AIBU about how DH handled our toddler at 2am

[Reignop]

I’m very tired so apologies if this doesn’t come out very clearly. Just wanted a bit of perspective really because I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or if it actually was a bit off.

We have a 3 year old who has never slept brilliantly (up early, random night wakes etc) and also 4 month old twins. As you can imagine nights are not exactly peaceful here at the moment. Last night had already been a bit rough with the twins waking twice and I had only just got back into bed when our toddler started crying around 2am. With him it tends to escalate quite quickly if you don’t go in fairly soon, he gets himself into a proper state. I was getting up but DH went in first. I could hear him from our room and he sounded really annoyed, saying things like “for gods sake just go to sleep” quite loudly. Then toddler just completely lost it, proper hysterical screaming not just crying. When I went in he was standing up in the cot looking really upset and DH looked furious tbh. I picked toddler up and he clung to me and was shaking a bit which didn’t feel nice to see. DH then started saying this is ridiculous and that we can’t keep rushing in every night and we’re making a rod for our own backs etc. I said maybe this conversation can happen in the morning and he just sort of huffed and left. It then took me ages to calm toddler down and get him back to sleep, nearly an hour, and during that one of the twins woke again so by the time everything was sorted it was after 3 and I was basically done in.

This morning DH is acting like nothing really happened and says he was just tired and frustrated and that toddlers do need to learn sometimes. I do get that everyone is exhausted but our toddler looked genuinely scared and it’s stuck with me a bit this morning. AIBU to think the way he handled it wasn’t ok even if it was 2am and we’re all shattered. Or am I just over tired and making more of it than it is.

YANBU. shouting at a poor innocent toddler? Not cool at all. Poor thing.
when I had new babies my husband slept with the older children. In a big bed in a different room to me. Saved my sanity and my sleep. Eased their transition from not being the baby any more. There was no tears and they were never alone and upset at night.
so the only thing waking me at might was my baby looking to breastfeed. Who I kept next to me all night so I didn’t have to get out of my own bed at all.
older children slept great next to daddy. As they got older he’d transfer them out when they were asleep into their beds-but only when they were old enough to potter back into daddy or me when they needed us.

I lost my mind when my eldest was a baby. I'd quite often end up just screaming and wailing overnight with sleep deprivation. The neighbour heard my screeching one night. I can't even remember if there were words or just really loud sobs. I was very unwell with pnd. But basically, you're both beyond exhausted and you don't need to take anything like exasperation to heart when you're in the trenches. I obviously used to look after my son, just be having a meltdown while I did it. Now I can barely remember that version of myself x

Oh dear, didn't mean to sound judgemental. I totally coslept with my first child in the spare room but once she was a toddler she'd spend the night in washing machine mode between the two of us so no one got any sleep.

Once second child turned up the prospect of co-sleeping for 4 of us in one bed ... not for me. So we resorted to sleeping in the same room so they'd get used to settling in their own bed. Doesn't work as fast as just tucking them in bed beside you so you have to stick at it but we got there.

DC2 was a better sleeper and went into the toddlers room when she was 6 months and weirdly that seemed to really sort it. The "party" [that DC1 wasn't invited to] wasn't happening in our room and it was rare that they woke each other. We could do bedtime stories at the same time, I could do a dream feed in a chair later and DC2 slept through very quickly. They shared a room until covid when spending all day and night together got old pretty quickly but they were 7 and 9 by then so we had a good innings.

Oh no, i didn't think you sounded judgemental at all 😂

I never ever thought I'd cosleep. But after months of exhaustion, and the prospect of having to go back to work I just had to give in.

Everyone told me I created a rod for my own back but not one of those people offered assistance EVER overnight or even during the day so feck them 😂

You do what you need to do to survive sometimes.

When DS was 3 they were in a bed. We had a mattress on the floor next to our bed they just came in and went straight to sleep. We did what we had to do to get some sleep. I also had twins the same age as your twins too.

What part of aged 3 is he? Just turned 3, or is he close to being 4?

I would imagine sometime through out being 3 is the time they really could get themselves back to bed unless they need help with the toilet or something.

Are the twins waking the toddler?

No big comments to make on your other half, it's unfortunate but it's very easy to snap when sleep deprived and he clearly thinks the eldest could be doing more to sooth themselves, which is perfectly fair.

Not a hill I'd die on for a one time mistake.

Saying for gods sake go to sleep left a toddler scared? I think you’re overtired and overthinking it.
Being gentle and appeasing isn’t always the best route, I have 4DC and none woke through the night beyond 1, seems so common place on MN, routine and consistency between you both or you’re going to end up with 3 waking up all of the time.

I’m going to echo all the PPs who are saying he kind to yourselves and each other. You are both exhausted and sleep deprived. None of my three were good sleepers despite us trying everything known to man. I think sleep really is all luck.

We had three under three. First 4 years nearly killed us. We made it through and so will you.

Both me and my husband snapped more than we would've liked. Both said things.

If your husband is usually ok, just think the best and know it gets easier.

Could you have an element of guilt that you weren't there to comfort your toddler sooner yourself? Because it can seem like youre being torn in three different directions and always letting someone down. Maybe you dont, just something to think about.

Would you like a medal for having good sleepers?

Well aren’t you perfect op.
if I was woken up at 2am I would be irritated too. Your 3yo needs to taught to self settle. No wonder hd goes into tantrum mode, if you rush in. What’s your big plan when your twins are doing the same?

