AIBU about how DH handled our toddler at 2am

[Reignop]

I’m very tired so apologies if this doesn’t come out very clearly. Just wanted a bit of perspective really because I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or if it actually was a bit off.

We have a 3 year old who has never slept brilliantly (up early, random night wakes etc) and also 4 month old twins. As you can imagine nights are not exactly peaceful here at the moment. Last night had already been a bit rough with the twins waking twice and I had only just got back into bed when our toddler started crying around 2am. With him it tends to escalate quite quickly if you don’t go in fairly soon, he gets himself into a proper state. I was getting up but DH went in first. I could hear him from our room and he sounded really annoyed, saying things like “for gods sake just go to sleep” quite loudly. Then toddler just completely lost it, proper hysterical screaming not just crying. When I went in he was standing up in the cot looking really upset and DH looked furious tbh. I picked toddler up and he clung to me and was shaking a bit which didn’t feel nice to see. DH then started saying this is ridiculous and that we can’t keep rushing in every night and we’re making a rod for our own backs etc. I said maybe this conversation can happen in the morning and he just sort of huffed and left. It then took me ages to calm toddler down and get him back to sleep, nearly an hour, and during that one of the twins woke again so by the time everything was sorted it was after 3 and I was basically done in.

This morning DH is acting like nothing really happened and says he was just tired and frustrated and that toddlers do need to learn sometimes. I do get that everyone is exhausted but our toddler looked genuinely scared and it’s stuck with me a bit this morning. AIBU to think the way he handled it wasn’t ok even if it was 2am and we’re all shattered. Or am I just over tired and making more of it than it is.

I think you're overtired and overthinking. I think you are right that the conversation should be had about a consistent approach in the morning.
Toddler with a new sibling (or two) is going to be disregulated with new siblings so consistency is key
Your DH didn't lose his temper - he expressed frustration. We're all human and people struggle in the middle of the night. Sleep deprivation is actually torture!
Have a chat tonight before everyone goes to bed. Come up with a plan and then start implementing it on Friday evening (so you have Saturday and Sunday when your husband will be around and not working - assuming you are on mat leave).
Be consistent. Stick with it.

This too shall pass.

Everyone is shattered. The toddler was probably shattered and just wanted some comfort. My DH is the same... apparently he "doesn't cope well with the awakenings or early mornings". Yeah mate, I'm not fond of them either but it's called parenting.

Imagine being 2 or 3, waking up (due to no fault of your own) and being all alone... calling out to make sure a caregiver is actually there and being met with conplete anger by your parent. The child hasn't a clue what's happening or why Daddy is angry. Thus getting more frantic. I'm not saying let the kid mess about and play or anything, but a quick cuddle and comfort when he wakes Will probably settle him quicker.

My toddler used to wake every 45mins, then every hour, etc etc. Hes just turned 2 now and has just started sleeping through the night fully. It's perfectly normal.

Your husband needs to grow up. You're tired too and can't be trying to spin all the plates because he can't regulate himself.

Sounds pretty normal tbh OP. We have twins and it was stressful at night when they were young, and that's without adding a toddler to the mix. I'm sure both of us have said similar stuff in the thick of the exhaustion.

I think your both extremely tired. Have you got any family you can call in to try & help to give you both a good sleep?
in a way your DH is correct, you are making a rod out of your own back toddler does need to learn to sleep through/self settle and he picked the wrong time to say that.

Could you try and tag team the night a little bit for now. One of you head to bed early and get 4-5 hours solid sleep and then switch over in the early hours so you both get some solid rest?
And be kind to one another. You’re in the trenches just now with 3 under 3. It will get easier in time. But you need to give yourselves grace and it’s ok to be frustrated.

So your husband got to go back to sleep after distressing the baby until he was trembling, leaving you to deal with a hysterical child?

Ask him to be very specific about exactly what the child has 'learned' from last night. A kid does not learn to sleep from an adults anger, that makes no sense.

