Have I stolen friend's job

[LucasBall25]

A bit of background: I’m part of a friendship group of women in our mid-40s. We’ve known each other about 4–5 years through a sports club and most of us have kids.

For most of the time I’ve known them I’ve been self-employed, but I didn’t properly go back to work after my second child. I do a bit of graphic design for a couple of clients, but my DH has a very full-on job with lots of international travel, so that arrangement has worked for us. However, there’s always been a bit of an assumption that I’m basically a stay-at-home mum doing very little whose always done very little, which isn’t true. Before kids I worked in an agency and was at senior/executive level.

One woman in the group let's call her Sara, has been unhappy in her job for as long as I’ve known her. It’s a serious corporate role, fully remote and very well paid. They do though asI understand have huge financial commitments — four kids in private school (one boarding) and a big house build that went over time and budget. So leaving not an option but she often talks about wanting to do something different and has lots of “dream” business ideas — jewellery on Etsy, interior design, a gift shop, co-working space, etc.

Last year I decided I wanted to do something more myself, but it needed to fit around the kids and my DH’s travel. We live in a small market town so options are limited.

I randomly applied for a part-time job at a small antiques shop/interior design studio. I haven’t worked in retail for years, but my mum owned a bridal boutique when I was growing up and I previously worked with lifestyle and interiors brands, so I had a bit of relevant background. It’s only part-time and not much above minimum wage.

The odd thing is that the reaction from the group hasn’t been very positive.

A few weeks after I started, I was in the car with this friend when her husband called. She mentioned she was with me and we were on speaker. He hung up, then called back saying he actually wanted to speak to me. He said congratulations on the job, then added that my friend would have loved that job, that it would have been her dream job, and that I’d “stolen it”. Then he hung up.

It was incredibly awkward. She looked mortified and we just changed the subject. It’s never been mentioned since.

But since then her husband has been noticeably frosty with me, and none of the group ever ask about my job. If I mention it, the conversation quickly moves on.

Have I really “stolen” anything? She’s probably earning close to £100k, so I can’t see how a small part-time retail job would ever realistically have been an option for her anyway.

you need to speak to Sara, stop shying away from discussing what her dh said, it’s just weird. Find out what’s going on.

Do you think this is all coming from the husband really rather than "Sara"? He sounds a bit of a dick, is it possible he started stirring this up into a "thing" as a way to make his wife feel bad (if she hates her job but can't easily change) or to make trouble in the group? And/or to put the "blame" for her having to stick out that job on you rather than on their circumstances? (What's his job/earning power compared to hers? Could he be feeling inadequate and trying to make her feel bad about her work because of that?). You said she seemed mortified when he brought it up, and that it hadn't settled so much of an issue when he wasn't around.
Also do your friends actually know how little you earn from it?

She should've applied then.

And you're a designer by trade with retail experience. She's not.

So why would they employ someone who's previous job was VP level corporate ? They've no experience and would seem overqualified in the wrong area.

And how can she afford to go down to near min wage with hundreds of thousands in school fees to cover and a giant house that's not built yet?

So she most probably wouldn't have been picked over you anyway. Nor would it be her 'dream job'.

This whole thing is quite mad

The next time you get an awkward silence or notice some shifty eyes when you mention work, can you say something like ‘sorry but can I just address the very obvious issue you all have with my job? What’s with that?’

I think Sara has an issue with it, she’s jealous. The others don’t want to tell her she’s being ridiculous.

You didn't even know she applied! Besides, even if you did, it's not like the final decision was your anyway. Sometimes things just don't work out the way we'd like them to, this is how it happened for your friend. Nothing to beat yourself up over.

If I were you, I'd either drop them all - they are clearly no friends and also bonkers - especially the husband lol
Or I'd have to openly say something to their faces, but doubt they'd tell the truth. There's literally no good explanation to their behaviour, apart from the above - bonkers!
Personally I couldnt be friends with people like these, wouldn't have seen 'Sara' or her husband at all after his insane accusation.
Why are you still meeting these people?

