DH not making dinner when I was out until 6 pm..

[meorhimU]

yesterday I had a sports event to attend that ran from 1 pm until 6ish. My DH knew about it and was at home with our kids, 4 and 6.

the kids ate at around 12-12:30, I made lunch before I left.

when I got back, he’d made no dinner and complained about being hungry and @ what are we going to eat. I hurt myself doing sports and was limping quite badly.

I defrosted some steaks and made dinner, limping around in pain. While he did some admin on his laptop. He then complained I hadn’t take the bins out all week ( not true, they’d just filled up again over the weekend ).

I said, I thought it was really not great that he didn’t even think to make dinner- waited for me to get home and knew I was in pain, limiting, yet still didn’t help me or offer to make dinner. He said he didn’t realise I was in so much pain..

my DD who is 6 perked up and heard me and later called him lazy for not helping mummy when he knew I was in pain. All I wanted to do is just sit down and put my feet up, my body was sore wrecked after all the exercise and the injury. He could see I wasn’t walking well at all.

he was annoyed that my daughter pulled him up on it too and essentially blamed me for telling him off about it. It’s just common decency he should have made dinner and also even if he hadn’t made it yet by the time I got home, he should have taken care of it- seeing I was in pain.

I didn’t tell him to do it because I felt guilty that I left him alone with the kids all afternoon and felt like I had to do it. But I also know if I had asked him to do it, he would have been annoyed.

@DotAndCarryOne2
We are only seeing a small part of the picture here. It’s not necessarily ‘weaponising incompetence’; the key word in my post is ‘perspective’.

It annoying, of course, but what is the overall picture of the marriage?

I’m surprised by some of the comments on here. He’s an adult and shouldn’t have to be told to cook/what to cook like he’s a child. If he sees the bin is full he should be able to take it out without waiting till you get home to complain about it. Being left alone for 5 hours with his own children shouldn’t require everything being explained and prepared for him.

Who cares what he’s happy with though!!!
Jesus Christ woman!! If he’s got such high standards for food he can occasionally make it. You’re not his slave at his beck and call.
You’ve also complained that the kids were grumpy and got to bed late with the whole steak drama.

My husband and I just talk about these things in advance. I can see it both ways, OP, I understand where you're coming from but if I had been at home with kids for six hours I might expect my husband to take over and cook when he got in or we might have agreed otherwise depending on the activity.

I stopped reading when you started making dinner why did you do that? Go and put your poor feet up and tell him to get the dinner? Why wouldn’t you have done that?

The overall picture seems to be that the OP does stuff and thinks about stuff, the DH doesn't, and he gets 'moody' and 'annoyed' at random but frequent intervals about random but frequent things.

The OP says, 'I rang him on the way home and he already mentioned what was going on for dinner and he’s hungry and there’s no dinner and so we even have any food ? And he then said ah yes the steaks and he didn’t even take them out.'
How much more talking is required?

…and which pans to use…🙃

Lack of communication is the main issue. Silly things like these wreck many marriages. Next time before you go out, put some meat with veggies in a casserole and tell him the time when to put it in the oven, and set the reminder. He won't have excuses then and none of this fake incompetence will work.

Are you serious? So, OP goes out until 6. The family usually eat at around this time but despite him (an adult) being home he isn’t expected to make dinner. Why? OP would have had she been there with the kids. What makes it different? Because he is a man?

Honestly, it’s ridiculous. Of course he should have made dinner.

I think in any reasonable relationship there would have been a discussion about what was going to be done about dinner before you left. For all he knew you would come home desperate for takeaway curry after your exertions. Then you made dinner anyway when you didn't want to, and blamed him for you making that choice.

Your relationship does not sound reasonable and allowing your 6 year old to speak for you is very damaging to all of you.

He isnt a child. He is a grown man who can make dinner whilst his wife is out. I would be annoyed op. He is a husband and father he can make dinner.

What!?????

nope. It is the same as "driver chooses the music, shotgun shuts their piehole"

Cook chooses dinner. If the non-cook doesn't like that? they can cook/plan/shop.
But there is more going on here.
Time for you both to talk about what you want from your relationship, what you are getting from your relationship and how that relationship looks going forward. With or without the help of a therapist. Also the same but for how you parent.

