Have I stolen friend's job

[LucasBall25]

A bit of background: I’m part of a friendship group of women in our mid-40s. We’ve known each other about 4–5 years through a sports club and most of us have kids.

For most of the time I’ve known them I’ve been self-employed, but I didn’t properly go back to work after my second child. I do a bit of graphic design for a couple of clients, but my DH has a very full-on job with lots of international travel, so that arrangement has worked for us. However, there’s always been a bit of an assumption that I’m basically a stay-at-home mum doing very little whose always done very little, which isn’t true. Before kids I worked in an agency and was at senior/executive level.

One woman in the group let's call her Sara, has been unhappy in her job for as long as I’ve known her. It’s a serious corporate role, fully remote and very well paid. They do though asI understand have huge financial commitments — four kids in private school (one boarding) and a big house build that went over time and budget. So leaving not an option but she often talks about wanting to do something different and has lots of “dream” business ideas — jewellery on Etsy, interior design, a gift shop, co-working space, etc.

Last year I decided I wanted to do something more myself, but it needed to fit around the kids and my DH’s travel. We live in a small market town so options are limited.

I randomly applied for a part-time job at a small antiques shop/interior design studio. I haven’t worked in retail for years, but my mum owned a bridal boutique when I was growing up and I previously worked with lifestyle and interiors brands, so I had a bit of relevant background. It’s only part-time and not much above minimum wage.

The odd thing is that the reaction from the group hasn’t been very positive.

A few weeks after I started, I was in the car with this friend when her husband called. She mentioned she was with me and we were on speaker. He hung up, then called back saying he actually wanted to speak to me. He said congratulations on the job, then added that my friend would have loved that job, that it would have been her dream job, and that I’d “stolen it”. Then he hung up.

It was incredibly awkward. She looked mortified and we just changed the subject. It’s never been mentioned since.

But since then her husband has been noticeably frosty with me, and none of the group ever ask about my job. If I mention it, the conversation quickly moves on.

Have I really “stolen” anything? She’s probably earning close to £100k, so I can’t see how a small part-time retail job would ever realistically have been an option for her anyway.

This. The OP said in her OP that she’s only known this group for four or five years, and for that period she’s been self-employed doing bits of graphic design very PT, and that most of them assumed she was a SAHM. They probably think that still. They just don’t particularly associate her with the world of work, hence not asking about it.

I know working women who would look down their nose at what they'd perceive to be a kept woman with a hobby-sounding job. And most people do not have the guts to say what they really think to someone's face. You don't say what they all do though, so that might not apply here. And wouldn't explain her husband's bizarre comments.

Basically, there's no way of knowing unless you ask the group!

God love you OP.
How absolutely batshit.
I mean really unhinged stuff.
Tell them nothing about thd job or business.
They are not your friends.
Slow fade would be my advice.

Yanbu, this really is beyond weird.

There may be more to this if they are all still side eyeing each other when you mention work. I’d ask your sanest friend what the story is.

Going by this update surley it's time you asked around as to why certain members are still being shady when you talk about your job.

If Sara's DH is still being off hand I'd either ask what his reason's are or at the very least ask Sara, sounds like the sniping will only stop when you put a stop to it.

I'd be intrigued and I would ask Sara direct when you are with her by yourself - or if she and her husband are there then even better! It seems bonkers to me. Not taking away from your job but of course anyone can apply for that sort of job - local, retail, art store (or if she has funds even start her own). One thing that occurs to me - do they think you own the store and started it yourself? Is it clear that you work there? If they think you own it then maybe it's jealously, but I can't see why they'd be jealous otherwise.

If these are your friends, when they go quiet and side eye each other about your job, can't you just say: "hold on a mo, this is getting weird: can we have a conversation about my job and why it is a hot potato topic." Or if you don't want to do it in the group, can't you just chat to Sara one on one in a friendly way to find out what the issue is? It seems really odd.

What stands out for me is that only the husband has been nasty to you, and Sara herself seems to have been embarrassed by his behaviour. I don't see much evidence that she even agrees with him about the "stolen" job, but she does sound a bit under his thumb. I'd be vaguely keeping an eye out to see if he has a consistent habit of speaking "for" her, claiming to know how she feels (especially if she isn't telling the same story). He may or may not be successfully controlling her in any way, but he sounds like the type who would like to, and she may need some support at some point down the line.