And yes clearly Sara is jealous, though realistically she wouldn't take your job even if she were hired tomorrow!
Deeply unhappy with her life and would love an escape like yours - her problem though is her ££££££ lifestyle. Completely her choice. If her priorities have changed, she needs to sell her big house and put the kids in public school - sorted.

Let it go. It feels like you're here months later for a bit of a bitch.
Her husband was a twat. She was mortified. Not sure why everyone is jumping on this friend and the other women when it was the man who was in the wrong. And why you are going on about her financial circumstances is beyond me.

@LucasBall25 I would purposefully link any and all conversations to your work until the elephant in the room is talked about and people move on, bugger the side eyes and swift subject change, life is too short for awkwardness with friends.

A lot of assumptions going on here. Firstly, you assumed a lot About what you assumed others were thinking of you and your working life. There doesn’t seem to be any clear communication or honesty between you and this group of friends.
Ask Sara! Start by using an assertiveness technique, by using self disclosure. So begin by saying. ‘Sara, I feel really uncomfortable about bringing this up but…
or ‘ Sara I’ve been feeling a bit confused about what went on in the car that day…’

I’d send her a message or talk to her next time you see her. Ask her what he meant and that you’ve noticed an atmosphere from her dh and others when you mention the job.

Do you have someone in the group you’re closer to? You could ask them.

This is so odd! Don’t beat yourself up for not having a snappy reply in the moment, most people would have been mystified.

Tbh I don't think she would get a part time job in a shop anyway, if her current one pays that much. I've seen it happen before, a lady with a "big job" applied for part time retail where I worked and it raised a few red flags. It's an enormous step down.

Why would wanting a non-stressful part-time job for a bit be 'raising a few red flags'? Loads of people do it for all sorts of reasons.

I can remember working in a stressful managerial position with endless reporting deadlines and unhappy colleagues, but i had to do it to support 2 kids and a mortgage on my own. I would watch others on my bus getting off at a warehouse to do their packing and forklift jobs, they all looked so healthy, no stess, no deadlines, happy and making jokes. I would have swapped places with any of them if i could have, and i know i'd love driving a forklift.

Her husband is batshit ignore her.

I had something similar. A few of us at a previous job were made redundant. Everyone found other jobs although some in not ideal locations. It coincided with my maternity leave so I had an extra year off compared to the rest.

A job turned up more local to us just as my mat leave was finishing. Slight step down for me but everything else was an hour commute so worth the step down.

got the job, happy days. Until at a wedding and one of the former colleagues husband had a right go at me for taking the job as it was inconveniencing his wife to have to commute and the job would have suited her better than me.

Er what?! I had no job, she did, I had kids she didn’t, so an hour commute would have inconvenienced me more.

very unfair of him to even say anything.

You need new friends.

This is a weird reverse envy thing I’m sure!

In my experience they generally want someone permanent who has relevant work experience and will take the job seriously, not someone who wants an easy job "for a bit". My manager at the time was also worried that she was suffering from burn out, possibly poor mental health and that the wages we earned wouldn't be enough for her usual lifestyle.

That sounds like a lot of assumptions and profiling. Relevant work experience is a fair point, but the rest regarding why they want the role and if they take it seriously should be determined in the interview. And assuming poor mental health is just outright unfair and descrimination.

Some people just want a good regular job, with no commute, no expectation to constantly work late, no pressure, and a good working environment. It doesn't have to be a 'red flag'.

In fairness, if I knew someone was earning £100k a year, I would be surprised if they could take a 70% or so pay cut. There would be a chance that she would think it would be fine and then realise she needed to go back to tax law once she’d been paid for a few weeks or months.

She has an interview. I can understand the appeal but there are very solid reasons hiring someone currently on £100k to work part time for minimum wage is problematic. It's not usually what they are looking for and I think it would be difficult to get taken seriously.

Can you rip the bandaid off and message them both to ask what exactly you have done wrong as you have no idea how getting a job in a shop can have offended them so much.

Hence why ny friend who used to be an accountant with a 1st class honours degree is being passed up for jobs - he had a stroke that's given him a mild physical and mental disability which has caused him to drastically re-evaluate his life. But i guess he's just being written-off as a 'red flag' before he even gets over the threshold.