To dislike my new neighbour...

[worldshottestmom]

As usual, this post is going to be a novel.

So, I moved into my current house 6 years ago. Its detached, but with gardens connected by the fence (relevant later on). There's around 8 houses in a row, we live on a quiet street, and i absolutely adore living here. The neighbours in all of these 8 houses are absolutely wonderful, lovely people. I moved into such a rich community vibe, neighbours knocked on my door to welcome me (never had that before anywhere and it was so pleasant and nice to have), and everybody gets along really well.

Last year, my next door neighbours decided to sell up. After the initial sale last April, the new homeowners came round every so often to do bits they needed to do with the house and whatever. Its a man ('Andy'), a woman ('Emily'), and their 2 DC (Roughly 4 and 1, I would guess). I shit you not, every single time I have seen this woman she has a face like absolute thunder. Its honestly scary. The first time I seen her I thought maybe she's just stressed with the kids and house move, totally understandable.

The more they visited the house, each time was the same. Obvious look of visible anger on her face, but only when with her family. When she spoke to my old neighbours, she would just give a flat fake smile and say thanks for whatever. Always kept very brief.

They moved in around 3 months ago now. During this time I have seen this woman having screaming, horrible go's at her husband on numerous occasions. He always just puts his head down and seems to mumble and walk off. She shouts at her children to no end, particularly the eldest. He is quite erratic and loud, but as are all kids his age. Everytime, she just jumps straight to shouting and screaming at him, no attempt to calmly reason with him first, etc. Just off the bat she loses it. If she's not shouting at them, it just feels she's hypervigilant to her children not embarrassing her in public. They were crossing the road to come home last week and he was swinging her hand holding it. Her annoyed expression turned quickly into a mean glare at him, then back to the annoyed face.

Its the way she treats her DH that bothers me and makes me feel suspicious that she is actually abusing him. Every time I have seen them, he always has the baby. There was an incident a few weeks ago, im not sure what happened but they were going somewhere in the car and Andy was holding the baby and helping the eldest DC into the car aswell. He was struggling to move the seat belts in baby's car seat and Emily genuinely just lunged from behind him and shouted "just give her here!" And snatched baby from him. The baby started crying and she screamed at Andy "now look what you've done!". He seemed really down after this and I think he was apologising to her and got in the car.

Then last week, he was putting a plastic bottle in the black bin and she ran outside screaming at him "NOOO" shouting that its recyclables and it can't go in there. I was in my living room at the time and her shouting was so loud that I jumped and rushed to look outside thinking something really bad had happened. Its getting to be such a headache. I've noticed Andy spends most of his time outside when Emily's home, as well. Even if it's raining, he's out in the garden just finding things to do. Sometimes he just sits in the car.

I want to add that I had not met them yet at this point, and didn't want to knock on and welcome them because I was honestly scared to have my head bitten clean off for daring to knock on her door. I asked the neighbours on their other side if they had met them yet or been round, as I hadn't. They said they went over a week after they first moved in to welcome them to the neighbourhood, here if they needed anything etc (as they did with me and everyone else). They said it was Emily who answered, and she was very off in a strange way, giving one-word answers, didn't introduce herself, quick to get going, etc. I asked if they had heard her shouting a lot lately, and they were relieved to tell me they had but didn't want to say anything. They have also heard her shouting at her husband in particular quite often.

Then comes last week. On Monday, when taking DC to nursery, I seen Andy getting ready to take his son to school. I used this opportunity to try and talk to him and introduce myself finally. I gave him a big smile and said good morning, and smiled and said hello to his son, with my kids saying hi to them as well. He didn't say a word. He looked at me so sheepish and brief, smiled, and put his head down to look at the floor. He just stood there while we walked past. It was at this point i started to actually wonder if she has told him he isn't allowed to speak to me / other neighbours. He may not have just wanted to know, but his whole aura was just very off and strange.

Then came today. I was going to the shops with my youngest. I was walking past their driveway as she was about turn in in her car, so I mouthed 'sorry!' To her, gave her a smile and quick wave as a thanks gesture, and quickly scuttled past so she could see i was making every effort not to be a pest. This woman rolled her eyes at me and then frustratingly raised her eyebrows in response. I was mildly horrified by this to be honest. I thought she would of at least just done the customary smile and wave back, but that's when I realised she truly is just awful.

now, I don't want to judge, as nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. I initially wanted to believe that she was probably doing everything house and childcare wise, and was really stressed and burnt out etc. But neither of them seem to work, or at least not much (maybe wfh). They both seem to be home most of the day every day. Andy does the school drop off and pick up. He frequently takes their DC out and about with just him. She goes out by herself a lot, but not much with them. With everything else I've seen, I just cant help but feel she's just an outright vile person? I know i could have this so wrong but I just have this feeling inside like something isn't right. My gut instinct is telling me she is abusing him (and her kids to an extent), but that could just be me being hypervigilant of these things because of being in an abusive relationship previously.