YABU. He didn't handle it perfectly but it didn't cross a line. People, including parents, aren't at their best when exhausted. He may have a point about how you're handling it, you need to have a discussion about how you can manage it going forward. There may be better strategies to help him sleep through the night. Waking up regularly at age 3 isn't typical behaviour and does need addressing in time for him starting school. Otherwise, he is likely to be very tired and not ready to learn.

If a mum friend came to me and told me this I’d give her a big hug and tell her that she’s doing her best and nights can be hard, especially with twins too.

You are both tired and sometimes it’s normal to feel angry. I’m a mum to a toddler and sometimes I feel similar to your DH.

Id speak to DH today about the evenings and work as a team x

I have seen similar threads when it has been the Mum posting to express her guilt about shouting in the middle of the night. She is always met with a great deal of sympathy and understanding. Being tired and it being the middle of the night is hard on everyone.

You’re both tired and it sounds really tough. Broken sleep can really push people.

I think it's best to leave things that happen in the night when everyone is tired. You've mentioned it to him and he's explained what happened. All you can do is try and come up with a plan for nights that might help (we tag teamed who slept where)

He isn’t starting school next year. He won’t be starting until 2027 and we are actually waiting on some assessments at the moment so sleep is one of the things already being looked at.

Also if anyone has made a rod for their own back it’s DH frankly. For months he would take him downstairs in the middle of the night and let him play. I said repeatedly that it would confuse him and that night time needed to stay boring and quiet but he still did it.

So I don’t really think it’s fair to then turn round and take his frustration out on DS at 2am because the situation he helped create is now difficult. DS is 3. He’s not doing it to be difficult.

Yanbu. If he isn't contrite about frightening his small child instead of comforting them, this would absolutely cross a line for me. My DH did this once when ours were little and I made it very clear that if he couldn't deal with the kids without verbally abusing them, I would chuck him out.

Your DH needs to address this in himself. Three is still very little.

That level of exhaustion will push anyone to the end of their patience. I don’t think your DH did anything wrong really. If you hadn’t stepped in I wonder whether his approach might have worked, instead it took you another hour to settle the 3 yr old.
What you definitely don’t want is to create a situation whereby dad tries to settle any of the children and it can’t work because they believe if they cry long enough then mum will come in and cuddle instead.
With three children in three years I agree with the previous suggestion someone has made of splitting the night shifts. You and all children go to bed by 8pm and you get a solid few hours while DH can be responsible for all of the wakings until 1am, then he can sleep from 1am until morning while you take over the early hours wakings. This time will pass!

Being tired in the middle.of the night is absolutely hard on everyone. Sleep deprivation is an actual form of torture used in some countries.

But if DH can't handle himself better... its just pushing even more work on his already tired wife. She had to calm the toddler, after seeing to twins a few times already, whilst he got to go back to bed for himself and she was straight back in dealing with the babies again after.

Divide and conquer only works if one parent isn't making the situation harder on the other.

I think at 3 they really should just be able to be told to get back to bed.

No-one handles things at their best at 2am when they're tired.

You need to sit down and have a calm conversation during the day about what your plans are for trying to make sure your DC and you both can get enough sleep. With 4 month old twins that's probably not going to be an ideal amount for either of you in the immediate term, but think about things you can do that would allow both of you the chance to get a decent night's unbroken rest some nights. That could be co-sleeping with the toddler, a grandparent helping out, you or DH having a night in a separate room with ear buds in or even a night away.

I didn't have the twin element to deal with but the way DH and I got through this phase was to take half the night each going to bed at 8pm with one on call 8pm-1.30am and the other 1.30am-7am. If both kids woke at the same time, it was tricky, don't know how that would be possible with 3.

This. He needs to hold it together [unless he wants to do the twins] and the fastest way to resettle a toddler is to calmly deal with it .

Is there space in the toddlers room for a bed or blow up mattress. He could co-sleep but in my experience that really is making a rod for your back and where does it ever end with twins following up.

I regularly just dealt with the night wakening by settling myself onto a sofa bed in the same room in order to get some sleep. Toddler is reassured but life is boring as hell watching a parent snore. A proper pillow, a warm duvet and sometimes a moving nightlight is enough too. We persisted with the sleeping bag for far too long.

