If someone ghosted you during a really dark time, would you tell them how much it hurt when they later resurfaced?

[DreamyPeer]

When you were going through something really difficult and people you knew, who knew what was happening, disappeared or ignored you, even after you reached out.

If things later improved in your life and those same people resurfaced as if nothing had happened, would you tell them how much their silence hurt you?

Or would you just let it go and keep the peace?

Part of me feels like saying something would only reopen things but another part of me thinks silence lets people off the hook.

Just wonder how others have handled this.

No. I’d say nothing. But I’d also not have them in my life again.

It depends if friend or family. If friend they would be demoted to acquaintance and I would have as little to do with them as possible. If extended family I would be polite to them but again no emotional closeness or family holidays just see them when I had to. I don’t see that having a go at them would achieve anything. They will just get defensive and make excuses, you will get angry and upset, nothing really changes. If they ask why you are less friendly than before you could say but they will know.

Why on earth would you want to let them back into your life?

Surely you would give them the cold shoulder?

So there would not be an opportunity to “ tell them how much their silence hurt you”…

No second chance whatsoever.

I personally would not know how to tell someone they had really upset me. I don't think it is the kind of thing you can say to another person and expect a helpful reply. Only if it is a vey close family member such as parent, partner etcetera.
Apparently, ghosting someone in trouble is a key human characteristic from what I've read !

I would never be “open” for them again. I would never trust them.

Well I'd consider the friendship as shallow at best, or non existent, and treat it as such.

i agree with @dollius only my response is much more severe.

They’d be out. One and done.

A tricky one. You might risk finding out something you might regret knowing.

Intentionally quite vague as it is outing, but I faded out a former friend after the death of one of their family members because some of their behaviour in the lead up to that death was truly unforgiveable to me. I just did not want to be friends with someone that would do those things. But out of respect for the fact that she was grieving, and the fact that she couldn't undo her actions, I decided I would never tell her why unless she asked. She never did. She isn't very self aware, so is probably completely oblivious to the fact that her behaviour was why I distanced myself.

Just to give a different perspective, which is going to make me sound like a dick, & rightly so.

When things happen to people really close to me, I have no idea how to react. So for example, my partners Dad passed away a few years ago. I had no idea how to react so I just tried to ignore the whole thing. My friend split up from a long term relationship & while I was there for her, I just didn't know how to react & therefore pulled away for a little bit. This has happened a few times in my life where I pull away when people have really major issues. I feel completely clueless about what the right thing to say or do is. I just avoid until it’s all washed over.

I know it’s the most selfish, ridiculous reaction but it naturally happens every time. Just saying perhaps this person isn’t intentionally being a dick. Although that doesn’t mean they aren’t a dick.

Yes, twice. After parental deaths preceded by long and heart-breaking illnesses and while I was in the middle of marital break-up, too. I calmly expressed myself, about how hurt I was that they had not been around for me. One time it happened with my ex-bestie when my mum died, then with my relation a few years later when Dad died. Effectively, each told me they couldn’t give a flying fuck how much they’d hurt me. At that point I lost my temper, stood up for myself, and I haven’t spoken to either of them in 11 years. I made it clear I would never do so again and said things that can never be taken back. Trash firmly dragged out.

Be ready for them to react badly if you try to express your hurt, OP, no matter how calmly and constructively you try to do so. Few people can bear to realise what total shits they really are.

As long as you won't be hurt if, in turn, if something horrific happens to you and some of the closest people to you vanish for good, then I think that's OK.

Did you ever consider looking on the internet for guidance to what to say to people going through these things, or tips etc. as how best to support them?

Did your partner and friend forgive you for ignoring them during those times?

If I saw them in person again id probably just be breezy and very casual if they spoke to me first. I'd be polite but not enthusiastic and I wouldn't speak about anything personal if they asked.

was it one friend or a group of friends?

Yes - like above, no access to your current life or emotional world.

@nowayho, What you won't understand, if you've never experienced bereavement of an immediate family member who you deeply loved, is that it doesn't wash over. That's not the way it works. It changes you at a deep level and you'll never be the same person you were before, and neither will the world ever look the same. You have to start again, learning how to be in a world that looks the same but feels like an alien planet. You start a new existence that feels totally different from the world you lived in before. Remember the way the Dementors made people feel in Harry Potter? That's how it feels, and JK's grief for her mother is what she based those feelings on. Like all the colour in the world is gone, and there is just a grey, quiet, bleak vacuum. As if you can see unpleasant colours that you didn't know existed before. You emerge blinking in the sunlight of a whole new world, where your emotional landscape looks like a WW2 bomb site, and you're faced with putting it all back together, although it will all be different.

When it happens again, if you value the people close to you, I strongly recommend researching ways to talk to them and support them. I cannot tell you how much it breaks you when you lose close relationships while going through the above. And when something really serious happens to you yourself, whether bereavement or illness (and the chances are high that we'll experience bereavement, at least) you will really, really need people.

It would probably depend who they are/were in my life. If a friend suddenly messaged me after this I’d say “sorry who?”. If they responded to that they’d get it hot and strong and then be ignored

I think it depends on the situation i have had to care for 2 suicidal people 1 successfully and 1 thankfully didn't succeed and is doing much better now but I honestly haven't got it in me to deal with another suicidal person again the nights in hospital the constant checking up on them the absolute fear when they disappear. It destroyed my mh and as harsh as it seems I would have to step back if I was in that situation again

I probably wouldn’t want to speak to them if they reappeared but it would depend on the circumstances and the relationship.

I wouldn't give them a lengthy speech on the matter but I wouldn't let them be close to me again. If they ever ask what's the reason for me "suddenly" distancing myself from them (actual words by a former friend that left me for a while then appeared out of nowhere as if nothing changed), then I'd happily let them know my new opinions on them.

I would remain cool with them and if they ask why I would tell them I was matching their energy. See what happens from there.

I be tempted to cheerfully make a date for coffee and a catch-up and then cancel at the last minute saying "so sorry, I can't make it - a friend of mine is going through a really terrible time and really needs my support. I know you'll understand" and then ghost them back.

No. They hurt me when I needed them most so not a true friend. I would want nothing to do with them.

I am currently going through an horrendous time. One of my oldest ‘friends’ just stopped communicating (but sent me a birthday card!) I will never be friends with her again. Another very old friend does not ‘check in’ regularly with me. “Sorry I haven’t been in touch I’m so overwhelmed with x” I will stay in touch with her but I no longer consider her my friend.

You certainly separate the wheat from the chaff when you’re going through trauma.

Without any extra context its really hard to understand.

I think some people get sick of listening to the same complaints day in day out from people not committed to changing their lives at all. After a while it gets bloody tedious and you become more of a therapist than a friend. I've had a friend like this - just wanted to offload to me all the time with no interest in me. When another "hard time" of hers rolled around, it probably did look like I ghosted her - but by that point I was done. I had my own shit going on she didnt care about because her drama was always greater (to her).