Im obviously not going to meddle in their business, but i can't help but feel devastated that im going to have to live next to these people for however many years longer. We had such a lovely community here and it feels so dimmed now. One of my neighbours holds a barbecue every summer and we all take food/drinks and go over, it's the highlight of my year (I don't have many friends), and really don't want to feel like we would be excluding them by not inviting them as that would be really nasty, yet feel if they did come it would be awkward and they/she would likely ruin it, even if just by being miserable.

Im also concerned about playing with my kids in the back garden in summer. Our back fences are joined and very low, and i can already foresee the awkwardness. Even if not that, the noise alone would be enough to put me off going out. I already feel myself dreading taking my dog out in the garden to do his business. When their windows are open the shouting is so damn loud.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my novel. This is really bothering me though and I dont know what to do other than move house.

AIBU to dislike neighbour/s, and have concerns?

Omg thank god somebody gets it. You're neighbour is outright abusive and that sounds awful, her poor children. And poor you having to live with it. I really hope they do move for you! Feels like a lot of people on here just have perfect neighbours idk. Living next to this has just had such a bad impact on me. I dont deal well with shouting after growing up in a house where shouting was rife and every single day. Then being shouted and screamed at by my ex. Now whenever I hear shouting my body just goes into fight or flight. I cant help but look to ease my mind on at least knowing why there's so much shouting going on.

I don’t think it’s just that — the OP’s title isn’t ’Should I report my new neighbours because one spouse is being abused?’ but ‘To dislike my new neighbour’, and not only is there endless guff about how lovely all her existing neighbours are, and now the barbecue is the highlight of her year, she doesn’t seem able to distinguish in seriousness between the female neighbour not smiling when she was driving out of her drive when the OP was passing and her screaming continually at her husband. The OP seems equally concerned about how she’s going to ‘feel awkward’ in her garden in summer and ‘Andy’ sitting in his car.

I think her strange judgement and cluttering up an account of domestic abuse with random other stuff has had an impact on the responses.

Why are you so needlessly nasty. I have a dog thats walked twice daily, he still needs to be let.out to pee or poo several times beyond this. Do you have a dog? Do you not know this? Sometimes I even walk into the garden with him. 🙄

If you genuinely think that there is DA going on in a home where children are living, imo you have a duty to report it as a safeguarding issue imo.

Just do it.

You have created a whole scenario based on watching a neighbour who you don't actually know, asserting feelings to someone who you havent really spoken to. It may or may not be true that she is a thoroughly unpleasant individual but you don't actually know that. As others have said, you are overly invested in their lives.

I think PP have been quite nasty here. I was one of three children raised by the type of mother @PuggyPuggyPuggy describes. The neighbours could all hear. Open their doors (and larders as mine also did not feed us) whenever she kicked off. None of them called social services because they were too scared of making things worse but, honestly, I wish one of them had. It has taken decades and considerable therapy and tbh I am still not over it. It undermines my self confidence, my confidence in the parenting of my own children, seeps into every possible area of my life in terms of emotional resilience, anxiety and hypersensitivity to criticism from bosses and colleagues. My younger half sisters also carry the same scars and it has shaped their adult lives and relationships in similarly unhealthy ways. I wish a million times over someone had had the courage to call someone.

I really would have a chat with social services. Explain yourself as you do here - that you are trying not to judge as you have no idea what happens behind closed doors or what parenting and marital issues they may be juggling… but you are deeply uneasy by her manner and the way she speaks to the children, by their demeanour and that of the husband. The youngest is 1, so should still be under the car of a HV, so SS have an avenue in to investigate and offer support. Ultimately, it’s that support for the children that you are seeking.

I would also guess PND. With a side order of overwhelm from moving house with young kids.

Maybe Andy is being abused, but also maybe he is a shit useless husband and she is utterly sick to the back teeth of dealing with him but doesn't know how to leave. Or (while everyone is making up scenarios), he has a history of cheating, hence he won't make eye contact with the neighbour.

PND is more likely. Either way, rather than write them off, say hello properly and ask if she is ok.

Surprised and disappointed by the results. If OP had given the exact same scenario but suspected Andy of being abusive to Emily the responses would be very different.

And while there are loads of obnoxious curtain-twitcher threads on MN this genuinely doesn't seem like one. OP isn't spying on her neighbours in order to notice any of this, she's overhearing it and it seems unavoidable.

And it's the perennial dilemma of suspected abuse, where you can see/hear things that seem amiss and certainly indicate dysfunction, but there's a lot of space between a stressed, dysfunctional household and an outright abusive one, and you can't really report the former.

OP you have my sympathies - for both the situation and how powerless you are to do anything about it. All you can do is keep your eyes and ears open (not in a curtain-twitcher sense!) in case anything does become a smoking gun for abuse.