No one is right or wrong here... Or rather everyone is in a way.

You can't be rational at 2am after being woken repeatedly, after months or years of bad sleep. Yes he could have done better, but he is also right that it's not sustainable. You are also right that it's not really your DS's fault, and that maybe your husband did not manage this properly in the past by allowing him to get out of bed to play.
You're both wrong to think the other is completely unreasonable, and not talk enough about it.

Ultimately, you can all be right at the same time, and you call all be a bit unreasonable (including your toddler!).

It sounds like you and your husband don't have a common, agreed way to manage this situation. I think you need to sit down and talk (not at 2am...). Find your common goal (what good looks like in 3-4 months), discuss a few different approaches, which one to try first...

And maybe also whether there is any way to make things easier in the meantime (e.g. can one of you manage toddler Vs babies? Or split the night? Alternate sleep in spare bedroom?)

A massive hug for you, OP. I let out a genuine groan of sympathy when I read that you have younger twins too.
My DD is also 3, also a poor sleeper and always has been, but we don't have other children to consider. For all that my lot is easier than yours, there are nights when I've stood outside DDs room nearly in tears and said "Oh My God! Just lie down and go to sleep!" in a tone that was not at all helpful.
That said, when DH has done the same, I fly out of our room and scoop my precious baby up, glaring at him like "She's just a child, Gary! Calm yourself down!" 😂
So I definitely understand why and how your DH could snap, and also your deeply protective reaction to him doing so.
Go easy on both of you. He's trying his best and so are you and this time will pass.

I think it’s normal to lose it at your kids in the middle of the night when everyone is severely sleep deprived. While I don’t think losing it at a child in the night will make them pop off to sleep, I think, within boundaries, it’s not a bad thing for children to see when there behaviour is really having an impact. At three years old, there can definitely be expectations that he can comprehend.

I'll admit I ended up cosleeping. Kicked my husband to the spare room initially when baby was young (husband snored, I breastfed, I didn't need him overnight and I got rest early evenings instead when he took over). Then we invested in a double floor bed. Hes just turned 2 now and sleeps through from 8pm to 6.30am. But it took awhile.

My DH would throw a strop, be annoyed taht he was up, say things like "well can't keep on liek this", "he just needs to sleep" etc... all the while it was suffering exhaustion, and a quick kiss and cuddle got my kid back to sleep and eventually sleeping longer stints. My husbands approach meant that the child would scream the place down, get overheated, and be out of sorts for days.

This isn't an older child acting up. It's a tiny toddler looking for comfort. I see in another comment the OP has said the toddler is being assessed and their sleep is being looked at as part of this which is another reason why the caregivers just need to find a way to regulate.

Theres been a few times where I just got so exhausted and felt myself spiralling that I would make my DH get out of bed and take the now toddler downstairs for an hour so I could sleep before facing into the day. The trick is learning to control theee emotions in front of the child.

Aw bless the wee toot. My 3 year old still wakes too. We just let him get in bed with us.
My 1st son was like your getting up in the night and playing hes a wonderful sleeper at 8 now so it does come to an end but its for you to decide how gently that happens.
Was he helping with the twins too? I know i get arsey on little sleep

Same as you, it was easier to go in straight away & give them a little patting, shushing back to sleep before they fully wake up.

Your DH approach didn’t help anyone… Especially you who then had to deal with the fall-out. My DH does this a lot as well.

I sometimes wonder how after more than five years he still hasn’t figured out how babies / toddlers / children actually work.

Co-slept here mostly, so DH had his own bed. Couldn’t be doing with it at night. But, you have the twins! He needs to buck up!

This is an excellent post. I must admit I can't really hide my frustration well when DS7 comes down to our room and looms like something out of a horror film - he has a mattress on our floor for if he has a nightmare but sometimes he just lurks, especially as my sleep is shot due to perimenopause. The main thing is don't turn on each other - you need each other!