To decline 24 month health check with HV?

[netballlls]

I had a really bad experience with my first HV when DC was born.

I would ask for advice and she would tell me to read the Red Book.
She was quite pushy and told us that it was the law to have a HV.
She insisted on looking in our bedroom and all around the house.

I had a very traumatic birth, required a transfusion etc and after a week long stay in hospital.

I didn't really feel like breastfeeding as I was ill and severely tired on antibiotics and she was basically telling me what to do which I didn't appreciate.

Ignored his severe acid reflux and at my persistence was diagnosed with CMPA with the GP.

She was useless.

I complained to her manager annd Opted Out and after the 2nd visit and never heard from her again.

I was bothered again when DC was 10 months old about the 12 month check and again was advised it was "mandatory".
This particular HV was quite intimidating on the phone and again a swift email to her manager stopped her contacting me.

We moved house last year and again I Opted Out but received 2/3 calls from the HV.
Wanted to come to the house.
Asked a lot of intrusive questions, again after I advised her I was Opting Out.

I haven't heard anything of her since last January and I don't want to have any more contact with them as I don't find them supportive but rather intimidating, pushy and nosey.
Any contact makes me quite anxious with them and brings back bad memories from the first one.

Would it flag up if i declined?
I am thinking of taking DC to the GP to see if they would be able to do the check.

AIBU?

I'm in the same situation (although my son is only 17 months at the moment). The 12 month check was done at 11 months and he scored low in most areas because he wasn't walking and talking at that point. I've had horrendous PND and it caused a major relapse in my mental health, as I felt that he (and by extension me) were being written off as failures. The worst part was when I asked what support was available they told me there was nothing! It was literally a case of 'we'll tell you everything's wrong and get you worried but won't actually do anything or offer any help.'

I was being seen by the Perinatal Mental Health team at that point and they thought that having the check was a mistake. I'm aware that the 2 year one is different though as I think there is help available at that point?

My son is doing fairly well now, but his communication is still behind (although nursery have no concerns). I do think based on this we probably should have the two year check but I'm torn because of my experience last time.

You might be able to request a different HV maybe? I'm also going to see if I can push the check a bit later, as I think having the 12 month one a month early wasn't helpful at all.

While you may find some of their questioning intrusive, they ask these questions for good reason. If there are social or mental health issues within the family it is really important that these are known about so that appropriate support and safeguarding can be put in place. I know it feels patronising and intrusive to you, as you know that your child is growing up in a safe and healthy environment. But there are too many children living in dysfunctional and even dangerous home environments, whose parents will opt out of health visiting to avoid any scrutiny, and if health visitors only ever responded with “Ok, no prob, we’ll never contact you again” then these children would be in danger. That’s why they can be a bit persistent. They are trying to figure out if your children are going to be safe, healthy and properly looked after in the absence of any external oversight, before they let them disappear off of their radar. If you’re a good, competent parent then try to remind yourself that this isn’t about/ for you really. It’s for the kids in unsafe/unhealthy environments who must not be allowed to slip through the cracks just because their parents have opted out.

Go to your GP if you have a concern, they can do a referral.

I understand you didn’t like her way but I don’t see that she did a single thing wrong (aside from the CMPA but you will be surprised at how commonly missed that is) Now it seems you are being obstructive for no reason. So what if she told you to read the red book? So what if she looked around the house? Asking in a ‘baby’ (soft) voice about your child’s father is to try and save women and children who are needing help. She isn’t judging you or your partner she is merely asking because if she doesn’t and things are missed we are the first to start shouting about how awful it is. I just told mine the truth about my life and circumstances, and was more than happy for her to take a look around. These actions save lives. Literally.

i can’t quite work out why you want to refuse an appointment for a child who you have concerns about and has no input from any professionals on his life, not even nursery. That is a massive red flag
and the very behaviour that makes them judge you.

Do you have social anxiety? It is really odd and not so healthy for your family to be so closed of to engaging with the usual agencies as a parent.

I find your posts really entitled too. Why should you book a special appointment with a Gp when that check up is supposed to be provided a designated HCP?

You don't feel like breastfeeding (no judgement) you don't feel like seeing the health visitor for your dc's check up yet you expect an important resource to just be given to you.

You are a taker imo.

And you are too sensitive for questions about your dc's health and wellbeing.

How are you going to advocate for your dc in the future? With nursery, pre school, school, doctors, teachers, others? It's called being grown up and a parent.

Your GP will not and should not do the 24 month check- not their job.

Especially as your child isn’t in nursery I would really recommend having the check done because there may be things they can pick up on that you miss just by not knowing to look for them.

What seems to you like pestering and nosiness is really safeguarding. Plenty of parents who opt out do so because they have something to hide and/or there are issues of neglect etc

The HV is doing their job to check bedrooms are appropriately set up, ask about feeding, checking the child’s welfare.

By the 2 year check up a lot of your reasons for the first visit being stressful aren’t there anymore - being postpartum, on antibiotics, struggling to breastfeed etc - so why not just suck it up for 15 minutes and make sure your child is developing normally?

