Family Emotional Terrorism

[Ladybyrd]

Hi. I’m really struggling with boundaries with my mother at the moment and the whole situation is getting me down. My brother lives with my parents and nephew spends weekends there (brother split from partner 6 years ago). They live just over an hour away. I take my kids to visit every fortnight or so. Parents come here about twice a year. They said when they moved down there they’d visit of course. All they seem to do is visit the town I live in and then tell us after the event! Brother and nephew come to the town we live in weekly but never suggest meeting up.

When I speak to DM, all she talks about is my nephew. They’ve been to watch him play sports, they all went out for a meal together, she bought him this, he’s done that - on and on and on. Whatever my kids do, he’s done it with bells on. And increasingly she’s doing it in front of my kids. They’ve never even stayed at their GPs for the night - he has his own bedroom. Last weekend when I visited he demanded to know why I’d parked in their parking space. On previous visits he’s called me fat and a cow. And EVERYONE JUST LAUGHS (if I hear my brother say “mate” one more time).

Tuesday morning I get a call from DM first thing. I assume my dad is ill again because she rarely calls. She says she was just calling to see how we all were. Then after 10 minutes complaining about various things, she drops in how my brother had called in sick at school for my nephew the previous day so they all could go for a family meal together 🤯 Some friends had come down to see them. Same friends had contacted me weeks ago to say they were coming. My response was lovely - be lovely to see you as we met up the other year.

I am now in the dog house for saying I had to go because I was fed up of hearing about all these things. Do them, by all means - but keep telling me about things we’ve been excluded from is just rubbing my nose in it. It later transpired the real reason she’d called was to forewarn me before the friends posted pictures of their get together all over Facebook.

Now, radio silence. I will be expected to apologise, particularly with Mother’s Day coming up. I can’t and I won’t. It’s one thing rubbing my nose in it but my kids are picking up on it more and more. I’m absolutely fucking livid.

Worst of it all was - yes my nephew has been rude - but he was talking about his 11 plus and it was just really sad. He said there was no point him doing it because he’s “bad at English”. I understand that not all kids get to go to grammar school - that’s life. But “bad” is so resigned. To me it just means “need help”. So his dad calls in sick to take him to a pub - Christ knows how many days off the kid’s had to go to sports fixtures. Aside from all the other stuff, I just think it’s really sad.

Not my circus, nor my monkeys though.

Oh no. A card is quite enough.

@Sharptonguedwoman In this ensuing silence, I think you’re probably right.

Call her out on her nonsense the next time she tries her gaslighting and don’t contact her anymore. This sounds pretty toxic and a weird dynamic for them to start normalising with your son. It’s ok to tell your son directly that this is not normal or how most parents interact with their children.

Why are you visiting every fortnight, OP? That's an awful lot, and your kids will be missing out on stuff at home while you're there. Dial it back to 2 or 3 times a year and everything will feel much less fraught.

No flowers.
A plain card and no further visit.
As for a friend caling you.
I would have denied all of it, asked the fridnd was SHE ok making suchba strange call, and then dismiss my mother as confused, dramatic and a bit silly.
Don't ever admit stuff, play it down.

You really need to invest in friends, activities and connections where you live.
Leave your mother to your brother.

@KettlessI just said good but busy, hope you had a good holiday. Left it a couple of days then blocked them. My mum was telling me all about what so and so had done, actually accused someone of defrauding a charity! It seemed blatant the friend was using fb as a reconnaissance tool. At best I was being used as a messaging service, at worst, who knows, so no thank you very much.

Good.
Don't get into it with your mother.
Just be busy, busy, busy on a loop.
If you refuse to dngage, be available, to discuss anything, you deny her the oxygen that she wants.
Just be busy with stuff where you live and stop visiting.
They can't make you.
So take back control and leave her to your brother.
They are bringing nothing to your life or that of your children, so make them unimportant in it.
Then when you do decide to make a short visit, it really won't bother you so much.
You can't change them, so stop trying.
Change what you can, whichbis your response to all of this.
It works.

@Kettless Thank you. It’s hard to get out of the mindset that you need to “fix” it, but I know the only way of doing that is to ring and apologise. But that isn’t fixing anything at all, it’s just hitting the reset button and round and round we go again. When we go a week or so without contact it’s just more peaceful because I just feel like I’m constantly being needled. I’m starting to get my head around it.

Dropping the rope is like a muscle.
The more you exercise it and step back, the easier it is to gain clarity.
Change is not easy, but peace is the prize.
At the moment it is a scab that is constantly being picked.
Not good for you, your life, your family.

send a modest bunch of flowers. then see them monthly.

