To dislike my new neighbour...

[worldshottestmom]

As usual, this post is going to be a novel.

So, I moved into my current house 6 years ago. Its detached, but with gardens connected by the fence (relevant later on). There's around 8 houses in a row, we live on a quiet street, and i absolutely adore living here. The neighbours in all of these 8 houses are absolutely wonderful, lovely people. I moved into such a rich community vibe, neighbours knocked on my door to welcome me (never had that before anywhere and it was so pleasant and nice to have), and everybody gets along really well.

Last year, my next door neighbours decided to sell up. After the initial sale last April, the new homeowners came round every so often to do bits they needed to do with the house and whatever. Its a man ('Andy'), a woman ('Emily'), and their 2 DC (Roughly 4 and 1, I would guess). I shit you not, every single time I have seen this woman she has a face like absolute thunder. Its honestly scary. The first time I seen her I thought maybe she's just stressed with the kids and house move, totally understandable.

The more they visited the house, each time was the same. Obvious look of visible anger on her face, but only when with her family. When she spoke to my old neighbours, she would just give a flat fake smile and say thanks for whatever. Always kept very brief.

They moved in around 3 months ago now. During this time I have seen this woman having screaming, horrible go's at her husband on numerous occasions. He always just puts his head down and seems to mumble and walk off. She shouts at her children to no end, particularly the eldest. He is quite erratic and loud, but as are all kids his age. Everytime, she just jumps straight to shouting and screaming at him, no attempt to calmly reason with him first, etc. Just off the bat she loses it. If she's not shouting at them, it just feels she's hypervigilant to her children not embarrassing her in public. They were crossing the road to come home last week and he was swinging her hand holding it. Her annoyed expression turned quickly into a mean glare at him, then back to the annoyed face.

Its the way she treats her DH that bothers me and makes me feel suspicious that she is actually abusing him. Every time I have seen them, he always has the baby. There was an incident a few weeks ago, im not sure what happened but they were going somewhere in the car and Andy was holding the baby and helping the eldest DC into the car aswell. He was struggling to move the seat belts in baby's car seat and Emily genuinely just lunged from behind him and shouted "just give her here!" And snatched baby from him. The baby started crying and she screamed at Andy "now look what you've done!". He seemed really down after this and I think he was apologising to her and got in the car.

Then last week, he was putting a plastic bottle in the black bin and she ran outside screaming at him "NOOO" shouting that its recyclables and it can't go in there. I was in my living room at the time and her shouting was so loud that I jumped and rushed to look outside thinking something really bad had happened. Its getting to be such a headache. I've noticed Andy spends most of his time outside when Emily's home, as well. Even if it's raining, he's out in the garden just finding things to do. Sometimes he just sits in the car.

I want to add that I had not met them yet at this point, and didn't want to knock on and welcome them because I was honestly scared to have my head bitten clean off for daring to knock on her door. I asked the neighbours on their other side if they had met them yet or been round, as I hadn't. They said they went over a week after they first moved in to welcome them to the neighbourhood, here if they needed anything etc (as they did with me and everyone else). They said it was Emily who answered, and she was very off in a strange way, giving one-word answers, didn't introduce herself, quick to get going, etc. I asked if they had heard her shouting a lot lately, and they were relieved to tell me they had but didn't want to say anything. They have also heard her shouting at her husband in particular quite often.

Then comes last week. On Monday, when taking DC to nursery, I seen Andy getting ready to take his son to school. I used this opportunity to try and talk to him and introduce myself finally. I gave him a big smile and said good morning, and smiled and said hello to his son, with my kids saying hi to them as well. He didn't say a word. He looked at me so sheepish and brief, smiled, and put his head down to look at the floor. He just stood there while we walked past. It was at this point i started to actually wonder if she has told him he isn't allowed to speak to me / other neighbours. He may not have just wanted to know, but his whole aura was just very off and strange.

Then came today. I was going to the shops with my youngest. I was walking past their driveway as she was about turn in in her car, so I mouthed 'sorry!' To her, gave her a smile and quick wave as a thanks gesture, and quickly scuttled past so she could see i was making every effort not to be a pest. This woman rolled her eyes at me and then frustratingly raised her eyebrows in response. I was mildly horrified by this to be honest. I thought she would of at least just done the customary smile and wave back, but that's when I realised she truly is just awful.

now, I don't want to judge, as nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. I initially wanted to believe that she was probably doing everything house and childcare wise, and was really stressed and burnt out etc. But neither of them seem to work, or at least not much (maybe wfh). They both seem to be home most of the day every day. Andy does the school drop off and pick up. He frequently takes their DC out and about with just him. She goes out by herself a lot, but not much with them. With everything else I've seen, I just cant help but feel she's just an outright vile person? I know i could have this so wrong but I just have this feeling inside like something isn't right. My gut instinct is telling me she is abusing him (and her kids to an extent), but that could just be me being hypervigilant of these things because of being in an abusive relationship previously.