So you can still ask Sara what on earth is going on with her husband and why he think you stole the job. Also you can ask the friends why they are acting like this about your job. You can ask these things, it’s actually bit baffling why you won’t but you’re happy to wonder and fret about this whole thing. Just ask at least then you’ll know

Maybe there has been words between them about her job and perhaps she said she’d love to do something similar to you. Of course he’s being utterly ridiculous. You haven’t stolen anything from anyone.

Is it possible Sarah has been lying to her DH a bit? That she's painted a picture of her getting the shop job and then taking over the business and becoming a massively successful interior designer, supplying every high end home make over in the county and still having oodles of time to spend on the family? And when you got the job she used that as an excuse to him as to why none of it was going to happen?

That's a bit of a bizarre scenario but you seem to be caught in a bizarre situation!

If this is still bothering you and affecting group dynamics (since you apparently can't talk about your job with them) I would get together with Sarah for a coffee ASAP and get it out in the open. Probably something along the lines of - WTF is going on and why is your DH a bit of a dick to me nowadays?

You have to ask her directly ‘I have noticed this is still an issue, Did you apply for this job, do you want to swap jobs?’

Tesco is always needing staff .

How could you have stolen a job she never applied for?

@viques hahahaha

Friends don’t “side-eye” each other when their friend is talking.

This is too batshit to be real, also if you live in a small market town where everyone knows each other why have you posted so many personal and outing details?

Wow. You're friend/ husband is bonkers. Even if you're a billionairre. If you wanted to work part time in a shop youre entitled too. Everyone has the same opportunitt to apply. Id be steering clear from her or the group if possible.

The annoying thing is about 2 years ago she went for a job at a big employer locally, possibly her only real option without going further afield/into London and keeping the same salary. Didn't get it.

A pt role came up there around 6 months later - totally different department but would have been great for me hours and salary wise - dry as toast and I'd likely have be bored to tears and didn't really want it but more flexible/better paid than current.

I purposely didn't bloody apply though because I thought that will open some old wounds and stayed clear!!

Is there another member of this group that you could ask for an explanation? This is all totally batshit. I wonder if maybe she saw you get the job and thought to herself oh I would have liked to have done that, I wish I'd applied. If the group are still making eyes whenever it comes up then it's definitely an issue for some reason.

They’re all bonkers but please keep us updated if you do have it out with them. “WTF were you on about when you said I stole her job?” might be a fun place to start 😆

@LucasBall25 why don't you just message her and say that clearly your job is causing some sort of issue in the group, so could she let you know what it is?

Reads like everyone is talking about you behind your back, so they're not really as good friends as you would think they are.

fully agree with this, and also with @Aluna who said that as much as everyone recommends that honest conversations are the best way to sort out agreements (although I often think that those who are the most vociferous about this on MN are probably the meekest and shyest people in RL who wouldn't even point out a discrepancy in the bill!), often it's better to just let minor things blow over.

The fact they haven't and the husband is still being weird with you is utterly batshit. Up to you if you do now think this is the time to have a quiet word, or just accept he is a complete knob, continue to ignore and see if you can have some fun with it! i.e. mentioning how much you LOVE your new job whenever he's around, taking bets with yourself before events about how weird he's going to be, etc.

If you want to go full WW3 next time he mentions it you could say something like "Oh I know, I'm so lucky my DH earns enough for me to do a lovely part time job I really like. I feel so sorry for poor Emma that she can't do the same!' See the steam rise from his ears.....

Or even "Oh that's reminded me, the owner did mention there might be another part time vacancy coming up soon. Shall I recommend Emma?' cue panic as he realises he'll have to admit there's no way she would ever actually go for it!

@LucasBall25 If they’re giving you funny looks I’d have to ask. I’d also ask if she’d applied and (assuming she hasn’t, almost certainly) I’d have to say ‘why did your DH tear me off and say I stole your job?’ It is nuts. They can all sod off.

A retail job won’t pay those private school fees.

@Muffinmam exactly what I thought.