I'm inclined to agree - having found something upsetting or difficult doesn't negate your responsibility to engage in what your child needs or is needed for your child. I think most of us who've parented for years will have had to do things that they found horrendously difficult

Could your H or even a friend take DC to the checkup? They would not be starting off stressed and anxious.

For 24 month check I was very proud of my little girl, and was looking forward to seeing how the tests went. She had had Whooping Cough but had recovered well.

We were in the waiting room for over two hours and I had a tired, fed up little girl with me by the time we were seen. And no, she did ok but nothing like she would have if we hadn't waited around so long.

The advice I was asking for breastfeeding and she told me to read the Red Book, no advice was given.
I had to find out all the info myself of numbers, support groups, GP etc.

The HV service is completely optional - something that they don't make clear and lead you to believe is mandatory as they did with me.

I didn't appreciate being told it was the law to have a HV when it isn't, that comment alone made me feel uncomfortable.

Just to add my son is also under the care of paediatrician for another issue, so he does see health professionals.

I completely understand safeguarding issues but my son see's the GP for any issues and the paediatrician.

And no I don't have social anxiety, I actually work in customer services, I have just been traumatised by my experiences with the HV team.

Traumatised by being told to read the red book and told something incorrect about HVs being mandatory? Crikey, you sound fragile

I declined mine, just said I didn’t have any concerns. They said that’s fine.

If you have concerns then it’s worth having the check done, especially as you are now in a different area so it’s different HVs.

HVs are like roulette - but given there is a chance these new ones could be good then with concerns it’s worth giving them the chance.

the GP won’t do the check, and depending on what your concern is they may just refer you to the HV.

You had one unhelpful HV, fine. But a medical professional is now available to check over your 2 year old and you'd rather reject the help for some non-reasons. Grow up and get your son checked out.

If you ever encountered one slightly annoying doctor, will you opt out of all medical care entirely?

You can’t go to your GP for a health visitor appointment, they aren’t the same role. They don’t get trained in the same things.
honestly it’s 20 mins of your life, you are being petulant

If you don’t have any concerns then decline the appointment.
If you have a concern then attend.
The GP will not do the review.

The HV arent being nosey for the fun of it. They ask these questions to find out if there are any issues they could possibly help with. Their main concern also is the child’s wellbeing.

if they don’t see a child and a parent just says no no no go away I don’t want to answer any questions or meet anyone or have anyone see my child - that is understandably going to set off alarm bells.
they aren’t going to turn around and say no probs, no one will ever want to check in on your child again.

also, feels like health professionals are damned if they do and damned if they don’t.
if they don’t ask about dads mental health - dad is being ignored and no one cares about men’s mental health. Then they do ask and now they’re patronising.
everyone moans about not getting a GP appt and GPs are lazy etc etc. then you want to take up 1+ appts (if will take much longer than 10 mins) to do a health check that GPs don’t do and that there are trained health professionals waiting and asking to do for your child!

the priority should be what’s in your child’s best interests. It is better for them to see a HV and have the check than not to.
you’d be denying your child that check for your own personal reasons, rather than what’s best for your child.

My comment was deleted presumably because I said ‘ffs’

However, perhaps more kindly, can you explain why you think your HV sounder job was ‘traumatic’ for you?

I can’t imagine they asked intrusive questions rather than merely the standard questions to get a picture of a child’s life and care.
The GP isn’t an alternative, they’re a different service.
I did actually decline the 2 y appointment for one of mine but it wasn’t my first child and I knew DC was ahead by all markers so there really would have been nothing to discuss.

It is a pointless and utterly waste of time. A basic tick box exercise. I did it just because I didn’t want to be bothered by them constantly contacting me. I do think for some people it may be helpful BUT as usual, anything done online is just useless unless the child is sitting right in front of you.

I declined a roughly 30 month check up for my daughter because it was difficult to schedule and I have no concerns about her at all (she's my second). We just had a chat over the phone which covered off the basics and that was that.

Is your dc on track with all vaccinations?

I’ve been on Mumsnet for years. I’ve read so many threads about HVs and I’ve come to several conclusions.

Firstly, HVs generally get a very negative press on here. It’s like many reviews though, many people only post if they are unhappy with something. All the people who had a good experience or an ok experience don’t usually bother to post.

Secondly, many people don’t realise how well qualified HVs are. They are registered nurses or midwives, who have completed a degree in public health and a lot of extra training in child health, prescribing prescriptions, child development, adult mental health, addiction, alcohol misuse, domestic abuse and safeguarding. A junior HV is a band six, which is the same band as a ward sister.

The role is constantly changing, with safeguarding becoming much more prominent in a HV’s daily work. The reasons for this are pretty obvious. If a child dies on a HV’s caseload the HV’s notes are seized and questions are asked. For example, “why wasn’t this child seen by the HV?” This is one reason a HV is so keen to see your child.

Lastly, there aren’t enough HVs in post and many have so many safeguarding cases, they struggle to cope.