To complain to school or leave it be

[Receptive1]

Child has anxiety and a number of other health issues going on - waiting for diagnoses. Managing school but barely, she’s very dysregulated after it. School have been supportive but it’s a huge school and there is little time to do 121. Today she said she ate her break in the toilet as outside felt too noisy, the school have a strict policy you can’t come inside during break or lunch. Some girls found her, reported her and a teacher came in and told her off saying it’s unhygienic to eat in the loo. Obviously yes, but my heart hurts for her as there was just no empathy shown. No one chooses to eat in a toilet, the only time people do is if they are struggling so I’m pretty livid at this response. Do I email? I feel like I all I do is email about issues and I am tired of fire fighting it all.

“Fill their faces?” What a purposefully vile way to avoid using the word ‘snacking’ 🙄

Well that mskes it easy then! Stay inside and have no snack, or go outside to eat it. That's the chouce. That's threschool rule which every other child manages to follow and your child isn't too special to either

Very well said. I don't mean I agree with you, I'm merely complimenting you on your concise delivery of an intentionally goady and willfully ignorant comment. Some people go overboard and it undermines their attempts but you nailed it. Good work.

Op, the school are probably hoping breaks are ok for her and haven't put a plan in place or even acknowledged the challenges beyond the classroom. If it's like my school, the person on playground duty is probably support staff so won't necessarily know of her needs, hence using the tone of voice used when telling off children who are breaking the rules and not showing any understanding. Definitely have a wee chat with the teacher and see what they say. I'm sure this will be an easy fix if your school is halfway decent.

This actually genuinely hurts me on top of the hurt I feel for my child. And I’m mid-40’s and fairly thick skinned. Talk about kicking a man when they’re down.

Potentially 2/3 minutes to eat the banana and another 20 minutes to recover from the overwhelm of the playground. That’s an entire break wasted with a distressed child at the end of it.
Or, said child could eat the banana in an environment that they find comfortable and then go back to class at the correct time.
If someone is suffering, do you say “It’s fine, you can suffer if it’s only for a few minutes”?

But you clearly DO think your child shouldn't have to follow the rules that apply to every other child? Why?

Gently, I believe neurodiversity and mental health challenges do not fit neatly into a “one size fits all” box. In the workplace and across education settings, adaptations are made for those for whom the standard setting feels uncomfortable, for whatever reason. My child felt so uncomfortable outside with the noise, footballs and crowd that she retreated to the toilet to eat her snack. To then be met with a nippy remark rather than treated with kindness and empathy felt disappointing to me.
Hope this helps you see it from a more holistic perspective 🌺

OP, gently, your child was not making a safe choice. Imagine there had been a fire. Schools will try their best to accommodate but safety trumps discomfort.

Can they arrange somewhere for her to sit and eat her food quietly. Everyone has to eat lunch outside? That sounds odd, surely they should be able to sit somewhere inside and what happens if it's raining or worse.

I don't understand how she sneaked off without no one really noticing. All our primary children eat in the hall. There is a 'lunch club' for some sen children who are invited to attend that is supervised by one TA. These are children who need a safe space for lunch.

I was assuming your daughter was in secondary as it seems a strange set up for a primary to have everyone outdoors. What about those who get school dinners? Do they also eat outside?

Op 'gently', the school are keeping your child safe by putting rules in place to ensure supervision (and hygiene).
As your child is over half way through year. She's been in school going on for 4 years. She knows the rules-,what has she done every other day til yesterday?
If she doesn't like the noise, get her ear defenders. Its her job to comply with the school rules and your job to support the school in this for her oen good!

It's breaktime not lunchtime.

Ah I assumed because she was eating she was calling lunch break.

This is completely normal in terms of wanting everyone out at break time. Usually the staff are out on duty and can't have children in the classroom. In year 4 few children bring snack anyway, and due to healthy schools its usually fruit which is eaten quickly.

What does she do at lunchtime?

Your comment itself is fair, but some (many, presumably) schools really don't have ANY quiet spaces at all. There is no nurse's office; no classroom a child is allowed in without a teacher present; no clubs like lego or chess; often no shelter in the playground; no structured playground layout, so that there's a defined space for rough games, a place for sitting and chatting etc. DS's school doesn't even have a library. It's a really shameful state of affairs.

