To dislike my new neighbour...

[worldshottestmom]

As usual, this post is going to be a novel.

So, I moved into my current house 6 years ago. Its detached, but with gardens connected by the fence (relevant later on). There's around 8 houses in a row, we live on a quiet street, and i absolutely adore living here. The neighbours in all of these 8 houses are absolutely wonderful, lovely people. I moved into such a rich community vibe, neighbours knocked on my door to welcome me (never had that before anywhere and it was so pleasant and nice to have), and everybody gets along really well.

Last year, my next door neighbours decided to sell up. After the initial sale last April, the new homeowners came round every so often to do bits they needed to do with the house and whatever. Its a man ('Andy'), a woman ('Emily'), and their 2 DC (Roughly 4 and 1, I would guess). I shit you not, every single time I have seen this woman she has a face like absolute thunder. Its honestly scary. The first time I seen her I thought maybe she's just stressed with the kids and house move, totally understandable.

The more they visited the house, each time was the same. Obvious look of visible anger on her face, but only when with her family. When she spoke to my old neighbours, she would just give a flat fake smile and say thanks for whatever. Always kept very brief.

They moved in around 3 months ago now. During this time I have seen this woman having screaming, horrible go's at her husband on numerous occasions. He always just puts his head down and seems to mumble and walk off. She shouts at her children to no end, particularly the eldest. He is quite erratic and loud, but as are all kids his age. Everytime, she just jumps straight to shouting and screaming at him, no attempt to calmly reason with him first, etc. Just off the bat she loses it. If she's not shouting at them, it just feels she's hypervigilant to her children not embarrassing her in public. They were crossing the road to come home last week and he was swinging her hand holding it. Her annoyed expression turned quickly into a mean glare at him, then back to the annoyed face.

Its the way she treats her DH that bothers me and makes me feel suspicious that she is actually abusing him. Every time I have seen them, he always has the baby. There was an incident a few weeks ago, im not sure what happened but they were going somewhere in the car and Andy was holding the baby and helping the eldest DC into the car aswell. He was struggling to move the seat belts in baby's car seat and Emily genuinely just lunged from behind him and shouted "just give her here!" And snatched baby from him. The baby started crying and she screamed at Andy "now look what you've done!". He seemed really down after this and I think he was apologising to her and got in the car.

Then last week, he was putting a plastic bottle in the black bin and she ran outside screaming at him "NOOO" shouting that its recyclables and it can't go in there. I was in my living room at the time and her shouting was so loud that I jumped and rushed to look outside thinking something really bad had happened. Its getting to be such a headache. I've noticed Andy spends most of his time outside when Emily's home, as well. Even if it's raining, he's out in the garden just finding things to do. Sometimes he just sits in the car.

I want to add that I had not met them yet at this point, and didn't want to knock on and welcome them because I was honestly scared to have my head bitten clean off for daring to knock on her door. I asked the neighbours on their other side if they had met them yet or been round, as I hadn't. They said they went over a week after they first moved in to welcome them to the neighbourhood, here if they needed anything etc (as they did with me and everyone else). They said it was Emily who answered, and she was very off in a strange way, giving one-word answers, didn't introduce herself, quick to get going, etc. I asked if they had heard her shouting a lot lately, and they were relieved to tell me they had but didn't want to say anything. They have also heard her shouting at her husband in particular quite often.

Then comes last week. On Monday, when taking DC to nursery, I seen Andy getting ready to take his son to school. I used this opportunity to try and talk to him and introduce myself finally. I gave him a big smile and said good morning, and smiled and said hello to his son, with my kids saying hi to them as well. He didn't say a word. He looked at me so sheepish and brief, smiled, and put his head down to look at the floor. He just stood there while we walked past. It was at this point i started to actually wonder if she has told him he isn't allowed to speak to me / other neighbours. He may not have just wanted to know, but his whole aura was just very off and strange.

