Family Emotional Terrorism

[Ladybyrd]

Hi. I’m really struggling with boundaries with my mother at the moment and the whole situation is getting me down. My brother lives with my parents and nephew spends weekends there (brother split from partner 6 years ago). They live just over an hour away. I take my kids to visit every fortnight or so. Parents come here about twice a year. They said when they moved down there they’d visit of course. All they seem to do is visit the town I live in and then tell us after the event! Brother and nephew come to the town we live in weekly but never suggest meeting up.

When I speak to DM, all she talks about is my nephew. They’ve been to watch him play sports, they all went out for a meal together, she bought him this, he’s done that - on and on and on. Whatever my kids do, he’s done it with bells on. And increasingly she’s doing it in front of my kids. They’ve never even stayed at their GPs for the night - he has his own bedroom. Last weekend when I visited he demanded to know why I’d parked in their parking space. On previous visits he’s called me fat and a cow. And EVERYONE JUST LAUGHS (if I hear my brother say “mate” one more time).

Tuesday morning I get a call from DM first thing. I assume my dad is ill again because she rarely calls. She says she was just calling to see how we all were. Then after 10 minutes complaining about various things, she drops in how my brother had called in sick at school for my nephew the previous day so they all could go for a family meal together 🤯 Some friends had come down to see them. Same friends had contacted me weeks ago to say they were coming. My response was lovely - be lovely to see you as we met up the other year.

I am now in the dog house for saying I had to go because I was fed up of hearing about all these things. Do them, by all means - but keep telling me about things we’ve been excluded from is just rubbing my nose in it. It later transpired the real reason she’d called was to forewarn me before the friends posted pictures of their get together all over Facebook.

Now, radio silence. I will be expected to apologise, particularly with Mother’s Day coming up. I can’t and I won’t. It’s one thing rubbing my nose in it but my kids are picking up on it more and more. I’m absolutely fucking livid.

It's time to stop chasing it, OP. You don't have to do anything dramatic. Just quietly step back. Don't visit. Do not subject your children to this nonsense. If they call, pick up, be polite for a minute, then dash off to answer the door. If you don't know what Grey Rocking is, check it out. Feeling your pain.

Two can play at that game. Put photos of your own lovely life online and call occasionally to pre warn them, but no visits for now, you're far too busy.

Stop visiting, stop contacting and stop allowing this awful woman rub yours and your poor childrens nose in it.
Your nephew is a brat.
Stay away.
Perhaps mute and archive the number.

You have agency here.
Stop allowing them to treat you and your children badly.

No one is forcing you to visit.
You do not have to answer the phone.
Drop the rope and move on.

Thank you bonkers. Something like this seems to blow up every few months. It’s just exhausting and it’s getting harder and harder to see any benefit to it anyway. Of course it’s all me being dramatic and silly and of course it’s all in my head. But I had my son going through a phase of trying to persuade me that nanny and grandad should come and move in with us a while back. I think my mum sees that as cute. I see it as their weird behaviour starting to affect him.

Leave them to it. Your kids are better off not being heavily involved with people who laugh at a child being vile and disrespectful and take a child out of school for a family meal.

Wow, I honestly thought I’d get flamed for posting that!

Emotional terrorism is a bit much. Stop visiting and making so much effort. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that your nephew has a room there considering it’s his dads home, but I can see why you feel unfairly treated.

Don't get drawn into the game. Live the life you have, enjoy it, and leave them to it. I know it must hurt a lot, but the more you step back, the less it will affect you.

Yes, it may be, but it did feel like a violation. I’m in my own home, minding my own business, up to my eyes in work, but happy in my world. And a call out of the blue, dressed up as concern, but just an unsolicited unburdening I know I was supposed to say please and thank you for. Just upended my day. I know it shouldn’t have, but it did. Maybe not a Molotov cocktail lobbed through the window. Perhaps just a turd.

Why should she? What's the positive in her doing it? They are not teenagers trying to one up one another. I'd be more inclined to start ignoring them and reducing contact rather then getting involved in a game of who has it better.

Drop the rope and walk away. They’ll start trying to make contact to try and suck you back in as soon as they realise you’re no longer chasing them.

Take a measured step back.

You do not owe your family anything.. including your Time and Presence.

I haven't seen/spoken to my older brother in weeks, i speak to his wife occasionally, and i will see him this Sunday and we'll talk as normal. I really only see him on Birthdays and special occasions and we're fine with that. It doesn't mean i don't love him, and we're not close.. but we don't feel the need to be performative about spending time in each others company for the hell of it.

You can love your family without spending every other weekend making nice with them for appearances sake if it isn't something you want to do with your lives!