Silly things like thinking a man might be able, after a conversation about dinner and a specific mention of the food intended for dinner, be capable of cooking it?
Next time before you go out, put some meat with veggies in a casserole and tell him the time when to put it in the oven, and set the reminder. I might do that for a teen (MIGHT, not definitely would) but for a grown man, are you kidding?
He won't have excuses then and none of this fake incompetence will work. But that sort of nonsense just perpetuates the fake incompetence; that's precisely how it works.

As far as I can see from what OP has posted, the overall picture is of a man who accuses OP of leaving certain jobs to pile up for him, is easily irritated when he’s asked to do things, and clearly, if the bin situation is anything to go by, walks past jobs that need to be done until OP does them. He has ‘high standards’ when it comes to food and won’t accept simple meals like beans on toast when there are other priorities, but can’t get it together to cook himself. Add to that the moodiness for no apparent reason, which has an effect on the rest of the household, and the fact that OP says he isn’t fun to be around, and it sounds like a pretty miserable existence for all concerned.

Genuine question: can people not read or comprehend?
I'm repeating myself here, but the OP says, I rang him on the way home and he already mentioned what was going on for dinner and he’s hungry and there’s no dinner and so we even have any food ? And he then said ah yes the steaks
There was a discussion. He didn't act on it.

Perhaps you and I have different understandings of the phrase "in advance". My husband and I would have talked about it that morning or earlier in the week and our shared calendar would say who was making dinner.

If OP's husband speaks to her on the way home and says "what are we having for dinner" and she says "steak" I wouldn't interpret that on its own as meaning "which you will cook for everyone, DH", personally

Limping or not, it’s irrelevant. He should have made dinner as you were out.

imagine complaining he was hungry! He has two hands…!!! I’d be fuming

These posts are rage-inducing. I'm so glad I'm a single parent. Just the kids to look after, not a man baby.

No, I think you and I have different understandings of what should be expected from grown adults. And different understandings of what the OP has actually told us.
She didn't say, 'steak', HE did. He knew enough to know there were steaks to cook. He did not defrost or cook them. This happened in a phone conversation; it happened in time for him to defrost and cook/start cooking the steaks. Getting food out of the freezer and cooking it does not need the lead time of 'that morning or earlier in the week'; nor does it need to be in a shared calendar.
Not for most normally functioning capable adults who are not hell-bent on manufacturing problems that they can then be annoyed and moody about, anyway.

I vote YABU because you completely enable this. I dread to think what your dc are learning about the roles of men and women whilst watching your lord and master berate you for not being a good little handmaid and you complying instead of telling him to grow the fuck up.

Even the ‘I should’ve got a takeaway’ means you are still taking responsibility and compensating for his weaponised incompetence.

I would’ve expected kids to be fed, and my husband waiting for me with a big glass of wine while I got straight into a hot shower and then rested my foot. But then my DH is a grown up who cares about his children and wouldn't punish me if I went out for an afternoon.

You deserve better op. And so do your kids.

If he knew the steaks were in the freezer and they were for dinner, why didn’t he take them out as soon as they were mentioned ? And why didn’t he start prepping whatever was going with them ? Sorry but whichever way you look at this, it’s weaponised incompetence. He won’t accept something quick like beans on toast when time is short, so if he wants a meal to meet his ‘high standards’ he should be prepared to be fully engaged with that, not leaving it to his partner when he’s been at home all afternoon.

You should have taken the kids and yourself out to MacDonalds and left your lazy husband to sort his own dinner.

Why are you referring to him “ helping you” with looking after the kids ?
It’s his job as much as yours.

So he’s not doing his share is he ? As for putting bins out, does he see it as your job ? If so, why do you accept it ?

He knew you were enjoying the afternoon so should have stepped up and cooked dinner. It should have been on the table for you when you got back !

He sounds very passive aggressive.

And yet if you look in other less baity boards on this site you will see that many normally functioning capable adults do discuss things like who will cook what when with their other halves and write it in a diary so that they don't forget. It's called planning. I don't think it's that unusual.

I do find myself wondering whether you personally often find yourself getting annoyed with people who haven't done stuff that you assumed they'd do but didn't discuss with them.