Then came today. I was going to the shops with my youngest. I was walking past their driveway as she was about turn in in her car, so I mouthed 'sorry!' To her, gave her a smile and quick wave as a thanks gesture, and quickly scuttled past so she could see i was making every effort not to be a pest. This woman rolled her eyes at me and then frustratingly raised her eyebrows in response. I was mildly horrified by this to be honest. I thought she would of at least just done the customary smile and wave back, but that's when I realised she truly is just awful.

now, I don't want to judge, as nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. I initially wanted to believe that she was probably doing everything house and childcare wise, and was really stressed and burnt out etc. But neither of them seem to work, or at least not much (maybe wfh). They both seem to be home most of the day every day. Andy does the school drop off and pick up. He frequently takes their DC out and about with just him. She goes out by herself a lot, but not much with them. With everything else I've seen, I just cant help but feel she's just an outright vile person? I know i could have this so wrong but I just have this feeling inside like something isn't right. My gut instinct is telling me she is abusing him (and her kids to an extent), but that could just be me being hypervigilant of these things because of being in an abusive relationship previously.

Im obviously not going to meddle in their business, but i can't help but feel devastated that im going to have to live next to these people for however many years longer. We had such a lovely community here and it feels so dimmed now. One of my neighbours holds a barbecue every summer and we all take food/drinks and go over, it's the highlight of my year (I don't have many friends), and really don't want to feel like we would be excluding them by not inviting them as that would be really nasty, yet feel if they did come it would be awkward and they/she would likely ruin it, even if just by being miserable.

Im also concerned about playing with my kids in the back garden in summer. Our back fences are joined and very low, and i can already foresee the awkwardness. Even if not that, the noise alone would be enough to put me off going out. I already feel myself dreading taking my dog out in the garden to do his business. When their windows are open the shouting is so damn loud.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my novel. This is really bothering me though and I dont know what to do other than move house.

AIBU to dislike neighbour/s, and have concerns?

Thanks for this. I agree my initial account is very scatty in a lot of ways, I kept remembering other things while writing it and didnt intend for it to be quite so long. I just feel quite scrambled about this situation as a whole really as it really quite bizarre. I dont appreciate bitchy comments about me, but hey ho, thats Mumsnet for ya. Everyone seems quite emotional that I enjoy this annual neighbourly barbecue, and seem to think im very fixated on this. Which I'm not, it would just be a shame for it to be made awkward by them or feel bad by not having them there.

Im concerned about how she is with her husband and kids. Her kids are normally messing around and not listening when she shouts and screams at them, yet she just seems to be vile to her husband all the time, every time ive seen them. I said I didn't want to involve myself as I dont know what else is going on in their life that may account for all of this. Im just growing increasingly concerned that she her behaviour is crossing over into abuse, and whether or not I should act on it. I dont want to get involved in their business and start calling everyone and anyone, when I do not know the situation. Its just from the outside, it doesnt look good at all.

This is why I posted really. The whole situation is quite bothersome to me because of the noise, if it wasn't for that I wouldn't be bothered if they dont want to be involved with the other neighbours. Its just the daily screaming and shouting and now feeling awkward going in my own garden because of it. The indication she might be abusing them it was bothers me most, as I know what its like to go through it and dont just want to be a bystander, but equally as you said, dont want to involve myself in their business when I have no idea whats going on in their lives, and is none of my business what does go on. I just dont want to standby silent when she could be abusing them.

Stop being so fucking nosy. How on earth can you write an entire essay about the minutiae of people and their personalities and lives and every single movement they make when you say you've never hardly met them?!

Nobody asked you to like them. But it's not acceptable to be so obsessed about other people's lives. Have you no concept of privacy.

If there's what you believe to be a crime taking place ring the police while it's happening. Or if you suspect child neglect call SS. Otherwise leave them alone.

This Is my instinctive thought tbh but just so nervous to act on it in case ive got it so wrong. I think the way shes shouted at the kids alone could maybe do with some intervention. Im just not really sure what I would actually say to SS, thats shes shouting quite nastily at her young DC and i just want to make sure everything's ok? I feel awful to put another mother whom may be struggling in this situation, but equally im trying to think in her kids best interests as a priority.

Yeah im just quite anxious tbh. Cos things are bad now my brain just assumes it will get worse because of past events in my life always playing out this way. Will wait and see i guess

You only really have two options - let it go and accept you have shouty neighbours or you call social services as many of us have suggested.

