If someone ghosted you during a really dark time, would you tell them how much it hurt when they later resurfaced?

[DreamyPeer]

When you were going through something really difficult and people you knew, who knew what was happening, disappeared or ignored you, even after you reached out.

If things later improved in your life and those same people resurfaced as if nothing had happened, would you tell them how much their silence hurt you?

Or would you just let it go and keep the peace?

Part of me feels like saying something would only reopen things but another part of me thinks silence lets people off the hook.

Just wonder how others have handled this.

Just express sympathy and ask if there’s anything you can do.
Then check in every week or two and ask how the person is.

An old school friend of mine who I wasn’t close to lost her young dd.
I saw her in the supermarket and asked how she was and that her little boy must be missing his dsis.
I’ll never forget how grateful she was for a few kind words, apparently most people avoided her.

I appreciate your honesty and it's good to be self aware, but I just had to respond.

What a selfish coward you were.

I hope you agree and have developed some basic skills in this area.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect, but my close friends are absolutely worth feeling a bit "uncomfortable" for in extreme situations.

I would be civil and breezy (I wouldn't want to let on that I was bothered) but no emotional connection anymore as the trust is gone.

A few of my friendships have fallen away in recent years. I had a friend go through a relationship breakdown at the same time as another friend was off the radar (later found out she was fighting cancer). I was no use as I was trying to come to terms with having a non verbal autistic child along with all the usual life stresses of work/finances etc. None of us had the capacity to be there for each other - we were each too deeply into our own shit going on. Sometimes even when you need your friends they don't have the capacity to give as they are barely afloat themselves. I'm sure if I bumped into my old friends we'd all have a nice chat but I'm sure each of us has changed and moved on. I don't know about them but I'm still just trying to get through.

I’d grey rock all the way. Civil, but very cool.

It depends.

It takes emotional energy to support someone going through a hard time and sometimes, exactly because they are having such a hard time, expectations can be very high.

I have a dear friend and what she was going through looked like a whirlpool at the bottom of a waterfall in a raging thunderstorm. And I was the little flimsy flotsam stick that she was trying to cling to as her lifeline. However hard I tried I couldn’t hold her up, I could only fail where she looked to me for rescue.

I didn’t ghost her but I did have to step back sometimes.

It depends who they are. Whether they were also affected. Whether they have the capacity. Did they feel at a loss as to how to help? Distressed by your distress?

If they are close you could ask how they felt when you were in your crisis. Talk about relationships when one person is struggling, maybe.

I am glad you are feeling better now OP, and I hope your life gets stronger and stronger.

but sometimes people assume that you’re going to lean on them for support and that’s not necessarily the case.

I had a heart transplant last year, I spent four months in hospital, and during that time a couple of friends dropped completely off the radar.

I wasn’t expecting them to be there to offer support, to visit, I didn’t even expect them to call, but a hello text? A like on a FB post or a like to my responding on one of theirs, but nothing.

I wasn’t hurt, I just saw them for who they are. Shallow people who are incapable of engaging with anyone who isn’t fawning all over them. Especially one of them who is the “I just can’t take it any more” posting type on social media.

When I came out of hospital I did a massive cull of my friend list on FB, I didn’t block anyone, I’m not up for that, but I no longer consider them friends. If I happen upon them I would be civil but that’s it.

My friend did this after my husband died. She apologised after a year and I chose to gloss over it. I forgave her but I don’t forget.

No. They wouldn’t get the chance to ‘resurface’.

What happened OP? Sorry they did this to you 😔

i Was ghosted by my closest friend when I needed her the most. Then she thought she could just pick right up where she left things a good while later. And I didn’t address it. I just brushed it under the carpet and moved on. And guess what. First bump in the road (she did something nasty to someone and instead of holding her hands up she blamed it on me instead) she dropped me again. And I’m guessing that she will probably be too ashamed to bother contacting me again now. And I’d be telling her some home truths if she does.

if these people really cared about us they’d never hurt us. And if they’ve done it once they will do it again. And yes I do think you should have it out with them, get your side across. Over wise it just festers and they think they’ve got away with it and you’ll be a doormat in future

You ignored the fact your partners dad died? I hope they're similarly supportive when you need them most.

It entirely depends

Maybe they were going through something awful too but didn’t want to burden you? It can be very draining supporting someone through a hard time and it’s healthy to take a step back and think of yourself when something also hits you

I’d respond with my silence

No, I forgive people (I have no hard feelings towards them), but forgiveness is not forgetting, and whilst I accept that this happened, I also accept that it happened because of who they are, and I don't need to accept that in my life ever again.

Recently happened - someone who shat on me whilst I was divorcing asked a friend to pass on her apology and asked to meet. I was not interested in any way.

These people don't need explanations. They know what they've done.

Whenever I have tried to explain to ex-friends (often because they asked why I wasn't responding) why I found that type of behaviour unacceptable it has never let to anything - usually some stupid defensive response often implying that I was at fault somehow. In my experience it is best to ignore them.

Unless they were going through something themselves, I'd just not bother with them anymore. While nobody is responsible for me, my happiness, sometimes a 'hello, how are you doing?' can go a long way when things are tough and a good friend should be able to muster that up without it personally costing them too much effort.

While am all for being honest to those who've annoyed you it is rarely well received and people don't respond to criticism. It would probably would mark the end of the friendship anyway.

This happened to me when I had a breakdown a few years ago.

Someone I considered a close friend totally abandoned me.

She then had the cheek to turn up at my DH’s funeral last year, ready for all the drama.

She messaged me the next day- I was very tempted to message back ‘who dis’ but just ignored her.

I can’t forgive her for abandoning me when I needed her most, and then she thought she could just walk back into my life when it was more interesting 😡

Did she say why?

I would completely ignore them.

As long as you understand when someone you need "steps back" when you are in your own raging torrent, then cool.

Did you tell her you needed a break, or did you just ignore her during the stepping-back times?