Jesus, you know every inch of detail about their movements. I think you are way too invested.
Moving house is stressful, you don't know anything about their lives. Maybe shes just taken him back and thry have moved house after he had an affair with the last neighbour... which might explain why she is wary of neighbours and hates her husband atm. Maybr her mum just died as well, or she has PND l, maybe her husband has just crawled back from an affair with a work colleage, maybe theyve just had to move from a huge house as he gmabled away all their money, maybe she is an abusive phsycho..

You arent going to know.

Didn’t read it all coz way too long but just ignore them if you don’t like the look of them like all the rest of us do

It sounds like abuse. Very much like abuse. Report it. Report it asap. Emily sounds a psycho.

You can report via NSPCC is you are worried, I grew up in a house like this and female on male abuse is still often laughed at by people, if it was the other way around I’m sure the responses would be different.

If you really want to help, get to know both of them. There may be abuse from her, it may be reactive abuse (ie he's abusing her, but very good at putting on the public face, whilst she's just lashing out at what has happened behind closed doors). None of us, including you, know.

However, a friendly face, a "I'm sorry it's taken so long to come and introduce myself properly". If you have dc of similar age to their 4 yo then invite DC over for a play-date. If DC see you and other neighbours as trusted adults, they will tell you if they are worried about something they've seen.

In the meantime, you're simply irked that someone whose face doesn't fit has moved in.

Just don't judge other people until you actually know their situation and don't project your own history and experiences onto theirs.

Just to suggest another explanation -
Could he perhaps be autistic and that's why his behaviour seems unusual, for example hanging. his head rather than making eye contact?
If so, he may have difficulties in joining in with domestic tasks, putting her under constant stress. That could explain her constant bad temper.
I could be completely wrong but that's another explanation, which would cover your feeling that everything is a bit strange with them.
I don't mean to offend any autistic people reading this thread!

I think it's patronising and unnecessary to comment on grammar mistakes. I often don't notice typing errors on MN and always feel grateful that no one points them out. It's the sign of a civilised site

I appreciate that you don’t mean to offend autistic people, but the inference is that ‘she may be grumpy because he is autistic’ is justifying her behaviour and condoning abuse of disabled people… not making eye contact and mumbling can also be a sign of just being abused, observed, scared. It’s common in abused and neglected children.

You fancy Andy!

@worldshottestmom
I read it all. Yes there does seem to be a few issues with them, and yes, men can be abused too. Does the oldest go to school? You could email the school and tell them what you've seen as I view this as a safeguarding matter. Those who are mocking you should be ashamed as it could be a serious matter.

Perhaps it was rude, I don't normally do it. I thought I was kinder than the dozen or so posters who said they couldn't be arsed to read it. But I didn't want to be told I was wrong to say the post was quite readable, when there were mistakes, so I added a qualifier.

OP I really don’t understand why you’re getting such a hard time on here. Yes the post was long but not too challenging for those with a reasonable reading comprehension and attention span!

You sound like a lovely caring person, and I’m sorry you had such a tough time in an abusive relationship in the past, and that you don’t have many friends.

I think you should call social services and have a chat. It could be that Emily is suffering from PND and needs help. Or she might just be horrible. Social services would be best placed to help out. I wouldn’t go in all guns blazing by calling the police at this stage.

Remember the (somewhat misquoted here) words of Edmund Burke: All that is required for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing.

OP what are the other neighbours experiencing? You seem to have good relationships with them, so maybe have a chat and see what their views are. Posters who say you are over-invested / curtain twitching need to F right off as they have clearly no idea what it's like to have a screaming neighbour. We had one 2 houses away but houses are in a kind of horse shoe shaped close so my god we ALL got the full brunt of this madman swearing and screaming abuse. Of course nobody dared go over and tell him to shut up - we were all too scared. So, yep, police got called, and that was the end of it. He moved out THANK GOD! Call the cops anonymously, don't wait another minute. If the neighbour confronts you blank her, just ignore. It wasn't you.

I would report to the eldest’s school, as screaming at a Year R child daily is going to damage them. It sounds like she is abusing her husband, if roles were reversed I dare say most of the comments would be about reaching out to the victim etc.
Perhaps she isn’t coping and by reporting she can get the help she needs as the school can do a mash referral.

I disengaged half way through.
You're too invested in others - couldn't read it all I'm afraid.

Some of these responses are downright bizarre! Maybe he is a shit husband, maybe he does weaponised incompetence, maybe he sits outdoors to avoid childcare..
None of those situations excuse her abusing him. It's like "look what you made me do."

You don’t need to be best friends with your neighbours just because you live on the same street.
The only thing you need to be concerned about is if there are genuine concerns that she is abusive especially towards the kids, you can contact SS if you think this is the case.