If someone ghosted you during a really dark time, would you tell them how much it hurt when they later resurfaced?

[DreamyPeer]

When you were going through something really difficult and people you knew, who knew what was happening, disappeared or ignored you, even after you reached out.

If things later improved in your life and those same people resurfaced as if nothing had happened, would you tell them how much their silence hurt you?

Or would you just let it go and keep the peace?

Part of me feels like saying something would only reopen things but another part of me thinks silence lets people off the hook.

Just wonder how others have handled this.

I would just ignore them I think - no response at all.

Personally I would not spell it out but would definitely not allow them to get close again.
But that's just how I am.

They've already shown you their true colours. I believe in forgiving and moving on but I’m not unwise as to forget.

I know life isn’t so cut and dry where you can fully distance yourself from people you wish to but you can set boundaries in place. I don’t think you need a big show down, you just alter your boundaries accordingly to how you’re comfortable. One thing I will say is you can’t expect emotionally immature people to meet you on your level (I think it’s emotionally immature to ghost people). Don’t give them any power by saying how hurt you were. They can’t change it and probably won’t make the effort to even absolve themselves.

I wouldn’t let those people back in. Ever.
If there was no way around having them back in your life and it would be awkward to confront them, I’d be a frosty bitch.
Civil, but they’d know.

If they ghosted you then they didn’t care. Why would they be interested in an explanation of why they hurt you? Wanting to tell them is about making yourself feel better, in the hope they’ll change. They won’t. Stay well away and don’t let them do it again.

That is a really tough one

If it was me, I would struggle because I feel so furious about it that expressing it would make me feel bad and open up old wounds for me.

If you think it would have the same effect on you, then I would keep quiet. And avoid them if you can. If you can't then I would be civil but frosty.

if you actually address it with them, they'll probably make something up. Or they genuinely won't remember what happened. I have some sympathy for that. I think over the years most of us have been through enough that our memories get warped. But I'm talking about a gap of years and years. You may not be?

No. They'll be aware. If they didn't give a shit then, they still won't now, even if you spell it out to them.
The relationship wouldn't be repairable, IMO.

i’d be raging and either tell them straight and walk away or
hint “some people i thought were friends ignored me and left me to suffer alone during that really difficult thing i went through and it really hurt” and let them read between the lines.

that way if they too were having a difficult time and didnt like to burden you with their problems as you had your own then youll hear that from them now.

When my son died one of friends (of over 30 years) didn't give a shit to be honest. Took her 3 months to ask how I was. We met up.for a coffee but it was all about her.

After that I just cut her out my life, can't forgive, will never forget.

Yeah this happened to me.

i don’t forget. Some of them are family and I haven’t totally cut contact but I’m very aware that they didn’t give a shit about me so it’s easy to say no to them.

Why would they return? Don’t let them. They don’t want to be there for the shit times they don’t GET to be there for the good. They made their choices when they rejected you. Know your own worth.

Oh, I’d tell them in a non-dramatic fashion to shame them and then keep my distance (aka not engage or else constantly be busy)

I’d drop them like stone.

No benefit in telling them. I don't think they would be able to hear it.

Just ignore. They don’t even deserve an explanation as to why you are no longer interested in a relationship with them

Don't let them back in. Ignore and move on.

They wouldn't be resurfacing anywhere near me.

They wouldn’t be resurfacing in my life at all

No second chances.

I had some friends who did this when I was going through a very bad time (very very ill loved one). They absolutely knew as I had rung them up and told them. One friend I was at the time very close to sort of disappeared and never contacted me at all. He now sends me the occasional Christmas card, but I have never really got back in touch with him after that, although we occasionally see each other every few years or so at mutual friends’ events. I can’t be very bothered even to chat much with him, to be honest.

Another longstanding friend talked only about herself! She worked five minutes away from me during that whole very difficult time, and didn’t once get in contact or come to see me or bother to ask how I was. Her work was also a short bus ride away from the hospital and she never even bothered to visit (she knew my loved one well too). Thankfully they survived; and then vanishing friend resurfaced wanting to hang out and talk about how her life was so full of problems (and they were annoying colleague at work sort of problems, not visiting one’s loved one in ICU sort of problems!) I could not be bothered with her any more to be honest. So selfish and callous. Some people really are too self-absorbed for their own good.

Now I know that many people struggle to know what to say in situations like that, but honestly, they show their true colours too; and I would not be able to be in contact after that. I’m not sure I would confront them with why - it would bring up the bad time for me in a way that would upset me. But I bet they know very well why you’d drop them without you having to tell them. Some people are just crappy friends.

Would you want to be friends again?

It sounds like it would be best to move on and live well without them, since they were never true friends.

I didn't respond when this happened to me.

One school mum, not a close friend, had MH problems and I always tried to support her, but when I had a problem in pregnancy that was life threatening (went on a long time, in and out of hospital, needed operations and eventually lost the baby), it turned out her problems had escalated and I wasn't there for her (I didn't know and wasn't online when I was in hospital because I felt too bad to want to be). So sometimes there can be genuine reasons why people aren't there, though admittedly it's unlikely that's the case for everyone.
I'd say if they meant a lot to you, give them a chance to explain themselves. If they can't, keep them as acquaintances to go out with if they are fun, but forget about them as meaningful friends.

I would presume they dont want to be in my life so why on earth would I want to be in theirs?, they are not a paid therapist so maybe they have trouble coping with what I put on them?

Maybe they were having their own hard time and couldnt cope with me as well? there could be lots of reasons but if someone tried this on me I would respond by asing them why now if they are in a good place what are they hoping to get out of it? and relationships work both ways

so no I would not do this to anyone else and would not expect anyone to do this to me

I think it's hard to say if you don't know the situation, for example how good friends you had been, what was happening to you.
I know that when a person whom I thought was my best friend just ignored me when I had an unexpected death of a close relation and another close relationship had a terminal diagnosis, I kept her at arm's length from then on. If work hadn't meant we had to see each other fairly often, I'd have cut her off completely.