To dislike my new neighbour...

[worldshottestmom]

As usual, this post is going to be a novel.

So, I moved into my current house 6 years ago. Its detached, but with gardens connected by the fence (relevant later on). There's around 8 houses in a row, we live on a quiet street, and i absolutely adore living here. The neighbours in all of these 8 houses are absolutely wonderful, lovely people. I moved into such a rich community vibe, neighbours knocked on my door to welcome me (never had that before anywhere and it was so pleasant and nice to have), and everybody gets along really well.

Last year, my next door neighbours decided to sell up. After the initial sale last April, the new homeowners came round every so often to do bits they needed to do with the house and whatever. Its a man ('Andy'), a woman ('Emily'), and their 2 DC (Roughly 4 and 1, I would guess). I shit you not, every single time I have seen this woman she has a face like absolute thunder. Its honestly scary. The first time I seen her I thought maybe she's just stressed with the kids and house move, totally understandable.

The more they visited the house, each time was the same. Obvious look of visible anger on her face, but only when with her family. When she spoke to my old neighbours, she would just give a flat fake smile and say thanks for whatever. Always kept very brief.

They moved in around 3 months ago now. During this time I have seen this woman having screaming, horrible go's at her husband on numerous occasions. He always just puts his head down and seems to mumble and walk off. She shouts at her children to no end, particularly the eldest. He is quite erratic and loud, but as are all kids his age. Everytime, she just jumps straight to shouting and screaming at him, no attempt to calmly reason with him first, etc. Just off the bat she loses it. If she's not shouting at them, it just feels she's hypervigilant to her children not embarrassing her in public. They were crossing the road to come home last week and he was swinging her hand holding it. Her annoyed expression turned quickly into a mean glare at him, then back to the annoyed face.

Its the way she treats her DH that bothers me and makes me feel suspicious that she is actually abusing him. Every time I have seen them, he always has the baby. There was an incident a few weeks ago, im not sure what happened but they were going somewhere in the car and Andy was holding the baby and helping the eldest DC into the car aswell. He was struggling to move the seat belts in baby's car seat and Emily genuinely just lunged from behind him and shouted "just give her here!" And snatched baby from him. The baby started crying and she screamed at Andy "now look what you've done!". He seemed really down after this and I think he was apologising to her and got in the car.

Then last week, he was putting a plastic bottle in the black bin and she ran outside screaming at him "NOOO" shouting that its recyclables and it can't go in there. I was in my living room at the time and her shouting was so loud that I jumped and rushed to look outside thinking something really bad had happened. Its getting to be such a headache. I've noticed Andy spends most of his time outside when Emily's home, as well. Even if it's raining, he's out in the garden just finding things to do. Sometimes he just sits in the car.

I want to add that I had not met them yet at this point, and didn't want to knock on and welcome them because I was honestly scared to have my head bitten clean off for daring to knock on her door. I asked the neighbours on their other side if they had met them yet or been round, as I hadn't. They said they went over a week after they first moved in to welcome them to the neighbourhood, here if they needed anything etc (as they did with me and everyone else). They said it was Emily who answered, and she was very off in a strange way, giving one-word answers, didn't introduce herself, quick to get going, etc. I asked if they had heard her shouting a lot lately, and they were relieved to tell me they had but didn't want to say anything. They have also heard her shouting at her husband in particular quite often.

Then comes last week. On Monday, when taking DC to nursery, I seen Andy getting ready to take his son to school. I used this opportunity to try and talk to him and introduce myself finally. I gave him a big smile and said good morning, and smiled and said hello to his son, with my kids saying hi to them as well. He didn't say a word. He looked at me so sheepish and brief, smiled, and put his head down to look at the floor. He just stood there while we walked past. It was at this point i started to actually wonder if she has told him he isn't allowed to speak to me / other neighbours. He may not have just wanted to know, but his whole aura was just very off and strange.

Then came today. I was going to the shops with my youngest. I was walking past their driveway as she was about turn in in her car, so I mouthed 'sorry!' To her, gave her a smile and quick wave as a thanks gesture, and quickly scuttled past so she could see i was making every effort not to be a pest. This woman rolled her eyes at me and then frustratingly raised her eyebrows in response. I was mildly horrified by this to be honest. I thought she would of at least just done the customary smile and wave back, but that's when I realised she truly is just awful.

now, I don't want to judge, as nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. I initially wanted to believe that she was probably doing everything house and childcare wise, and was really stressed and burnt out etc. But neither of them seem to work, or at least not much (maybe wfh). They both seem to be home most of the day every day. Andy does the school drop off and pick up. He frequently takes their DC out and about with just him. She goes out by herself a lot, but not much with them. With everything else I've seen, I just cant help but feel she's just an outright vile person? I know i could have this so wrong but I just have this feeling inside like something isn't right. My gut instinct is telling me she is abusing him (and her kids to an extent), but that could just be me being hypervigilant of these things because of being in an abusive relationship previously.

