Am I wasting my last chance at another baby?

[MayNov]

Mumsnetters, sorry this is a long one, and thank you if you read to the end. I think I know the answer, but I need some outside perspective.

I’m 37 with a 4-year-old daughter. My marriage ended shortly after she was born. Three years ago, I met my current boyfriend and was clear from the start that I wanted another baby before 40.

After six months, I fell pregnant. He asked me to have an abortion as it “wasn’t the right time.” I agreed because my finances weren’t great, and we agreed we’d try once I had a new job.

I got a job in a new town and hoped he’d follow so we could build a future properly. He didn’t visit once in a year. During that time, I cheated with my ex - which was wrong. The job didn’t work out, I moved back, and we tried again. He found out about my ex and said we’d have a “trial run” and if it works out we can start trying for a bay in December. December became February. February became “maybe baby.”

Now he says because I cheated a year ago and things aren’t great, he’s unsure about having a baby. I feel I had an abortion I didn’t really want, moved my life around, and now live with him paying rent for a house he pays mortgage for while waiting for a future he keeps postponing. He says we don’t have time alone because of my daughter, which is impacting negatively, I don’t understand why we can’t all spend time together like a family.

I feel resentful and used.

So - do I leave because he clearly won’t commit and probably never truly intended to? Or do I stay and hope he eventually means it?

Exactly! You should not be having a baby when you are so reliant and dependent on this man to the disadvantage of your own child. You are allowing a man to feel irritated by her presence and your only concern is having another child?!

Everyone is reading it for the red flag it is. This man has a problem with your daughter always being around. How does that not disturb you as a mother. Everyone is reading that and your biggest concern is another baby, that’s clear your child isn’t your focus here

Why do you want another child? You are hardly mother of the year to your existing one. Absolute madness to me you cannot prioritise your poor daughter who has no say in this shitshow, yet are so insistent you should have another child. Why?

You cheated on him. He clearly doesn't want a baby with you. He knows your age and is stringing you along while waiting for the right woman to come along. That isn't you.

If you want another child, separate, make sure your finances and employment are secure, and then go it alone. Focus on your family ( your existing dc deserves your attention) & your job. Stop wasting time looking for a father for your next baby, it won't happen in the timescales.

Yes but when he said have a child a year later YOU changed that by cheating on him with your ex. Why aren’t you willing to take any responsibility for your own actions? It’s not his fault that you decided to cheat and changed the rules.
Put your daughter first and stop this shitshow.

If a man doesn't visit you for a year it means he does not and will not want to have a baby with you.

End it with this guy - it doesn't sound like it's going anywhere.

You could have another baby via IVF if you are dead set on another.

You agreed you wanted a baby with him before you'd been together 6 months?!
You have a child to consider. Let this relationship go. It's clearly not your route to another child and nor should it be. Sometimes women only get to have one child and that's ok. If having another would be detrimental to your existing child then you shouldn't have one, and in this context it would absolutely be detrimental. Let it go.

I just think too much has happened between you that’s left both of you resentful in different ways. Not really a blame game but it just doesn’t sound like a solid footing for a successful relationship. Cut your losses and split up. You’re wasting time here, neither of you seem happy. Who knows what the future holds but you don’t need to be in a relationship to have another baby. It’s often easier to not be.

He's a good father figure but reserves the time you have with her. I assume your ex sees her so it's not even like you never get time away from her

I agreed because I hadn’t just met him, we worked together for 4 years prior to “meeting”.

You can agree reluctantly but it’s still your choice. Why always blame someone else for your decisions.easy cop out

He is right to not want a child with you, and you shouldn’t want one with him either.
You cheated. He doesn’t want your daughter around.

Leave, and focus on the child you have rather than this fantasy second child who is destabilising your life simply by being in your head.

You sound like you need to work on yourself girl.

This man doesn't want kids with you. End of.

Things are chaotic for you and you need to focus on being stable and clear on what youre doing. You're a single mum to a, no doubt lovely girl, focus on that, on securing your home and working somewhere that makes you happy.

You should absolutely NOT be in a relationship with anyone, but especially this man.

Dump him. Focus on stability for you and dd, and then look into sperm donation should you want a 2nd.

I personally believe that the kids should have the same absent/shite father, so if your oldest doesn't have a dad, sperm donation could be the best way to ensure a fair experience for the two kids.

All the best 💐

Your current relationship isn’t working and adding a baby to the mix is not a good idea, it is a pretty terrible one. Your DP doesn’t sound as though he wants to spend time with the dc who is already here.

You have a dc and focusing on them seems a much more sensible idea, what are they not giving you that a baby would? Very shortly the new baby wouldn’t be baby and will just be another child.

How am I reliant and dependent? I pay almost half his mortgage even though I have no stakes in his property, pay everything for myself and my daughter and am self sufficient. If I were to move out he would be at a loss financially and I would probably be better off as I would eventually be paying towards my own mortgage.

So your ex left you when your baby was 3 months old?
You got together with your current boyfriend when your baby was 6 months old?
You fell pregnant when your baby was 1/relationship was 6 months old?

When did you introduce your bf to your baby? It sounds like everything was going far, far too fast at the beginning.

You and your bf need to break up. He clearly doesn’t want a baby with you, you clearly don’t think he’s “the one” - but you are so desperate for a baby before you are 40 you are willing to stay for that reason. That’s not good enough for any of you. Separate and work on being happy without a man and focus on your daughter who needs your attention. If you still want another baby, look at sperm donation.

Why are you risking yours and your daughter’s financial security by paying half of this man’s mortgage and having no stake in the property? That is madness.

Then do that. Plan your financial future to benefit you and your child, not him, since he obviously isn't that interested.

So this is what you should do. Get your own property and pay your own mortgage.

Trust and respect from him to you has gone when you cheated and hence has changed his mind about having a child with you.

Would your ex have a baby with you given you already have one child together so they would be full siblings?

Do you apply that attitude to everything a vulnerable woman "consents" to?

This is worse and worse the further you try to justify it. Why are you paying half of his mortgage instead of securing the future with your own mortgage for this imaginary future baby (not to mention the actual baby that already exists)?! Why are you totally ignoring that YOU cheated on him but focusing on him not wanting a baby?

Take responsibility for your own poor choices here and walk away. Get your own home, pay your own mortgage, focus on looking after the kid that you already have instead of the one that you don’t.

Because they are very hostile towards anyone who expresses regret at terminating a pregnancy. I'm so sad at some of these replies you're getting here OP. Either way, my tuppence is that you and your daughter deserve better than this guy. You really do. Wishing you all the best.

Do not have a child with this man in this situation. Not fair on your existing child or him tbh. FFS do you really need people on the internet to tell you this? Stop focusing on having a baby before you’re 40, and focus on your current child.

Why do you need another kid above a secure relationship?

if you’re that laser focused leave him, buy some spunk on the internet and crack on