DH not making dinner when I was out until 6 pm..

[meorhimU]

yesterday I had a sports event to attend that ran from 1 pm until 6ish. My DH knew about it and was at home with our kids, 4 and 6.

the kids ate at around 12-12:30, I made lunch before I left.

when I got back, he’d made no dinner and complained about being hungry and @ what are we going to eat. I hurt myself doing sports and was limping quite badly.

I defrosted some steaks and made dinner, limping around in pain. While he did some admin on his laptop. He then complained I hadn’t take the bins out all week ( not true, they’d just filled up again over the weekend ).

I said, I thought it was really not great that he didn’t even think to make dinner- waited for me to get home and knew I was in pain, limiting, yet still didn’t help me or offer to make dinner. He said he didn’t realise I was in so much pain..

my DD who is 6 perked up and heard me and later called him lazy for not helping mummy when he knew I was in pain. All I wanted to do is just sit down and put my feet up, my body was sore wrecked after all the exercise and the injury. He could see I wasn’t walking well at all.

he was annoyed that my daughter pulled him up on it too and essentially blamed me for telling him off about it. It’s just common decency he should have made dinner and also even if he hadn’t made it yet by the time I got home, he should have taken care of it- seeing I was in pain.

I didn’t tell him to do it because I felt guilty that I left him alone with the kids all afternoon and felt like I had to do it. But I also know if I had asked him to do it, he would have been annoyed.

My wife normally does dinner, I do other things, if she is late back I'm not always looking at the time or thinking about it. I think an explicit ask earlier in the day - I'll be late back please do dinner I have no issue doing it. If it's not on the forefront of his mind I can see it not happening not just because he's being an AH. An explicit ask, I'll be late back please do dinner, there's x and y in the fridge if you want to use them, please don't use a&b I have plans for them helps.

So many sad and petty marriages.
Not surprised the divorce rate is so high.

Non-cook doesn't get to set the standards or "be unhappy" with what the cook provides. Non-cook gets to say THANK YOU, and possibly some constructive feedback if and only if requested, and that's it. If non-cook is genuinely unhappy with the food they can do the cooking.

(I am the non-cook in our household!)

This situation seems like a weird communication failure to me because I can't really imagine a situation where DP and I haven't talked about what dinner will be and who is responsible for sorting it out at the start of the day. But I also feel it's the tip of the iceberg when it comes to OP's DH acting like an entitled dickhead.

I think you should have used your words directly to him. "You're hungry? Why haven't you started dinner, then? Why is it solely my job? Now, why don't you crack on and do it."

But surely if you're aware your wife is going to be late back, as in past the time you'd normally have dinner, wouldn't you just assume you'd be making dinner? Is that just not a given? Why do you need to explicitly asked to cook dinner? I find it hard to believe you never look at the time if your wife is late back. Do you not have a phone?

Then you sound equally ridiculous!

Let him be moody and ignore it! The world won't end. You scrabbling around trying to be accommodating and pre-empt his moods is such an unhealthy dynamic. He's being abusive and you're not affirming any personal boundaries, and this is what your DC will learn relationships look like.

Why are you so scared of his moods? What form do they take?

Nor would I.

Bath, book, and bed.

How can feeding your children not be at the forefront of your mind while caring for them though? It’s one of the most basic parts of looking after them surely?

Do you also think it's okay for him to expect high standards of food but not contribute? Be moody and sulky because he has to look after his own children and occasionally put the bins out? Ignore that his wife is in pain? Acuse her of purposely not emptying the bins to get at him? Ignore the impact on the children of him treating his wife like a household appliance?

I agree with your daughter. He does sound lazy. And entitled, and a moody twit.

All these men who have no idea at home unless specifically directed in their tasks, are they like this at work too? Or are they able to miraculously conjure up a shred of initiative when there isn't a woman about to do it all?

Of course it doesn't "blow my mind". You and your husband obviously have a system that works for you, that's great, I envy you not needing a diary to remember. I do because I am extremely forgetful and disorganised without one and so is my husband, but what we do remember to do is stick stuff in our diary and look at it. I can see that you think that needing a diary for this is somehow a massive sign of incompetence and incapability on our parts though I don't really understand why. But OP and her husband don't have my system or your system, do they, which is why she's posting on here about having had to cook dinner when she came home and you and I are not. I have suggested one way of dealing with this sort of thing going forward (try talking about it in advance, it works for us) and you have a different view which is that he is obviously in the wrong because he should have known he was supposed to cook. But presumably you can see that talking about it in advance might have been a way to manage this even if it's not what you do.

why does an adult man need arranging by another adult to ensure his children eat dinner?

Why, if you are out, is it even an expectation on you to cook dinner? i find all these excuses for why men can't do something so infantile. they are not amoebas, they are adults with children, if a man cannot figure out he needs to feed a small child after FIVE hours since their last meal, then he is quite frankly an idiot who shouldn't be operating heavy machinery.

Your home sounds like an unhappy and uncooperative one, coupled with the fact that you clearly tip toe around his moods and laziness.

It is no way to live long term and I suspect that you have bigger issues than just him failing to prepare dinner. YANBU btw. If that had been a female partner/friend or relative at home, food would most certainly have been made. I loathe how low the bar is for men. One of the reasons I remain happily divorced

Men like this are absolutely useless. And then to whine about being hungry as if he did not have two hands.

Eugh.

This is how things would work with us - I don't cook so if DP is going to be late back (planned or otherwise) he'll let me know. Either I'll pull something out of the freezer, or I'll sort something super simple, or he'll say he can pick something up on the way back. It's just basic communication.

Conversely if we haven't had that conversation and I know he'll be late back I'm perfectly capable of messaging him to say I can sort it out (or if I'm also back late/super busy, I'll suggest a takeaway).

None of the above is especially difficult.

Well, sadly, you have way bigger problems than last night's dinner.

I'm sorry you live with an emotionally abusive asshole, OP. I'm sorry you have to walk on eggshells to try to avoid the silent treatment. I'm sorry he gaslights you by saying, for example, you leave the bins full for him. I'm sorry you can't even go out to do sport for an afternoon without him making you feel guilty and making you (and your children) pay for it by refusing to make dinner.

And I'm sorry for all those commenting that you should have arranged something for dinner have such low bars for a partner's behaviour.

My DH wouldn't leave the dog without her tea if I was out, let alone children!

Too male to look at a clock is a whole other level of incompetence 😂

I don’t understand why you felt guilty

i I don’t understand why you are so concerned with him being annoyed

usual question from me. What does he bring to the party? And DON'T say "oh he's a great dad"

I’m shocked to read so many messages saying you should have reminded him that he needed to cook dinner before you went. He is an adult and a parent - this is the whole issue with the mental load that women carry. Yes a conversation would have been helpful, but it’s not on women to parent their husband and partners. Don’t accept it!

Is it especially difficult to know your own children need to eat dinner without the other person telling you though?

Fathers should not have to be reminded to cook their own children dinner. The fact that this needs to be stated is shocking.

I would have cooked something very simple for yourself and your DD and let your DH take care of himself.

Yes, I never understand what they mean when they say this - because if he can't get off his arse and feed his kids, he's a crap dad.