Im obviously not going to meddle in their business, but i can't help but feel devastated that im going to have to live next to these people for however many years longer. We had such a lovely community here and it feels so dimmed now. One of my neighbours holds a barbecue every summer and we all take food/drinks and go over, it's the highlight of my year (I don't have many friends), and really don't want to feel like we would be excluding them by not inviting them as that would be really nasty, yet feel if they did come it would be awkward and they/she would likely ruin it, even if just by being miserable.

Im also concerned about playing with my kids in the back garden in summer. Our back fences are joined and very low, and i can already foresee the awkwardness. Even if not that, the noise alone would be enough to put me off going out. I already feel myself dreading taking my dog out in the garden to do his business. When their windows are open the shouting is so damn loud.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my novel. This is really bothering me though and I dont know what to do other than move house.

AIBU to dislike neighbour/s, and have concerns?

I doubt they will come to the bbq and she doesn’t sound like the type to hang enjoy her garden- indeed Andy is using it as a means of escape so I think you’ll be ok those counts. It’s a shame you didn’t make the effort to introduce yourself though. You’ve probably left it a bit late now and it’s made things more awkward

Also SS bar is pretty high and I’m not sure they’ll take much action for shouting but you could give it an go and see

I think sometimes the British ‘keep your nose out’ does us all a disservice. If you genuinely think she is being emotionally or verbally abusive to the children or husband then report it. She sounds like a complete dick and I understand why you don’t want to live next door to her but it is what it is sadly.

who says OP doesn't do this? My dog goes on 'proper' walks to the park, but he still needs to do wees/poos at other times of the day. I generally watch him while he's in the garden because he's a digger. Nothing at all wrong with accompanying your dog in the garden.

You’ve had some horrible, unkind responses OP. I would contact social services about the constant shouting because children can be severely affected by witnessing this kind of abuse.

I wish one of the neighbours in my small block of flats had done something all those years ago, when my ex used to kick off on a regular basis.

Do you think that excuses abuse?

If so, just in women, or in men, too?

Next time she's banshee screaming, call the police. Tell them there is adult and child abuse happening

There's no point doing nothing. The woman sounds unhinged

Maybe there's a reasonable reason behind it all. But from what you say it sounds like abuse

Lots of pointless and unhelpful comments to say too wordy and they ‘zoned out’. Why take the time to comment?! It does sound a little concerning. All you can do is monitor the situation and consider contacting SS if things persist/worsen. Always good to listen to our instincts and even if it amounts to nothing, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

It's to highlight that they find tales of potential male abuse victims boring and irrelevant.

@worldshottestmom It was a long OP, but congratulations it was reasonably clear and easy to read (I saw a couple of grammar mistakes but they didn't make anything unclear).

Not unreasonable to be unhappy your nice NDNs have been replaced by people you are unlikely to befriend.
Not unreasonable to try to approach the least threatening and introduce yourself
Not unreasonable to have concerns, but I think you should be concerned about the kids more than the husband.

If things are as you say they are you should report the situation to social services. It may be that Andy feels like he cannot leave because then his young kids would be stuck alone with their mother.

I'm surprised too.

Op, I expect your instincts are spot on.

Maybe the mother has mental issues or menopause??? And that excuses her abusing her family does it? WTAF?

So if it was a man that had ‘mental issues’, a was roaring at his wife and tiny children day in and day out, that would be okay too would it?

And if he’s a lump of gutlessness? Do you speak about abused women in the same way too? Honestly you should be ashamed.

Yes how interesting, if this was the other way round he would be an abusive prick. Op, I can understand your worries what a horrible situation to be in. How some people can take from your post you are a nosy curtain twitcher is beyond me.

You're getting alot of flack but a friend of mine had a similar issue, she libed in a flat and the neighbour in the flat across from her shouted at her children so loud she could hear her constantly. She'd leave the kids out in the garden in a buggy for ages in what was a communal garden open to the street. Obviously not coping but the screaming at the tiny children was so bad my friend reported her in the end and moved as she just couldn't stand to hear it being a mother to a baby herself.

