To complain to school or leave it be

[Receptive1]

Child has anxiety and a number of other health issues going on - waiting for diagnoses. Managing school but barely, she’s very dysregulated after it. School have been supportive but it’s a huge school and there is little time to do 121. Today she said she ate her break in the toilet as outside felt too noisy, the school have a strict policy you can’t come inside during break or lunch. Some girls found her, reported her and a teacher came in and told her off saying it’s unhygienic to eat in the loo. Obviously yes, but my heart hurts for her as there was just no empathy shown. No one chooses to eat in a toilet, the only time people do is if they are struggling so I’m pretty livid at this response. Do I email? I feel like I all I do is email about issues and I am tired of fire fighting it all.

How old is she? And is there a plan in place for what she should do when she feels overanxious?

It’s tricky- general plan is find a quiet space so that’s during class, but there are no quiet places in the playground (it’s incredibly busy and noisy). She also doesn’t often recognise she is getting anxious until she has, and by then it’s almost too late to stop it.

How old is she?

I would email. Not to be angry but to raise the issue and ask what she should do next time she feels that way.

I remember bunking lunch times for the same resons. You couldn’t hide in the toilets as they were also loud and busy in my school and the hand dryer was horrible. Never bunked lessons. My grades were good. I got caught and punished and my mother wouldn’t listen to why I was doing it and punished me too. Reading your post reminded me of that. I’m not really bitter about how school handled it what I’m bothered by looking back is my mother not understanding or trying to advocate for a solution. So for that reason don’t give up the fight

Id go in and speak to her teacher or maybe SENDCo. Go in calmly and work together to find a solution, but also mention how ipset she was for being told off.
If the plan is to find somewhere quiet, then an area should be provided, even if just a corner of the yard. A little empathy to an upset / distressed child wouldn't go amiss. Ive NEVER known a school that bans all children entering over break/lunchtime. Taught early years /infant 15 yrs and a nurture group for SEND fir 2.

I used to hate break/lunch times at secondary school. We had to stand outside unless it was absolutely tipping it down. In the summer we could sit on the grass but the rest of the time we had to stand on the playground trying to dodge footballs or pigeon poo. It was miserable.

I did find myself in a lot of detentions as I thought I had cracked it, get to sit down inside and eat my lunch in peace.

I’m not sure an email is going to be very effective.

Can you arrange a meeting to discuss options?

It sounds like the school isn’t a good placement for her at the moment, are there any smaller schools nearby you can visit to see if another setting would help?

I don’t expect an answer here, but is there anything else going on in her life (home life, relationships etc) that could be triggering her feelings?

It sounds like you need to have a proper sit down meeting with the school. In all honesty it doesn't sound like the current setting is meeting her needs and whilst it's difficult for her unfortunately she can't just disobey the rules.

I think I just feel really sad that instead of care being shown to a child in the toilets it was a “you’re breaking the rules”. If an adult was eating their lunch in the work bathroom I’d be reaching out, not rushing to management! we jace
a meeting planned for April but just not sure I can let this go on until then. Also keen to not annoy/rock the boat by complaining. Hard to get it right sometimes.

I think it’s more we are on a waiting list for diagnosis.

She doesn’t need a diagnosis to get help in school. Make an appointment to speak with the Senco.

Don't approach this as a complaint, more as 'my daughter is struggling more than I thought' cite this incident and ask that reasonable adjustments are made to allow her to eat her lunch in a civilised manner and spend some time gather herself so that she is ready to go back into class for the afternoon session. Maybe they have a SEND room, or she could sit in the library?

I'm so sorry you and your DD are going through this @Receptive1 ❤️‍🩹
I think I would call the school in the morning, so that you can convey through the tone of your voice that you're not being confrontational, but that you know the school is aware of the issues DD is facing, and that you'd like to know where she can go to seek respite during break/lunch in future.

The teacher was probably a bit harsh to 'make an example' because it was brought to her attention by other pupils and if it is a hard rule within the school that you can't be inside during break, the school won't want kids thinking it's something they'll ignore.

But even allowing grace for that sort of mindset, it is upsetting to know that a child who should already be on teachers' radar as needing extra support at the moment was told off for seeking shelter. I can see both sides, but if it was my DD, I'd want to ensure that if we draw a line under the day, moving forward the school offer her somewhere to go when she needs to step back from the noise.

I did ask my daughter this and she said you can’t eat in the library (fair enough) but there must be somewhere she can eat her snack in peace rather than a busy playground?! thank you so much

This is so wise, thank you

How old is she?

I mean it’s fairly gross to eat in a toilet but why won’t you answer how old she is?

Assuming primary school .... Why it's understandable that so many think the school should have someplace she should go, the reality is there may not be someplace she can go. Breaks are short, schools are understaffed, and there generally aren't extra adults available to supervise children who don't want to be outside for whatever reason in most schools. Staff that are on duty are outside; the rest are using the toilet and rushing around collecting printing, preparing for their next lesson, dealing with behaviour from the previous session, having 2 minutes to themselves, etc in the 10-15 minute break.

No one chooses to eat in a toilet...

I work in a secondary school. You'd be amazed.

Our SEN students (and a few who aren't technically SEN) have access to our SEN space at break and lunchtimes as a quiet, safe, well supervised place to go. I would imagine most secondary schools have something similar. Primaries may or may not. It's worth asking.

Speak to the school. You are doing the right thing. Not confrontational just caring fir your daughter.

7 nearly 8

It's a snack, right, not lunch? Could she not just quickly eat her snack on the playground and then go to the library?

The point is, though, that the school needs to adjust the rules to accommodate your DD's particular needs. I can see actually that eating in the library might be a step too far but they must have quiet spaces available somewhere and maybe after she has finished eating , it would be appropriate for her to go to the library for some quiet time. She will need the quiet time to get herself I the right frame of mind to go back into lessons.

I'm going to be honest I assumed she was secondary age. You surely can't expect her to be allowed inside wandering around unsupervised at 7 years old.

Don't primary usually have the snack in the classroom? This seems an odd set up.

Do they really all eat snacks outside?

The telling off sounds a bit OTT, but eating in the toilet is grim and there needs to be a different plan. The way you've described everything it sounds more Y7 than 7.