Family Emotional Terrorism

[Ladybyrd]

Hi. I’m really struggling with boundaries with my mother at the moment and the whole situation is getting me down. My brother lives with my parents and nephew spends weekends there (brother split from partner 6 years ago). They live just over an hour away. I take my kids to visit every fortnight or so. Parents come here about twice a year. They said when they moved down there they’d visit of course. All they seem to do is visit the town I live in and then tell us after the event! Brother and nephew come to the town we live in weekly but never suggest meeting up.

When I speak to DM, all she talks about is my nephew. They’ve been to watch him play sports, they all went out for a meal together, she bought him this, he’s done that - on and on and on. Whatever my kids do, he’s done it with bells on. And increasingly she’s doing it in front of my kids. They’ve never even stayed at their GPs for the night - he has his own bedroom. Last weekend when I visited he demanded to know why I’d parked in their parking space. On previous visits he’s called me fat and a cow. And EVERYONE JUST LAUGHS (if I hear my brother say “mate” one more time).

Tuesday morning I get a call from DM first thing. I assume my dad is ill again because she rarely calls. She says she was just calling to see how we all were. Then after 10 minutes complaining about various things, she drops in how my brother had called in sick at school for my nephew the previous day so they all could go for a family meal together 🤯 Some friends had come down to see them. Same friends had contacted me weeks ago to say they were coming. My response was lovely - be lovely to see you as we met up the other year.

I am now in the dog house for saying I had to go because I was fed up of hearing about all these things. Do them, by all means - but keep telling me about things we’ve been excluded from is just rubbing my nose in it. It later transpired the real reason she’d called was to forewarn me before the friends posted pictures of their get together all over Facebook.

Now, radio silence. I will be expected to apologise, particularly with Mother’s Day coming up. I can’t and I won’t. It’s one thing rubbing my nose in it but my kids are picking up on it more and more. I’m absolutely fucking livid.

Holy mackerel! Give it to them with both barrels.

This can’t be happening I must still be asleep.

I’m hoping it’s an apology from the company not me but whatever. It’s all too daft for words.

I replied straightaway.

An update on this thread 3 months down the line. Just had my daughter’s birthday and Father’s Day. Low and behold, another blow up a couple of weeks before.

We went to see them on a prearranged visit. Got there and my father wasn’t even there. He’d taken my nephew out somewhere.

I phoned my mother and told her we were on our way (a three hour round trip in the middle of summer). She didn’t say a word. Somehow this is meant to be normal behaviour and not her fault? They’d organised it the day before.

I took the children and left pretty much as soon as we arrived.

I’ve been so upset the last couple of weeks. No apology. Not even an acknowledgement it was wrong. A birthday present posted for my daughter. A presumption of business as usual and the continued performance of caring grandparents who genuinely couldn’t give a crap.

I was not going to ask my children to perform Father’s Day for a grandad who couldn’t even be bothered to show up for an organised visit.

I’ve known for some time the whole family dynamic was fucked. It comes to something when you have to safeguard special occasions AGAINST your own family, but for a year or so these incidents have been cropping up regular as clockwork just ahead of special occasions.

i should have listened to the posters on this thread but we’ve finally cut ties. The last straw was my child asking why Nana is always talking about their cousin - why don’t they love them as much?

Now I see them exactly as they are.

No more hallmark grandparents.

BUT the upshot is that we’ve come out of it stronger as a family. My partner has been so supportive. My kids are great. And they’ve actually been getting along better with each other. The oldest has been getting on better at school. If you’ve read about EI parents, that’s definitely the loop I was stuck in. But the minute you see your kids affected, it’s impossible to continue with that.

Glad you have finally made the decision to go no contact BUT you have to stick to it. You cannot keep putting yourself and most of all your children through this. Your parents have shown you who they are. Your Dad, knowing you were visiting goes out? He cannot even stay to meet his other grandchildren?
Your daughter has noticed, listen to the message she is sending you. Do not allow your parents to continue their behaviour of subtly undermining your children. Their loss.
Beware too of the flying monkeys. Don't engage with them other than to say, yourself, your children and their wellbeing are your priority. Close down any attempts to re-engage and continue the cycle.

Hi Op. just be aware that feelings are funny buggers and you may find yourself second guessing things down the line. Estrangement, even when for cast iron reasons, is psychologically hard at times. It’s normal if you find yourself wondering about decisions, feeling sad, even wondering if you over reacted. Just remind yourself it took you a long point to get to this point and you and your family deserve better. The Father’s Day thing would have been the last straw for me too.

Ime everyone gets on better without those who head fuck our lives
Haven't seen my dm since 2012. I never send cards of any sort... She also hasn't seen my dc.

That's so unpleasant. I'm sorry you have such awful relatives. All you can really do is detach. Don't apologise.

Just read your update. Well done.

Sorry that your parents are the way they are op. It's so frustrating how they're blind (or pretend to be) of that dynamic of favoritism and the golden child. Glad your family is doing better though.

Thank you all. The incident I originally posted about here was really the last straw and this one is the cherry on top! I’ve been reading about narcissism and triangulation and the golden child/scapegoat dynamic and it all just slots cleanly into place. Also emotionally immature parents - where they project their unhappiness onto their children. I’ve spent my whole life seeking their approval. Now the glasses are off I can see they’ve behaved despicably time and time over - I will not be coaxing my children through hoops for people like that. They’ll never change - I’ve no doubt they’ll fully see me as the one in the wrong.

All we want is peace and a happy family, but you can’t get that with people who thrive on drama and just keep engineering unpleasantness out of nowhere.

This dynamic resonates with me and I recognise how difficult it is to actually make the decision, as well as the peace it finally brings.

it continues to be difficult at times, and they may well try to reel you back in. Keep this thread saved and read it back as needed to remind yourself why you did this in the first place. Sending lots of love and strength. It sounds like you have done the right thing for your family as well as yourself.