You've had nice neighbours and now you have worrying ones, and it's not like it's happening behind closed doors as you can hear her shouting so it's bound to effect you. You also have the emotional burden of pity for the children and husband. I feel for you, but I'd say don't worry too much about bbqs and Summers yet, see what the year brings as it'll just add to your woea to worry in advance.

I have a male friend who was / is abused by his ex. To the point that charges have been made and the police have judged a risk to life.

Neighbour involvement was non-existent even though it was at times obvious what was going on, and that children were affected.

I think being aware and trying to be supportive if you see he is in a bad way. And definitely a call to SS if necessary. I don't blame you for being concerned. I'd hate to live next door to a situation like that.

OP I've noticed over the years that mumsnetters always seem to jump to the defence of shouty mums. I don't know why. If you'd reversed the sexes here I think the snarky replies would be much less.

I'd feel sad and on edge too.

All you can do is go about your life. Keep going in your garden, keep saying a polite and friendly hello to the husband and kids. Etc.

You could also look at what support is offered locally for men and children in these situations and have that info handy.

I would consider logging your concerns with the police or safeguarding. You can also log your concerns anonymously on the crime stoppers website I think.

Just wait and see how it pans out n the summer. There could be a lot of stress on her or she could just be a twat to avoid. they don’t want to be friendly so don’t bother talking to them but big smiles when you see them.

I know a couple very similar, they are about to have to sell up everything as business is going down the pan - the wife is sissy’s angry, he is tiptoeing around because basically the business failure is on him.

I also understand your concern. Very locally to me a man was hideously abused by his wife. It slowly escalated over the years, the neighbours befriended him and were instrumental in gaining a conviction against her. I know men make up a tiny percentage of DV victims but it doesn’t mean we should ignore them.

Quietly when Andy is alone at the right moment, I’d just say if you ever need a to talk my door is always open. Just pop for a cup of tea and we can talk if you’d like to. No judgement, no pressure just an escape for 10 minutes if you want.

Completely different situation but I remember when I was having work done on my house, it was a huge renovation and an absolute nightmare if I’m honest, my neighbour must have seen how stressed I was and just gave me a key and said if I ever want to escape and come over, just chill, sit down have a cup of tea to help myself.

What I’m trying to say is just having that option made a huge difference. Sometimes we open a door, that people didn’t realise was there.

@worldshottestmom I think this is a sad and worrying situation, and you are right to be concerned. I probably would report it to social services. If you can I’d try and befriend Andy. So sad.

Whenever I've been on a Safeguarding course for work, they always start by saying safeguarding of children is everyone's business. Please contact social services and tell them about the mother's behaviour. It may be that they are already aware of her, and the shouting you've witnessed adds to the bigger picture. Also, if the 4 year old is at school, it may be worth having a chat to the Safeguarding Lead at the school. Good luck OP, sounds like a horrible situation to deal with.

100%. I was just thinking this is a textbook case of MM double standards.

If Andy is being abused, befriending him will make things worse believe me, it will also put the OP in the firing line.

If this is true, then she needs to contact the police and/or social services. Not start trying to befriend the husband which could be seen as her trying to split up a husband and wife or interfering in the marriage of two people she doesn't know.

I get it, there's a woman a few doors along in my street who is always screeching abuse at her kids. I often think "Shit! what's happened!? " and jump up to look out of the window. Or I'm outside with the dog, and I jump and turn to look. She's got a really gruff voice and she's pretty loud, so to be fair, sometimes it only sounds like she's having a go at someone, but I think it's pretty clear when you can make out the words "NO YOU FUCKING CAN'T COME WITH ME! YOU'VE GOT NO FUCKING SHOES ON! NOW GET THE FUCK BACK INSIDE!" and you look to see it's a toddler she's screaming at 😬

For sale sign just went up outside their house this week, so fingers crossed.

Idk why everyone thinks i was judging them by saying this, I really wasnt lol. I pointed it out because I wa alluding to me wanting to initially presume she was maybe annoyed all the time because she has to do all the childcare and housework. However, if theyre noth home all / most of the time i dont see that really being the case, but again I dont know. I wasnt judging their working situation at all.

I also pointed out he always has the kids when ive seen them, and I didnt say this to say there's anything wrong with it, just again alluding to that she doesnt seem to have the kids all the time and do everything for them, so was ruling that out as a factor causing her constant annoyance. I know what it's like to be in a relationship and have to do literally everything, and thats not what that looks like. Maybe she does everything in the house, I dont know. Just a very strange situation and something just seems really not right.