I can’t cope with DD2s constant complaining anymore

[Bingbangbongbosh]

Hi all,

I have 3 DC, my eldest D1 is 23, she has a different dad from my other 2 children and she now lives abroad. I then have DD2 who is 17 and DS who is 15. Their dad and I got divorced 6 years ago.

Over the last 6 months I have found DD2 incredibly difficult to live with, she is constantly putting herself down, the rest of the family down and generally just being impossible to manage. She’s in Y12, she did well in her GCSEs and was a happy kid prior to this.

The first thing is she is obsessed with her looks, I think she is beautiful, but she is insistent she is ugly, fat and it’s my fault as I chose to have her with her “ugly” dad. This results in her constantly comparing herself to her sister. My older daughter is tall and skinny, she always has been but she’s also very active and eats well. Her dad is Spanish and she got her skin tone from him. DD2 is forever (I mean daily) saying she hates me for having her with an ugly man, it’s not fair that DD1 is prettier etc. I try to tell her she is stunning and she needs to stop being so harsh on herself and I’m sure DD1 has insecurities too, but she doesn’t listen. She is a little overweight, this is mainly as she is very lazy, she gets the bus to school even though it’s only a 30 minute walk, she eats crap at lunch time even if I offer to help pack her a lunch she just uses money her dad gives her to go to Greggs or McDonalds.

The next issue is DD1 has a Spanish passport from her dad, she’s currently living and working in Portugal as a result. DD2 is constantly telling me how unfair it is she doesn’t have an EU passport and is trapped here, she gets quite angry at me, like it was my choice!

She’s also very messy, her room is a constant mess, I’ve banned food from upstairs but she just sneaks it up in her backpack so the floor is covered in clothes, wrappers and general rubbish.

In addition to all this, she keeps putting DS down saying no one likes him, people think he’s weird/geeky etc. I have told her to stop saying this but she doesn’t listen. It’s hard to punish her as her dad pays her phone so I can’t remove it without causing an argument with him about how I have no right to do that.

She also never keeps to curfew, if I ban her from going out she just goes to her dads and he lets her out. Any conversation with him about her behaviour is met with she’s fine with me and I will parent her however I like when she is with me.

She keeps threatening me anytime I tell her off, saying she will just move in with her dad permanently! I’m so tempted to say fine do so! The constant moaning, comparing and breaking of rules is getting me down, it upsets DS and my older DD has said she hates coming home when she knows DD2 is there as she is just going to be called stupid, too skinny, and be moaned at.

AIBU to be at my wits end with her? Should I let her go stay with her dad and see if he can sort this more than I can?

It sounds like she needs a lot of support with her self esteem right now... is it suddenly hitting her that she will be an adult soon and make adult decisions, and she's feeling the pressure of it all?

What happened in her life six months ago?

What could be making her as unhappy as she clearly is?

The only change was moving into Y12, but it’s the same school, mostly the same people as not many left or joined.
I have offered to get her therapy but she just tells me there is nothing wrong with her and she wouldn’t go if I paid for it.

Is there a pastoral lead or tutor you could speak to at her school? I'd be concerned about whether something has happened in college. Is she interacting with new friends, or have former friends left and she's now isolated? Has she been interacting with anyone new online? Had a breakup you don't know about? Etc

Given that it's only been six months (I know "only" sounds awful here because it is a long time, but it's also not in the grand scheme of things iyswim!), I have a suspicion that telling her to go and live with dad would be a huge mistake. I think she needs love bombing and patience. I'd treat the bad behaviour almost as I would treat a toddler's - ignore the tantrums, calmly state the boundaries, etc.

It does sound like she needs some therapy, however you have offered it and it’s just another thing to complain about.
Id start just turning it round and asking her what does she think can be done to fix her complaint. Point out she’s nearly an adult and is responsible for her own happiness and that you are happy to be a sounding board for her solutions.

For a year ds chose to live with his df full time at 14.
Df allowed drink and drugs. And girls staying over..
Then ds realised he needed an actual parent.. Maybe call dd's bluff.

I mean, some of it is normal 17 year old stuff but calling her brother weird and telling him no-one likes him and calling her sister stupid and 'too skinny' is horrible. The next time she speaks about or to anyone like that, I would tell her that is the last time. No excuses for that.

The rest of it I would probably let go over my head or give very short, detached replies to.

What kid that age doesn’t threaten to live with dad? Why don’t you just let her? She’ll be back soon enough when she realises the grass is far from greener, maybe with a better attitude. Not all crap behaviour from teens is about ND, trauma or other terrible things. Sometimes they’re just being dicks and she’s being rotten to her brother. My sister went to our dads about her age, lasted a week and wanted home. My mum made her stick it out another couple before letting her come home. Problem solved.

I was also very miserable at this age, also a bit over weight and probably unbearable really. What does she do for activities or part time work? I think her self esteem could really improve with some responsibilities. Looking back on it, I had too much time moping about on my own being miserable, I wasn’t encouraged to do anything. Focussing outwards and being involved in lots of things like sports, volunteering or working can really help with not being so introspective.

Why is the answer to everything therapy??

Call her bluff, tell her to go and live with her Dad.

Stop bloody pandering to her.

When she is rude to your other children, pull her up on it!

