Am I wasting my last chance at another baby?

[MayNov]

Mumsnetters, sorry this is a long one, and thank you if you read to the end. I think I know the answer, but I need some outside perspective.

I’m 37 with a 4-year-old daughter. My marriage ended shortly after she was born. Three years ago, I met my current boyfriend and was clear from the start that I wanted another baby before 40.

After six months, I fell pregnant. He asked me to have an abortion as it “wasn’t the right time.” I agreed because my finances weren’t great, and we agreed we’d try once I had a new job.

I got a job in a new town and hoped he’d follow so we could build a future properly. He didn’t visit once in a year. During that time, I cheated with my ex - which was wrong. The job didn’t work out, I moved back, and we tried again. He found out about my ex and said we’d have a “trial run” and if it works out we can start trying for a bay in December. December became February. February became “maybe baby.”

Now he says because I cheated a year ago and things aren’t great, he’s unsure about having a baby. I feel I had an abortion I didn’t really want, moved my life around, and now live with him paying rent for a house he pays mortgage for while waiting for a future he keeps postponing. He says we don’t have time alone because of my daughter, which is impacting negatively, I don’t understand why we can’t all spend time together like a family.

I feel resentful and used.

So - do I leave because he clearly won’t commit and probably never truly intended to? Or do I stay and hope he eventually means it?

He probably didn’t realise she would cheat on him. That is on her. And he’s refusing to have a baby in a shit relationship, it’s weird that you are opposed to that.

Than why agree to get back together and say you still want children and why not just break up if you think the relationship is shit?

It's really not that easy to just give up on a relationship. It sounds like he loves you and wanted to get past the cheating but he hasn't been able to completely get over it. He wouldn't be still bringing it up if he had got over it. Maybe you need to take the lead on ending the relationship.

Not all women are vulnerable did you not realise that

Oh my god. Break up with him. He’s stringing you along and you want a baby more than a man. End this sham of a relationship and get artificial insemination or apply to adopt.

You’re a high earner, you don’t need a man to have a baby.

You’ve even said yourself… it is a trial! And he’s also told you he doesn’t feel you are getting enough time together, which is his bad, but he’s TELLING you he isn’t happy in the relationship… he’s not pretending life is perfect and aimlessly misleading you about a baby. He agreed to give it a try and have a baby if things were working, he’s clearly not happy still… as he has told you, and so the correct thing here is to still, not have a baby. Hence why you should split and focus on your child. Nobody should have a baby in a relationship they aren’t happy in, just because they didn’t manage to predict the future and once thought a baby would come eventually.

Similarly, why not just break up instead of cheating? You both appear to have made some poor decisions.

At this point, the why doesn’t matter. You did what you did, he did what he did and now you are where you are.

If you want to have the baby, have the baby.

Well she can’t without him agreeing to it… that’s sorta the point

Not sure how the voting works - I’d say you’re unreasonable because it sounds like neither of you want the relationship an you’re hanging on to maybe get pregnant with someone who doesn’t want a baby.

so leave. Move out and maybe see if you meet someone else.

I agreed because my finances weren’t great

we agreed we’d try once I had a new job

The job didn’t work out

All this is from your first post. Which is why people are questioning your financial acumen.

As for the rest of it, I'm inclined to agree with others. There are too many red flags (your cheating, him pushing the goalposts, you paying towards his mortgage not to mention the child already involved in all this)

It is never going to work.

Your boyfriend is being sensible. Bringing a child into anything other than a rock solid long term relationship is foolish. It doesn’t matter how much money you have.

If you are only staying in this relationship because you think it is your best chance at a baby, you should leave. However, you should not just seek a new man for the sake of procreation.

Your 37 and you already have a child. Yes you wanted another child by the time you turned 40. As the moment your with a man whose does not want your child around.
If he is like this with a young child he has no interest in having a baby, the sleepless nights ect
He got you to get an abortion in the past and you cheated on him after this.
At the moment your paying half his mortgage on a house that your not named on.
He has you there to pay towards his mortgage, bills and provide sex.