Im obviously not going to meddle in their business, but i can't help but feel devastated that im going to have to live next to these people for however many years longer. We had such a lovely community here and it feels so dimmed now. One of my neighbours holds a barbecue every summer and we all take food/drinks and go over, it's the highlight of my year (I don't have many friends), and really don't want to feel like we would be excluding them by not inviting them as that would be really nasty, yet feel if they did come it would be awkward and they/she would likely ruin it, even if just by being miserable.

Im also concerned about playing with my kids in the back garden in summer. Our back fences are joined and very low, and i can already foresee the awkwardness. Even if not that, the noise alone would be enough to put me off going out. I already feel myself dreading taking my dog out in the garden to do his business. When their windows are open the shouting is so damn loud.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my novel. This is really bothering me though and I dont know what to do other than move house.

AIBU to dislike neighbour/s, and have concerns?

Gosh, I think this post told me more about you than them.

I work from home (and have done for about 15 years) and I'm so confused about why you'd assume they don't work but maybe wfh rather than the reverse. Especially these days.

It feels wild to me that you've written such a long post about a family when you've never even spoken with them?!

There could be a whole host of reasons for whatever their family dynamic is. You just need to read fiction, watch dramas and films and plays to guess at the whys but that's all it is, guessing.

Maybe he had an affair and this move was a new start but she's still absolutely fuming with him and he's being sheepish about it as he knows he was a fool. Similarly, maybe he gambled away their money and they've had to move from a mansion to their current house and she's angry at the impact on their life in every way and he has his tail between his legs because he knows he cocked up. She could've had a brain injury which changed her personality. Maybe she's recently bereaved and in the midst of a mental health crisis and he's just trying to keep the peace. Perhaps they body swapped like in Freaky Friday. Perhaps they're aliens. Perhaps perhaps perhaps. Either way, you and we just don't know.

If you do have genuine concerns about domestic abuse, violence and/or emotional, of course you're allowed to report these concerns. There could be nothing in it. There could be everything in it. But that is only in relation to the screaming and shouting and that's so hard for us to gauge at a remove.

What's she shouting? "Get your shoes on" "why have you left your wet towel on the floor again" - is it from a place of frustration? Or is she aggressive? One of my friends found out that social services & the police had been involved at her ex's house due to his consistent shouting as a neighbour was concerned especially with a baby in the house. She made the right call because we already know that he's an abuser from his relationship with her.

Unfortunately, you do seem to have told on yourself a little bit in being incredibly invested in their lives, it reads as fairly nosey and possibly lonely as you say you don't have many friends and it sounds like you really rely on your lovely perfect existing neighbours.

It also unfortunately sounds like you're concerned about the social awkwardness around a BBQ at the same level of concern about potential concern about abuse in the household? Are you concerned about that or is the shouting just something you disapprove of?

The bit about you running across the driveway, honestly I think she's probably just not in a great mood. There could be all sorts of stressful awful things happening in her life and her work and she's just not got the energy to pull out a polite smile to the nosey neighbour who hasn't even come and said hi. She might be in a rush, she might be bursting for a wee, she might be exhausted by the feeling of being watched and judged.

Yes, I was planning on giving a very short account to them highlighting my concerns, obviously not mentioning barbecues etc as im not a valid moron, as so many have judged me as.

My concerns are her screaming at her kids on a daily basis, both in the house (can hear as we both have windows open) and in the garden. Her treatment of her husband also bothers me tbh.

This is a good reason for lodging a concern. These concerns all slot together to build a bigger picture.

Would you like somebody who screams at her infant children and husband on a Daily basis?

And what do you think she would say? How dare you lot come over and introduce yourself and say good morning to my husband? Strange comment.

Nobody thinks you are a moron but, in a huge post, most of your post was about how unfriendly she is, and how she doesn’t fit in, which is irrelevant to the issue if your concern is the children.

No - I was thinking more like ‘how dare you lot bitch about me because I don’t want to besties with you all’. Or ‘how dare you lot bitch about how I mistreat my DH’.

My neighbours (semi detached, our attached neighbours) scream at their children every single day. Max volume (like a pub fight) and telling them to f off sometimes. It's awful. It's been over 10 years and you don't get used to it. My childhood means that when I hear this I'm instantly upset and on edge. My daughter has slept with ear plugs since she was lottle to block out the noise. They often wake my 20 something son up in the night with shouting, so it's not just me that is bothered. The neighbours the other side moved house as they couldn't stand it any more (and they're not attached house). My only action is that when they start I put my music on really loud. Perhaps they hear it and realise we can hear them, perhaps they don't, but it blocks out the shouting. And the sound of kids crying. They're one of those insta families, all smiles and perfect photos on social media often posted within minutes of screaming. I've never been brave enough to contact SS, and sometimes feel guilty about this. To my shame I've never done or said anything partly because I have this gut feel that the man is just bad, and the woman is a victim but is joining in out of habit, if that makes sense. The kids seem ok and the eldest has started to shout back, so perhaps it will get louder. Anyway the point of my post was that if you don't get anywhere with SS, perhaps make some noise of your own when she's screaming, partly to ensure she realises you can all hear each other and partly to block it out for your own sanity.