Self esteem, she sounds like a stroppy teenager to me

Yeah, I dont think this requires therapy etc. She’s 17 and is full of raging hormones, surrounded by others going through the same etc. She won’t think reasonably most of the time.
I really dont think you should be telling her she’s stunning though as that re emphasises the whole body image focus. You can definitely pull her up when she calls herself ugly etc but swiftly move it onto other positive things
Re the bedroom - this is way the toddler days come around again! Boundaries need setting and sticking to, with consequences, no matter how tedious it is for you.

Let her stay with her dad for a bit tbh, she'll soon want to come home.

Would the dad be so anti-consequence if he knew what she was actually saying about him?

Your daughter needs to understand that without her exact dad, she wouldn't actually exist at all.

I find with children, there's usually an underlying issue that is causing them to irrationally lash out at home. Is she finding year 12 difficult; her studies perhaps or her friendship group - ie. she doesn't feel she fits in properly, is there possibly bullying going or has she been left out? She sounds as though she's hurting in someway.

Having experienced this with my two at some stage, I now, sit them down and say 'right let's just get to the heart of the problem, tell me what's going on, what's upsetting you and I'll try to help you. Let's not waste time arguing when we can be sorting out the issue'.

I was surprised it actually worked. But, I knew from being a horrid teenager myself it was never about the issue I was shouting about, that's just the anger and upset building up and I lashed out, but no one ever thought to ask me or tried to help me, they just thought I was horrid to them. My mum used to call me 'house devil, street angel'.

Good luck!

Tell her to fuck off to her dads then.

You’ve been supportive and offered solutions. She’s been a twat about it.

Therapy and pandering is just another reason why we have an entire generation of soft snowflakes that can’t cope with any criticism or have any resilience. She’s 17, not 5.

Let her piss off to her dads, enjoy the peace for a while, and she will soon come crawling back when she realizes that no boundaries and just throwing money at things doesn’t equal any emotional investment or security.

She obviously views her elder sister as being extremely successful - beautiful, living abroad etc. She presumably doesn’t see her often which always makes the idea more real than the reality. As she approaches adulthood this is feeling like too much to live up to and she fears she’s going to be a failure in comparison.

If you’d have had a child with a different man, she wouldn’t exist. Although you might not get the best reaction if you explain that to her.

One person does not get to make every other person in the house miserable. You other daughter is actively avoiding the house because of her
You don't need to listen to her whining, tell her to stop, tell her to write it down in a notebook, leave the room, don't provide an audience.

Living with her other parent sounds fine, accept her 'threat' to move out.

I’d try to find out if something started all this off. She sounds like she has very low self-esteem and is miserable. Is it school? Friends? Someone she likes but who doesn’t like her romantically? Is she worried about exams? Applying to uni/getting a job?

I wouldn’t encourage her to go to her dad’s before I’d tried to help her. Can you take her out for a coffee, lunch or walk, etc, and have an honest talk where you mainly listen?

I got quite depressed at a similar age. I don’t know why. I’m not even sure there was an obvious reason. I do think, looking back, it largely stemmed from worry about the future. I didn’t lash out verbally at others but I was definitely miserable and not myself.

The fact she is 17, stroppy, full of hormones and hates the world!

First things first, you’ve said she eats a lot of junk, and doesn’t exercise, how is her sleep? What is her Internet use like?

It sounds like she could benefit from a re-set away from her usual routines.

Could you afford to take her away with you on a mini-break, even just a weekend, where you eat healthily, exercise together, swim and talk? If not that, a cheap B&B in the countryside might work where she forgets about her looks and you go walking, maybe ride a horse or glamp? Something totally outside of her comfort zone. You might have to be quite firm at the beginning to break through her resistance.

It doesn’t matter what it is really but first rule of parenting a teen is that you have to lean in when they are being a pita because what they are displaying outwardly is just a fraction of what they are feeling inside.

Really talk to her op and even though you are massively frustrated with her moaning, approach it from the pov of you “love her too much to see her this unhappy”.

Even if she hates going away with you, she will clock that you have taken the time to be with her and that you care and love her. And it should provide the opportunity for some unrushed conversations on neutral ground.

Get her a gratitude journal. Apparently there is evidence it changes your brain chemistry if you write down three things you are grateful for every night.

Somehow you have to convince her of her own unique worth and tell her that comparing herself to someone else all of the time is a fool’s errand because there is always someone more beautiful and brighter and wealthier. And that will be the case for her sister who lives abroad too.

You have to tell her that her inner character is more important than looks and an acceptance that we are not perfect is helpful because we all have to do our best with what we have.

To me it sounds like she could almost be bordering on depression op. It might be worth getting her six sessions with a private licensed psychologist if possible, someone who works with adolescents but it must be someone with whom she clicks, so shop around.

Good luck op! I know probably the last thing you feel like doing is spending more time with her at the moment but it sounds like it might be needed.

Sorry I have just seen your update that she has rejected therapy op.

I agree with others that it’s not fair her behaviour is upsetting everyone in the house.

I think you might need to make therapy a condition of receiving her allowance or other events like sleepovers etc.

Well yeah but two things can be true at the same time 😂

OP says she was a happy kid until six months ago so something may have happened.

She obviously views her elder sister as being extremely successful - beautiful, living abroad etc.

What's her excuse for the way she behaves towards her brother? He may be the one deciding to go off to live with his dad if it continues.

And there is a whole lot of the world that isn't part of the EU that she doesn't need an EU passport to travel to.