AIBU about how DH handled our toddler at 2am

[Reignop]

I’m very tired so apologies if this doesn’t come out very clearly. Just wanted a bit of perspective really because I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or if it actually was a bit off.

We have a 3 year old who has never slept brilliantly (up early, random night wakes etc) and also 4 month old twins. As you can imagine nights are not exactly peaceful here at the moment. Last night had already been a bit rough with the twins waking twice and I had only just got back into bed when our toddler started crying around 2am. With him it tends to escalate quite quickly if you don’t go in fairly soon, he gets himself into a proper state. I was getting up but DH went in first. I could hear him from our room and he sounded really annoyed, saying things like “for gods sake just go to sleep” quite loudly. Then toddler just completely lost it, proper hysterical screaming not just crying. When I went in he was standing up in the cot looking really upset and DH looked furious tbh. I picked toddler up and he clung to me and was shaking a bit which didn’t feel nice to see. DH then started saying this is ridiculous and that we can’t keep rushing in every night and we’re making a rod for our own backs etc. I said maybe this conversation can happen in the morning and he just sort of huffed and left. It then took me ages to calm toddler down and get him back to sleep, nearly an hour, and during that one of the twins woke again so by the time everything was sorted it was after 3 and I was basically done in.

This morning DH is acting like nothing really happened and says he was just tired and frustrated and that toddlers do need to learn sometimes. I do get that everyone is exhausted but our toddler looked genuinely scared and it’s stuck with me a bit this morning. AIBU to think the way he handled it wasn’t ok even if it was 2am and we’re all shattered. Or am I just over tired and making more of it than it is.

Sound advice.

Honestly, most of us have done it. I had a terrible sleeper…absolutely terrible. He would be awake for 2 hours screaming in the middle of the night. There was a 6 month period when it was night after night. It was genuinely awful and I vividly remember screaming at him one night. I went downstairs immediately and cried. I felt absolutely wretched.
But I was exhausted. Totally spent.
I said sorry several times (don’t think he knew why 😂) and we moved on. We put a better tag team system in place after that so we were both getting periods of undisturbed sleep.

We are often like this during the night tbh due to DC2’s terrible sleep. I had a breakdown last year from physical exhaustion.

We have a rule where we just don’t take anything seriously that we say out of exhaustion in the middle of the night.

Exactly. I didn't say anything about floor mattresses - you just can't tell parents that if they'd only routined as good as you routined they'd have 12 hour sleepers because it's complete and utter bollocks.

We've always settled our DS in his own bed but when he was 3 he would scream (in a terraced house) if we left the room so we stayed til he fell asleep. Don't think my neighbours would have appreciated the foghorn, sorry, "little cry".

Oh give over. Needs parenting classes because he was annoyed at 2AM when their son was acting up 🙄

What an overreaction. Your DH was tired and pissed off. Your child was overwrought and will be ok. Small children do get scared and confused - it’s part of growing up. Adults live in the real world with responsibility. Try and be a team rather than criticising your DH.

Speak to DH over the weekend. Explain to the twat that acting like that with a young child (at 3 he's well past being a toddler) is only going to frighten him & make it worse.

You're right, DH made it much worse taking him downstairs to play for months on end.

DS is struggling/coping/dealing with a huge upheaval in his life that he didn't ask for - twin siblings! Sleep regression is not unusual, even in previously 'good' sleepers.

Have you considered moving DS into a bed. You could put a stair gate across his doorway if you wanted him contained. A cot doesn't give him much room to move about & he could be being woken up by knocking himself on the bars (hands, feet)

this too shall pass...and believe it or not, when they're all teenagers you'll wish you could go back 🤗

My DH used to say that the human race wouldn’t have survived if their survival had been dependent on parents being rational at 2 in the morning. It’s worth thinking about.
The other point is that if you want your husband to take his turn looking after the children then you shouldn’t be telling him how to do it or interfering when he does. He will soon learn that he can’t do it right so won’t do it at all. Then you will be left with all the children all the time. It’s your choice.

She was getting up anyway to get the toddler... he just got there first to wind the kid up!

He should not have gotten angry and absolutely he escalated the situation. But I sympathise with him too, and with you OP of course. It's incredibly tough. I don't know any mother who didn't do something unsafe and stupid, or irrational and angry at some point. Many fathers have rushed home to a sobbing hysterical exhausted mother who hit her meltdown moment. Unfortunately when men have their meltdown moment it's often in the presence of their partner and they usually don't get hugs and sympathy but get criticised.

I'd let this one go and have a chat when he is in good form about a strategy for you both. Dh and I agreed if we reached meltdown point where we are shouting at a baby or toddler, we would call the other person, no judgment, and self regulate alone. I'd recommend you try something like this. I've been there OP, I'm also a mum of 3 with a single and twins and I feel for you i really do.

Everyone's tired and people do stupid stuff when tired, DH was wrong and he knows it no need to rub it in. Try to have a calm non confrontational talk, no one knows how to be a parent, my eldest made me frantic, my 2nd and third DC had to be woken up to feed. It will all change sooner than you think. I remember sitting there on Christmas morning at 5 when they were all little then having to force lazy teenagersout of bed to open presents. You will fond a way. Be kind to each other.

But the DH needed to calm his toddlers nervous system so he'd be more likely to settle. He did exactly the opposite, shouting when the toddler was already distressed so instantly created a massive job for the OP to now settle a toddler who had been way more over stimulated than he needed to be. She was just left with the consequences while already sleep deprived, with other babies to care for through the night.

I feel for you OP, can you explain it to him in these terms? Everyone can have a human reaction but only if they're not going to leave their partner with clearing up the mess.