I think a lot of comments like yours miss the point completely. Im tired of clarifying that I wasnt judging their working situation, just saying I assumed initially she may be annoyed from doing all housework / childcare alone, but given their at home seemingly all of the time and he otherwise always seems to have the kids, was ruling this out. I dont care about their work life or what they do.

I mentioned the BBQ / neighbourhood vibe because the shouting etc affects my own peace and personal life, which I am allowed to feel annoyed about. My primary concern, of course, is the safety of her children. It could be whatever whatever with her husband, but the way she speaks to him is outright disgusting. If he did cheat or whatever, and she took him back, it is not a free card to abuse him. In that case, she should just leave. Certainly isnt an excuse to scream at her kids daily.

Her being rude on the driveway was completely uncalled for. Ive been in many situations where I felt like telling someone to fuck off for inconveniencing me, but I didnt, I was polite in those scenarios, because I'm an adult. Thats just what you do.

Everyone is judging me for not going over and introducing myself and being the perfect neighbour, whilst simultaneously excusing this women screaming at her family, sulking around annoyed all the time, and being rude to me, her neighbour. Double standards, much? Kinda feels like a bandwagon of hate against me because ive been branded a 'curtain pincher', justifying this woman's actions to fuel that. So be it.

"How dare you lot bitch about how I mistreat my husband?"

So if a man said to his neighbours, "how dare you lot bitch about how i mistreat my wife" this is perfectly acceptable? Ridiculous.

Thanks for this. What an awful situation for those kids and you to be in, im so sorry. Its always the picture perfect families tbh. I will try combating the noise if it gets too much, right now I'm just closing my windows when she starts and that helps. Just irks me what her kids may be going through.

I'm glad you've decided to alert SS - an unhappy family might just need some help. I'd be wary about engaging hubby in conversation though, really none of your business (though I know you mean well) as you might as well light the touch paper and stand well back! She'd have every reason to lose her rag at that.

I don’t know if you are being deliberately obtuse. I think you must be. Okay, to make it easier to understand, how about ‘how dare you lot bitch about me because I don’t want to be part of your codependent community’.

Because that is the main focus of your OP.

Report to SS re the kids by all means and I get the noise etc is hard (someone suggested loud music which might help).

Gossiping about them with the neighbours is not a good look.

I've also commented elsewhere that you should report your concerns about the shouting. I'm not anti-reporting your safeguarding concerns. I think the really long initial post was too long and your main concern about the shouting really got lost in everything else.

She is allowed to have an angry face and to confront people. It might not be polite but some people aren’t.

If the children are your concern, your OP might have got different reactions if that is what you focussed on.

She doesn't know we have spoken about them explicitly, but honestly I dont know why everybody is trying to separate these two occurrences. If shes screaming and shouting at her kids every day outside and inside for everyone to hear, she can expect people are going to start talking. It isnt about her not being part of the community, it was more just an expectation for her to be civil at the least. Not very inviting to introduce yourself to someone with a face like a slapped arse 24/7 who is only ever seen screaming and shouting at infants and her husband.

I may of missed it but can your partner or partner of one of the other lady’s not try and befriend Andy.

If his being abused a women becoming his friend is going to set of bigger problems.

Maybe I missed a man trying to talk to Andy.

She might just be a Moany shouty person with resting bitch face or she could be abusive or something.

I dont have a partner, but this is a good call that maybe one of the other male neighbours could make an effort to try and befriend him. Just worried in case they seriously just don't want anything to do with anyone and we would all just be overstepping a personal boundary. That being said, her behaviour otherwise indicates there is more to it than that. Thanks for this

Unfortunately I think you would be overstepping, for all it comes from a place of kindness. She doesn’t want to be involved with you all and if she is abusive, it won’t help him if he has people ‘befriending’ him.

Of course it’s two separate things.

If you are concerned about the children, report.

That Is completely separate from saying it’s not very inviting to introduce yourself to someone with a face like a slapped arse. She didn’t choose to introduce herself to anyone, it was the rest of the street who decided to speak to her.

Separate her behaviour with the children from everything else. You can’t change her behaviour so report her if you want but then get on with your lives.

Social care can’t give out your information. If they did a referral and the neighbour did a subject access request, they would send her the contents of the phonecall but redact your name and address. So just be careful how you say it, like don’t say “next door but one” and don’t say you’re married or whatever may identify you, if that makes sense.

And just to add, with your situation involving children, under latest guidance, what they are witnessing is now considered abuse towards the children themselves.

Thank you for this. Going to call soon, just wanted to make sure I had everything I wanted to say clearly, brief and in order. Will be careful not to include specific details about me. Thanks!

You “let” him out , you don’t “take” the dog out to the garden so it can do its business . Ridiculous

no but are you weird?
You said you “dreading taking my dog out in the garden to do his business”
why do you need to “take” it out. Why not “let” it out . Then you don’t have to “dread” seeing the neighbours as you’re still in home, where people tend to be when they “let” their dog out. Your post implies you take dog out for a walk in garden . I should hope you do take your dog a proper walk twice a day and not just a walk in the garden. ( nor round the block / streets , as some lazy dog owners do - not saying you ).

It could be the wake-up call she needs to go see a doctor.