It's nothing to do with "routine". You can routine until the cows come home but some children will wake at the end of their sleep cycles with the instinct that they'd be safer with a parent in the room. You can't lavender bubble bath and Gro-clock your way out of it.

No, a 3yo does not need to be taught to self settle. That's your choice to sleep train, not everyone has the same opinion.

If you cant handle being woken up at night by children... maybe don't choose to be a parent.

I think speaking harshly to a 3yo at 2am, whilst not necessarily laudable, is understandable. Your child was distressed because he was expecting / wanting comfort and he got harsh words. It's not ideal but it's really not the end of the world and I know I have acted similarly on occasion.

Hi OP,

I also have a toddler who has just turned 3 and twins (although my twins are 9 months now), so I think I’m the same as you but a little bit further along. Our toddler sleeps really well generally but when the twins were born we had a bit of a regression of about 4 months and were often up in the night with him- our twins sleep has also been really bad and we used to have to take it in turns to basically be up all night in their room resettling constantly. They do sleep now, we got a bit of help with gentle sleep training.

im just posting really to show solidarity! There have been so many times do both me and my husband where we’ve been so angry with each other (which is unusual for us). It’s always been at night when we’re having a bad night or are on edge about someone waking up (or worse, one of the twins crying then waking the other and then them both crying waking the toddler). I think so long as you’re generally happy in your relationship you he best thing to do is to just accept that you’ll have these moments and things will get tense sometimes, but that everyone is very stressed at the moment and it will get better. Having said that that, my husband finds it harder to manage his emotions than I do and there have been numerous times where I’ve had to step in and take over, and just ask him to leave the room. I really hate him in those moments but then I’ve found that showing more compassion has allowed us both to just let things go a bit more, which is what we need to do to get by.

when everyone is calm and we get moments to ourselves when we’re calm we can talk things through and do planning for how we manage night times. We have also had paid help for getting sleep in track. Which helped us to keep working together as the same team. More recently I’ve started working again so we’ve been able to have a few days of annual leave just us which has massively helped our relationship.

I'm sorry, this must be exhausting. It's one of the reasons I didn't have another child till the older one was 5. He will be 6 in the summer and still comes to our bed at night sometimes. Can you get your toddler a toddler bed, so that instead of crying, he can come in himself when he needs it? Sometimes I don't even realise my child has come, I just wake up with him by my side.

@NinerainbowsNever had a grow clock or lavender baths, if they woke they were settled in their own bed, no in bed with me or bloody mattress on floor. I’m sorry but the absolute rigmarole parents are putting themselves through because they don’t want little Jimmy to ever cry, every little sound does not need attention!

The OP clearly stated the toddler is in his own bed (cot) in his own room...?

@BudgetBusterwould like on for snark? Parents are killing themselves because they wont allow a child to make a sound without running to them, leave them for a few minutes, it’s not cruel. They soon learn if they fuss mum will appear. My youngest is 20 and when she was small none of the mums co slept or had mattress next to them.

Definitely a day time chat. You’re both overtired.

Back to bed just needs to be boring and quiet. He wakes, tuck back up goodnight.

Getting out of bed unless it’s nappy/toilet or they are sick shouldn’t happen as that creates a thing and makes them more awake.

Just reassurance that you heard them, you are still there love you night night.

Not sure that he did anything too bad however unless he was shouting at your toddler. It’s ok to be frustrated and would you just sleep is just an exhausted parent.

Ah you're "snarky rebuttal" would have been much better with correct grammar.

Just because YOUR children, and some people you know did it one way, doesn't mean someone else's is wrong?

I know plenty of people whose children have slept through or slept relatively well from early on. My child has been hospitalised from crying from exhaustion... so actually it is cruel to let him cry. Some children have reflux issues and need a bit more holding or comforting. Some children ultimately end up with autism or ADHD diagnoses etc that inherently come with sleep issues but these are unknown or undiagnosed at birth.

What is detrimental is telling a sleep deprived parent, at their wits end, to just let their child cry so they'll eventually know they just have to get on with it. Clearly the OP isn't sleep training and that's her perrogative.

It’s is so normal for toddlers to wake up still. Hard but normal. My daughter is 3 and 5 months. We bed share as it was easier for breastfeeding and we all got more sleep. They want connection. She still wakes some nights and wants a drink or a wee or a hug. Recently she has been having nightmares. There is no “rod for your own back” it’s such a stupid saying. We as adults sleep with another adult but expect our babies to sleep alone and not need that connection!!!!

Is it easy no. And I’ve not handled all nights perfectly. There have been nights I’ve been so exhausted (I have insomnia) that I just couldn’t handle it and my husband took over. But the difference is here I acknowledged my mistake.

You guys are obviously in the trenches right now with 2 babies and a toddler. Sleep deprivation is an awful thing. I would definitely speak about it again.

By the sound of it you want to be pissed off at him about it, so have at it.

Honestly the only thing wrong is our culture.

a little tiny 3yo wants it’s parents. He should be in a little bed beside your bed so that you only need to extend your arm if he needs you. It’s our culture that leads us to think this is in some way wrong. I’ve never understood our culture. When mine were baby and toddler, we put them both in with us. No other furniture in room. It was essentially a dorm room for several years. And it was good. And both are happy adults even tho one is autistic.

The rigmarole parents put themselves through because they love their children and want them to feel safe and loved?? What a strange view you have.