Agree completely. I will say my initial post was quite scrambled, but I think im justified in my concerns in that if half of these women seen a man shouting and screaming at his kids and wife they'd be phoning the police without hesitation. Yet because its a woman, im apparently just being a nosey bitch. I come on here to raise my concerns about the whole situation, and was just pointing out how its bothering me personally. A lot of women just seen it as an opportunity to attack me, which I think says a lot more about them than it does me.

I just feel really nervous calling them. I think I will and just mention the shouting and see what they say.

I’m certainly not being bitchy, just pointing out that some people are not primarily responding to the issue of possible abuse because, not only did your title focus on an entirely different issue, but people had to wade through a lot of stuff about your lovely other neighbours, and ‘Emily’s’ facial expressions when visiting the house before they even moved in, and hearsay about her lack of smiles to other neighbours, before we got anywhere near ‘Andy’. And then you were flying off again to potential noise in the garden in summer and the barbecue, which minimises any sense of the (possible) seriousness about possible spousal abuse.

And it was nothing to do with Emily’s behaviour to Andy or her children that made you decide ‘she’s truly awful’ and ‘mildly horrified’ you! It was when she didn’t smile and acknowledge you scuttling out of her way when she was driving out of her drive.

Bluntly, your judgement is so confused and inconsistent throughout your lengthy post, that I simply don’t trust it. If you’re more ‘horrified’ by Emily not responding as you expected when driving out past you than her possibly terrorising her DH and small children, it doesn’t make me think you’re a credible witness on possible domestic abuse.

If you think it’s going on, report it.

You think a man and 2 children are being abused and your main concern is about how this affects your community BBQs?

But you’re the one not phoning the police, OP! None of us were there! This is on you.

You could tell them how often she's shouting at her very young children, that it's so loud you can hear it from inside your house (if that's the case) and that you are concerned for the children. Then it's up to them what they do about it, if anything. But please do report it. Parents get away with abuse because everyone is too afraid to say anything. You can always ring the 4 year olds school and ask to have a chat with the Safeguarding Lead. It could be that they're worried about the child - maybe they are appearing anxious or upset at school for example - and your comments on their mother shouting will encourage them to act.

No wonder she scowls with you staring at them like this and hiding behind your curtains, how bored do you have to be to watch your neighbours this closely.

There are some really weird and unkind comments on here that say more about them than you. I personally enjoyed reading your essay and read every word and feel sorry that you're living next door to that horrible woman. Hope things gets sorted x

I wasnt suggesting him seemingly always having the kids means hes being abused, lmaooo. I was pointing this out due to me saying my initial thought was that she was annoyed all the time cos she might be doing most of the lifting at home. But he always seems to have them and take them here there and everywhere, so it doesnt seem shes doing everything.

Its true he is outside a lot and this may be her frustration, which is why I was asking what others would perceive this as. I've taken it as hes always outside to avoid her. But again, I could be very wrong.

Perhaps she’s furious because she didn’t realise she was moving into an area where The Stepford Wives live!

In all seriousness I can understand your concerns to an extent. But you know absolutely nothing about them. She could have an illness for all you know. Or they might have overstretched themselves financially buying the house etc. There are so many other reasons why they might have this dynamic that don’t involve abuse. You seem to be judging them very harshly. Gossiping about them with the other neighbours might come across quite hostile to your new neighbours. Because you can hear them, they might also be able to hear you. Your post reads like they are dragging the neighbourhood down. If they pick that vibe up from everyone it would make anyone stressed! Not everyone has perfect happy clappy lives.

Also it’s quite misogynistic that you think somethings wrong because the dad mainly has the kids and the wife goes out 😱 alone😱.

I really would - just preface it by saying you feel uncomfortable and are not sure whether what you are seeing is valid, but it is concerning you so you felt you should contact them to log it.

It may be that the nursery or school have their concerns and have been unable to action it because they are just seeing the odd bruise or a child who is increasingly withdrawn and nothing to link it to. A report of verbal abuse from a neighbour (and be under no illusions screaming, shouting and swearing at children is verbal abuse) may be the final piece of the jigsaw that they need to step in. And remember, this is not about taking kids away from their parents, SS pathway starts with parental support, parenting classes, counselling. It may be that this woman had puerperal depression or some other MH issue that needs intervention and support. It’s not about judgment its about a family clearly in some sort of crisis.