You need to grow up and realise that he is wasting your time. You need to end things with him. Don't bring a child into your current situation as it not fair on him, you or the child you already have.
At this stage it's not just about you and what you want. You have to consider what best for you and your current child long term.

I would look for a place to rent with your child and tell him it over between you as long term you want different things. I would do what ever possible to buy your own home.

Of course she can. Just not with him.

The thing is with men, they don’t have a menopauss they have all the time in the world to have a baby. So he could want a baby with you just decades down the line.

I don't get the impression he ever wanted a baby OP. You aren't happy together and you want different things. Get out now. I know plenty of women who had babies in their early 40s.

You were saying ‘have the baby’ like it was already a thing she could do. There is no baby, it’s just as simple as ‘have it if you want it’.

This

Honestly OP you seem so focused on having a baby you’re ignoring the fact this is not a functional relationship.
Do you want another child so badly that you want to bring one into this shitshow with this bloke little more than a sperm donor?

Think of your poor DD who has no say in the fact she’s been dragged into this mess with a man who resents her existence before she was out of nappies. Put her first ffs

I’m not sure what shit show you’re referring to? My little girl has a lovely home and a lovely life, there are no arguments in our house, regardless of my disappointments, and whether I have or don’t have a baby she will continue to have the same lovey life. My boyfriend wants to spend more quality time with just me, yes, but that doesn’t mean he resents her existence. He probably wishes I didn’t still sleep in bed with my daughter throughout the night, because she doesn’t yet sleep alone and he would probably want more date nights which very rarely happen because I’d rather involve my child in all our activities. I don’t like that he often doesn’t want to join us to soft play, country worlds, swimming, the zoo, poney riding etc and he doesn’t like that we never do anything on our own. I think having a little sister or a brother would be beneficial as it would teach her how to be a big sister and further down the line she would have more family which is generally a good thing.

The OP isn’t going to change her mind. She’s come on here to ask for the hive mind opinion and despite everyone saying it’s a bad idea she is still denying it.

He doesn't care what you think would be beneficial for your kid. He doesn't want to be a family with her and you. That's what it boils down to.

You can pretend all you want that things are good but your BF is avoiding starting a family with you. Right now, you're paying half his mortgage, so there's a financial benefit in keeping you around.

You're wasting your time and money.

I must confess that I somehow misread the OP and thought she was already pregnant. I’m clearly an idiot. Please ignore me.

No OP you DD doesn’t need to be taught how to be a big sister. Your boyfriend has no interest in her now, he will have even less interest in he has child that is biologically his. Some people are great step-parents, this one has been crystal clear he isn’t one of them. Please don’t do this to your DD, she deserves to grow up in a loving family, not one where she’s seen as an inconvenience.

I’m not saying she needs to be taught how to be a big sister - I’m saying that the experience itself of learning how to be a big sister could be a positive one for her.

I’m also very aware that I will not be having children with my current boyfriend. But the fact that he has benefited from me financially and through the services I provide whilst leading me on, does not mean he has been awful to my daughter, that she has had an unhappy life, or that our family life has been a disaster. If he were ever unkind or harmful towards her, I would have left immediately.

Equally, my desire to have another child does not make me a neglectful mother to the child I already have. And mentioning that at one time finances weren’t great does not make me destitute or unemployed. It’s worth mentioning that if your income is above a certain threshold you don’t get gov funded childcare. My daughter’s nursery fees were £1700 at the time. With two children in nursery it would have amounted to £3400. I feel that some of the conclusions drawn have come from broader assumptions about single mothers rather than from my actual circumstances.

That said, I do genuinely appreciate the comments. They’ve helped confirm an impression I already had but was reluctant to fully confront.

I think you should focus on the well being of the child you have.

The relationship sounds unhealthy. You do t trust each other, you aren't behaving as a family.

Having another baby is quite likely not in the best interests of the dc you have. Blended families are very tricky to manage. The two of you could have a lovely, happy family together, just the two of you.