Don't ring and apologise as you haven’t done anything wrong. Instead (if they ring) double down on what you've said (if pushed) and then give them a months worth of space.

Ask them how they are going to do things differently to make your family feel included.

If (only if), you want to speak to them again, be busy busy busy and vague and let them do all the running. Oh yes it’d be great to see you! When will you next be in my town, let’s do lunch? Kids would love a day out with you let us know when suits! And when conversation turns to nephew, oh dear got to go! Brother must fill me in some time I’m sure he’ll give me a ring soon, chat soon, do let me know about dates, bye!

Are your children a similar age to your nephew?

@4wardlookingNephew is 3 years older than my eldest and 6 years older than the youngest.

Does your brother have plans to move out one day or is hoping to inherit their house?

@4wardlookingI think we both know the answer to that one, unfortunately.

You’ve gradually been pushed out, most probably since your DB moved back home, but also kept close enough for your mum to pretend everything is normal and to have you as a friend to talk to about her life.

But you’re not her friend, you’re her daughter with her grandchildren and should be treated the same as she treats your DB and nephew. She’s not doing this, so you don’t have to listen to the inequality.

Don’t ring and apologise, I’m the fixer in my family too when everyone treats me badly. that’s who I was from birth until my late 40s, the eldest in charge of everyone, expected to look after everyone and I just don’t count.

Well I was they are all NC with me now, last time I saw a sibling was 3 years ago as my siblings have pushed me out of the family.

I talk to my DM once a week only nowadays. we don’t talk about my siblings and I won’t be calling on Sunday as she will have seen some of my siblings. I’ve just sent a card, letter and something tiny. I live hundreds of miles away and she’s never been to my home incase it upsets my siblings ,I’ve lived here about 8 years.

you need to distance yourself from all of it, it doesn’t sound like there’s a healthy set up between your parents, your brother and your nephew as it is as they should have helped him for his test not taken him out. So all sounds wrong. Plus your brother should have his own home.

so leave them too it, focus on yourself and your children. They don’t need to be hearing what’s been done that didn’t include them .I grew up in a very similar family where two of my cousins were the favourites. and it’s not healthy or ok. The last time I ever saw one GP as an adult I only lived a few streets away but wasn’t welcome. I went with my parent and my DC who was their only great grandchild. I was treated like a stranger and all I heard about once again were the two perfect cousins with their photos everywhere…..there were 18 of us grandchildren not 2. So sad.

The only way to stop this is to stop responding the same way. Set your limits and rules, stick to them relentlessly, do it on your own terms and step back further if there are any changes to what your mum is doing.

I think you are in a narcissist- mother dynamic ( her, not you, being the narc). Brother iscthe Golden Child; you are the Scapegoat. Look it up - loads of 8nfo on the internet about it.

In your case, there is the added (a) need for your attention, cos narcs love attention and (b) an abusive element.

If you don't think this fits - well, they are, regardless, treating you shittily and you don't need to put up with it, especially since it beginning to affect your DC.

Put some distance between your family and The Terrorists.

I’m thinking back to the last time we were there. My youngest asked for a sandwich. Yes, I fed her before we got there, but she was watching my cousin tuck into a big pile of chicken wings. My mum told her if she has one my dad wouldn’t have any supper! End of conversation. Not would you like something else.

Looking back it feels like she was asking to be treated the same as her cousin. Maybe I’m reading too much into it.

I don’t even feel like sending a card now. I feel obligated to, but if I do it will prompt a phonecall. Pretending it’s ok is exhausting, but any kind of push back is just seen as me acting up and picking on an old lady. Even silence.

I’m in a game I can’t win whatever I do. I do think my brother is engineering a lot of this to drive a wedge so he can take the whole estate. He was definitely pushing for some kind of reaction at Christmas not even bothering to reply to the meal invitation but we just ignored him.

I do feel sorry for my dad but then he’s making virtually no effort either. Everytime it blows up - he’ll say oh it isn’t like that - you only have to ask if you want us to come up. And then never bother initiating contact.

I hope you are ok this morning @Ladybyrd and have a wonderful Mother's Day with your children and your partner.
Ignore or block any attempts from them to contact you. Definitely block the flying monkeys, the 'concerned ' friends. Time to redraw the boundaries.

Oh fucking brilliant. So I did send flowers and a card because I’d didn’t want to be the asshole. Just had an email from the card company to say they’ve replaced the Mother’s Day card with an Apology Card! WTAF??!!!!

Oh whatever. Jesus Christ.