.

When he asked me to abort he said we could try again next year when I would have been in a better position financially and my then one year old would be older. That’s why I took the new job and moved to another city the following year, to be in a better position financially.

I wasn’t unemployed and we did agree we wanted a baby before that.

You haven't been a passive bystander, take responsibility for your choices. It'll stop the bitterness and resentment. Then you can recover from your choices. He isn't for you, or rather he doesn't want a family, he doesn't see your DD as his. He won't end it, he gets sex and bills paid. There'll be no harm done to him when he decides to use you cheating to drop you. That'll happen when you push for a baby, or get pregnant. Cut your loses and get out now before your DD will suffer when you split.

Apologise, I misinterpreted your post. But your DD was only a year old when you had the abortion? In that case it was a no-brainer. No way should you have had another child with a different dad that soon. You needed to prioritise your DD and her stability, you still do to be fair. This guy and your desire for another child is taking up way too much of your focus.

You're a mother who is dragging her daughter here there and everywhere. Letting her witness relationship drama. Not ensuring financial stability. Forcing her to live with a stepdad who doesnt really want her. And you seriously want to bring another innocent child into this shitshow?

(Side comment - but I bloody love your user name @ChildrenOfTheQuorn )

What relationship drama is she witnessing? And where is the financial instability? I’ve been with same man since her father left when she was 3 months old. I have been back to work since she was 3 months old. I currently make a very good salary and have always been financially independent and self sufficient. I had to move towns for a very well paid job that helped me land an even better job back in my home town. Part of why I am reluctant to leave is because my boyfriend has been a very stable father figure in her life. I’m not quite sure why everyone reading this post is assuming my daughter is suffering or that I am unemployed or struggling financially.