God that sounds so awful, how horrible for her family. Im glad a few people here have experienced / know someone who has experienced situations similar, as i feel so divided on what to do. I think I have decided I will call SS just to raise my concerns around it, as they are the best people to decide what to do here. I just dont like getting involved in other people's business, and came here to ask what to do in case I was just seriously over thinking it and being hypervigilant due to having been abused myself before.

OP you have a lot of empathy for the husband and kids and you’re obviously and quite rightly worried for them.
i had a similar situation to you and it consumed all my energy. There were more serious things going on and social services didn’t do much except send the woman on a parenting course.
in the end the woman turned on me and made my life hell. If people think you might expose their truth they will attack your character in order to protect themselves.
i think this would be very hard for you. She is abusive and abusive people get away with an awful lot because they are able to operate in plain sight. Social services don’t have the manpower. It’s hard to prove she’s breaking the law so the police won’t help. She’s probably manipulating things so school don’t realise the extent of it. It’s up to her husband to speak up as the adult. The sad thing is that the cycle will repeat and her kids will be abusers when they have families. Or they will be the abused one in a relationship.

i am sorry your peace has been disrupted. Your neighbours clearly know and have chosen the “let’s turn a blind eye” attitude. It’s consuming you that you don’t know what to do, the worry for the kids and husband is also consuming you. If you try to tackle it, you will be in a worse position when she starts to abuse you too.

try to set some boundaries about how and when you will engage and react. Try to just build some kind of friendly rapport with the husband in the hope one day you could suggest he asks for help from a charity. You could call the NSPCC for advice but they will probably only pass it to SS.

i am sorry I can’t offer more advice but please look after yourself.

Perfectly said x
Thank you

Thank you for this comment. Im glad you can appreciate it is sad for me and the other neighbours too, as we did have a nice little friendly street and just feels a bit meh now. Not that she has to be friendly with us, but nobody wants to hear her screaming and shouting all the time. I also was in a very abusive relationship and feel the same way! This is why im so "overly invested" cos when I see her shouting at them I feel like going out and telling her to back off. I should not have to defend this woman's own kids and husband against her, its just so sad to witness cos I know what its like.

Im glad you can agree it was rude of her to do that. You've understood what I was trying to say completely and I appreciate that. Its pretty standard to be polite in that car situation and just do a little wave back, yet everyone here is painting it out like I feel entitled to her having to wave at me - i dont. Its just polite and the done thing, at least where I am. I was a bit put out by this cos ive never had someone be rude in an instance like that, certainly not a neighbour. She didn't even need to wave or anything, but rolling her eyes etc was completely uncalled for.

I have now written a shorthand account of this and will be contacting SS just to advise them of whats going on. As the professionals, I think they can make the decision of the best course of action going forward in this situation.

Thank you xx

This is very sad to read.

I have a friend who was abused by his wife for years. He stayed and put up with it because of their child. Eventually, she went too far one night and the neighbours called the police. She was arrested and charged.

Mt friend left and when his daughter turned 16, she also left to go and live with him.

I would just continue as you are and be friendly towards him. I don't think there's a lot more you can do other than obviously call the police or Social Services if you hear anything more worrying.

I'm so sorry you went through this. I experienced a similar upbringing, though shouting from my brother (owned the house) not my mum. It was horrific and I often hoped i could be fostered just to get away from it for a while. That, paired with me experiencing domestic abuse, Is why I think im so anxious about all of this, particularly her children and husband. I feel my initial post downplayed my concerns for her children, but I am of course worried about them.

I am going to call SS as you have suggested and advise them of what I have said here, though in fewer words lol as it is a lot. I would just dread to think its worst inside the house and nobody is doing anything. I just hope they can help this woman if she is struggling. I said in my OP many times its none of my business and I dont know what she may be going through, but so many commenters have disregarded this completely.and just attacked me. It would never be my intention to just try and destroy her life for no reason, I just want to make sure her DH and DC are not suffering, and ultimately her, as well.

I hope youre able to heal, I know how hard it is. Thanks for commenting x

Projection!
Maybe you do that but op never said she does....

My god, that is horrific, how deeply haunting that he felt he had to do that. Makes my blood boil and makes me so sad. Because it's a man everyone just thinks its a joke. Its a known thing men tend to suffer in silence in these scenarios due to fear of ridicule, and I would hate to be another bystander just letting it happen.