@Receptive1 DS finds the noise and misbehaviour in his school unbearable too. As I mentioned above, there is literally ZERO space for peace and quiet away from it all in his school. However, after over a year of complaining, they do now allow him to choose 1 friend to take to lunch 10 minutes before everyone else (it doesn't always happen, but at least when it does, it's something). It means he gets to eat a few bites before a cascade of noise arrives. The playground has become too dangerous - he's been attacked multiple times by other children - and, despite the school loudly denying there's a problem, they now allow him to sit in reception with a friend and read or play lego during lunch. So, if there is nowhere safe/quieter for your daughter, ask about the possibility of her going to lunch a bit earlier, so at least she has 10min of peace; and about possibly using the space in reception or outside the principal's office to do something quiet if the playground has become too overwhelming.

OP, I’m approaching this from the perspective of a teacher, as I’ve dealt with students like your DC before.

I think that you should contact the school, either by email or request a meeting.

When you contact them, the worst thing you can do it appear combative. Schools are drowning at the moment, and if they sense that you are going to be difficult then they just won’t listen to you. You need to approach the issue as one of your DC needing more support. Explain that she’s on the waiting list for diagnosis, and request a meeting with senco. It would be good to have some solutions in mind to suggest for meal times, bearing in mind that students must be supervised at all times.

Respectfully, eating in the toilet cannot be allowed at school, so while the teacher on duty was perhaps too harsh with the way they approached it, a line needs to be drawn somewhere. However, if your DC can’t handle eating in the playground due to noise, a solution needs to be found. Loops, or noise cancelling headphones could be a start. Longer term, a quieter place should be made available, although then it becomes a supervision and funding issue. Again, suggest solutions if you know of anything that could work.

Remember that the school is there to work with you, and not against you. If you approach it in this way then the conversation and outcomes will be so much more productive.

I hope it goes well for you and your DC.

First thing you should do is talk to your daughter. What happened? Why today out of all days (or has it happened before and they just didn’t notice)? What does she think would help? Would ear defenders or loop ring help? Having her snack early in the classroom? Does she need her snack(some kids don’t )?Stay in the library without a snack? Etc .

Then email or arrange a meeting with the school from a “she’s struggling a lot more than we realised, how can we help?” perspective and offer any solutions that she came up with and are feasible.

Because schools should make reasonable adjustments for struggling children. Adjustments that are specific to their need.

Thank you all, sorry I’ve not been able to reply to everyone. It’s been a hard week so far.
I had a call with the school today which went well thanks to some really helpful pointers here. They didn’t know how hard she was finding break/ lunch as she masks well, but acknowledged the playground is small for the number of pupils so noise levels are extremely high and they even joked and said they find it overwhelming as staff. She does have noise cancelling headphones but doesn’t like being the only one using them at school, which they understood. The head apologised personally for the snarky tone of the comment made and said they will speak with the staff member and remind them of ND approaches so it doesn’t happen again. He doesn’t have a long term solution yet, but short term has said he will make an allowance for my child to eat inside the classroom with a friend if that helps, which it will. Thank you all for helping me advocate for my child and work collaboratively with the school.

Fully 20-30% of most of our primary school classes are ND ... we can't keep them all in.

Surely it's easier to have a large number in than a small number? You can then have someone on duty inside, just like if it was wet play and someone on duty outside. I guess it depends on how many staff you have.

Schools really need to be considering the needs of ND kids more rather than just saying they 'can't'. They need to find a way than they can as numbers aren't going to be going down.

Schools are considering the needs of ND children and adapting their practice all the time. Telling staff that they ‘just need to’ give up their break time or find an inside space isn’t helpful. Chat to the school and find solutions and compromises together. Staff are more incredibly stretched and doing the best they can.

The head was alluding to this, he was very kind and said my child is by no means the only one who struggles in the playground and he is looking at alternative indoor quiet spaces, but needs to work out the logistics of this first. I guess like everything it comes down to budgets. Short term she will be able to be inside the classroom at least and hopefully going forward something more sustainable long term (for all
those who need this, not just her)

He didn’t share a ratio of children who are ND diagnosed or struggling without diagnosis, but he did seem committed to finding a quieter space
for those who need this

If there was a fire she’d have followed fire alarm procedure and left the toilet (like any other child using the toilet during break time) 🤷‍♀️