Drop the rope, step back. It doesn’t have to be any major argument (it wouldn’t make a difference anyway) what follows is sad but becomes peaceful. We stepped back, we haven’t been spoken to since, we’re the villains in the story to everyone that will listen.
Whereas we’ve just chosen peace, we were never included, never invited, contact never reciprocated, facebook flooded with family adventures to places, that usually we’d suggested we could all get together and ‘oh it was just a last minute decision’.
We tried for so many years and eventually it just becomes too disheartening, too draining and when children become old enough to notice the difference in treatment themselves and ask why, that’s when it truly becomes enough.

Did you post about this yesterday and then ask for it to be removed for some reason?
Your parents favour your brother and his son, its crap and not fair but you won't change it so change how you react instead
Drop the rope and leave them all to it, if you see them do it on your own terms and if your nephew is rude to you tell him off

That’s it in a nutshell @TruJay. But it’s really my fault because I step back, they come forward a bit, I step forward and before you know it it blows up again (usually following some drama engineered by my brother - I’m still waiting for a response to an invite to Christmas dinner 2025 - a no would have been fine. Won’t happen again though.)

It’s the gaslighting though “oh it isn’t like that at all you’re imaging it”.

The best thing was one of the “friends” messaging me to make sure I’m ok. So my mum must have called for backup and I’m being portrayed as mentally unhinged.

I blocked them. Not to create drama but to stop it. I don’t want the intrusion. At best I was just a communication channel to my mother - they can pick up the phone instead now.

I did. I was yer but no but.

I know you’re right.

I was your children in this scenario growing up. My paternal grandmother was not interested in my sisters and me, but my cousin's were amazing and very clearly her favourite. I didn't understand when I was growing up, I remember trying so hard to please her but she wasn't interested. A few years ago I let her go. I grieved for her as I lost a grandmother (not literally) but she was so toxic and could be so nasty, I've felt so free without her. It's really sad situation but I am far better no contact. I'm really grateful my Dad (and Mum) for trying to protect me from her nasty ways. I think you need to do the same for your children x

Distance yourself from the drama. Don't visit everyone couple of weeks - you're busy, you're taking the kids out, whatever. Break the cycle and back away from them.

@CheeryOnionMy parents are kind to the kids when we visit. DF struggles as his hearing is terrible, DM does talk to them. They both make a fuss.

It’s just I have to keep redrawing the line. She’ll be fine, then keep overstepping and overstepping. My kids really don’t need to hear what she’s been doing with my cousin. But there again, she probably doesn’t have much else to talk about.

They do make a fuss on birthdays and Christmas. My children only have a GM on the other side and she lives abroad so we only see her once a year. It’s hard.

Some of it is probably resentment as I feel really unsupported by them as grandparents yet they gave free childcare to my ex sister in law (not that I ever wanted it but it would be nice to have just a little support).

It is what it is I suppose. I won’t cut them off at this stage as they haven’t upset the kids just me, but I will certainly step back.

The whole pattern of it is just so draining though.

Perhaps try and be clearer?

‘It is what it is I suppose. I won’t cut them off at this stage as they haven’t upset the kids just me, but I will certainly step back.’

This is sad, you’re important too. You certainly don’t need to wait until they hurt your children.
I found we didn’t even need to ‘cut them off’ we were already cut off anyway. Always kept on the outside. You just stop everything from your side and the tumbleweed soon arrives.

We’ve tried discussions, we’ve tried explaining how we’re made to feel but we’re exaggerating, lying, causing problems. Basically put up and shut up. But no more. My kids didn’t need to be told where the cousins had been taken, about their recent sleepovers, about what they’d been given, bought, how amazing they are accompanied by the photos shoved in their faces as proof. I’m sad I let it continue as long as I did. My kids were seen once or twice a year if that, our invitations to them were always cancelled last minute in favour of others even if the plans had been made months in advance.

@TruJayThe family friend messaging - it’s just cringeworthy. Can’t believe they’ve been telling tales on me - and that tale was just “don’t rub my nose in it when you exclude me - I don’t want to hear about it - I have to go now, bye.” I don’t think that’s unreasonable personally but I don’t doubt there was wailing and hysterics at the unfairness of it all, me being circled as the oddball again (long history of it). I just can’t be arsed with any of it. I’m not explaining myself again.

Partner suggested just sending flowers for Mother’s Day and I think that’s what I’ll do. I am not being presented as the arsehole in this. When they’re nice they’re very, very nice but it takes a blow up every so often then lapses back to this.

Tbh why flowers? Save the £££ and treat you and your dc to a cake and a drink at a nice cafe at the weekend instead..
You know db will have sent a bigger /better bouquet so why bother?

@EasterbunnygettingawrappingNo, I know he absolutely will not bother.

Then don't you bother either.