DS hates his 1:1 at school - don't know what to do

[EmeraldEcho]

My son is 13 and in year 9 at a mainstream school. He has autism and adhd and he spent most of year 7 struggling massively, he had awful meltdowns basically everyday, he was given a reduced timetable as he just couldn't cope, he also hated school

At the start of year 8 he was allocated a TA, he isn't part of the school but he has been employed to be his TA, he's had a lot of experience with SEN children and adults but DS was his first in school support. To my surprise he bonded with him really well and ds really came on so well.

Toward the end of year 8 in the summer term he started taking ds to tesco where he buys ingredients for their cooking and ds also loves this and looks forward to that day, its also building his life skills and maths etc. DS calls him his best friend

This academic year however he's only with him for 3 days, mon-weds and on the Thursday and Friday he has a new TA. They said it was so he needed to bond with someone else if his main TA was off sick (we never had that last year thankfully).

the issue is she really doesn’t know how to deal with him

The first issue is he tells them he needs the toilet quite a lot even if he doesn't actually need it. When he's with his main TA, he encourages him to do a bit more work first (the times when he asks if he's only just gone 5 minutes ago as he uses it to get out of things he doesn't want to do) then takes him, he checks if anyone is in the boys toilets and if there is tells him to go in the disabled and waits for him then checks he's washed his hands. He really doesn't need anyone to do any more than that but in school he needs someone with him and the whole point of a 1:1 is to be with him all the time.

The woman however, tells him no you've already been do your work, I don't know the tone she's saying it in obviously but because he doesn't know when he's going he keeps asking and then meltdown. When he does go to the toilet she sends him alone and then he often goes back soaking wet so he's wetting himself, I initially thought it was water but his underwear is also soaking and it's definitely wee. He's in some mainstream classes now in some subjects so I'm worried about bullying.

He also gets distressed when he needs to get changed and that's another meltdown. He just doesn't seem to have bonded with her, there's also times where he's not on her rota for a Friday so he gets whoever's available and that causes problems too. The school say it's nothing to do with them it's the company and have said they will mention it but it keeps happening

On Wednesdays in his book it often says he’s been on edge all day and presumably because he knows what the next day will be like, we also have problems at home Wednesday evening. Then he's still fragile at the weekend too the smallest thing sets him off and it's only been this academic year. He's said multiple times he wants the main TA even at school during the meltdowns, at home I've tried to explain that he's busy working with other people but it doesn't really register and he's said in his own words he hates her, he hates school and “no school Thursday and friday” is a common saying from him he does always go but it feels mean and I'm also worrying those entire days he's at school

Wwyd?

I'd arrange a meeting to communicate the issues with both school and the company there, and highlight his needs are not being met. Coming out of the toilet wet only when with the other TA is really telling. Tbh I would ask if the usual TA goes back to full time with him, and the Thursday/Fri person observed and learns from them for a decent handover for a week or two. Probably not possible though, and if it can't be resolved wouldn't it be better for your son to be unsettled on just the odd day if the usual TA is off, rather than dreading school every week and this impacting on the rest of the week?

This is difficult as having one specific person with him all the time is not feasible. People will be off sick, on training, even leaving completely. He does need to be able to cope and manage with changing personnel.
That being said there does need to be consistency of approach. Particularly about things such as how toilet breaks are managed. There should be a plan for how this is dealt by all concerned. I am a little confused as to why he’s wetting? Does he not go when he’s in the toilet? As a choice? So say he’s uses it to get out of stuff? And doesn’t know when to go?? Can he reliably toilet himself? Is this him using the toilet as an excuse but then misjudging it and wetting?

While I think you have absolutely valid concerns about TA2 - and should raise the issues with the school, I also think your DS sounds too dependent on TA1.

A good TA is not a friend. Nip that idea in the bud. Much healthier to have 2 people employed so there is cover if one has to be away for any reason .

The new woman doesn’t sound a good fit for your son. As your son needs encouragement to go to the toilet at the appropriate time go back to the school and ask for a second male TA . In the meantime DS should be allowed to use the disabled toilet

Communication is key here. It sounds like a meeting needs to be set up and a discussion had, so that everyone is on the same page. If they’re both telling your son different things, it’s not going to work.
I feel sorry for the new lass though. It’s not an easy job.

This is unrealistic. Chances are, the school only has one male TA.

The first TA has got too close to your son and that is part of the issue now as he has become over reliant on one person. As people have said, he shouldn’t be a friend. His role is to enable your son to access education as fully as possible.

Clearly things aren’t working well with TA number 2 but it’s going to be hard to work out if that’s an issue with her or if it’s just that she isn’t TA 1.

@Smartiepants79He does know when he needs the toilet and goes but he also says he needs the toilet to avoid doing things, he's like it at home too if we are out he’ll go to the toilet and a few minutes later he says he needs the toilet again and we know he doesn't but then we tell him he will go in x time and he's fine and no accidents happen.

I don't know how the wetting has been happening, i thought it could be water at first but then his underwear is also soaking. My theory is he doesn’t actually go to the toilet when he leaves the classroom so he just wets himself I don’t know why she doesn’t go with him, he doesn’t need anyone in the toilet with him just to escort him and wait outside so it isn’t safeguarding.

But as i said he also gets different TA’s and I do understand he needs to work with others and we were lucky that the usual TA had no days off last year but when it constantly changes it causes him so much anxiety

And how he is on the thursday and friday and during the weekend is exactly how he was in year 7 when I really thought the school were going to say they can't meet his needs

His communication book is rarely filled in on these 2 days too so I don't know what he's eaten/what he's done/ how his day has gone and he won't tell me as talking about school just upsets him

Maybe you're right and he has become too reliant on one person but he did spent every school day with him for an entire school year… That wasn’t ds’s choice or mine or even the TAs he was just doing his job and what he was told

And yes he isn’t his friend but try telling that to a child with autism and social struggles

As children grow into young adults, it’s often helpful to reduce the amount of 1-1 time, to encourage some independence and problem solving skills. That doesn’t mean that a child has to do without support, more that it’s ’light touch’, ready to step in when needed.

I agree that the second person may not be the best fit, so a discussion with the school would be helpful, to see what can be adjusted.

It probably is best that he is used to having more than one TA, because there is likely to come a time when that person isn't available, or is sick, or decides to leave, or whatever. You mention the company - are they using a supply agency for long term supply? There is also the possibility that any one TA could find it too intense to be with one student all the time.
If the second TA isn't a good fit though, I think you should tell the school and ask if there is someone else available, or ask for a meeting so that the problems this TA has when working with your son, like walking with him to the toilets etc, can be sorted.

Perhaps write down some of your son's routines for the second TA . Or if this feels too much perhaps ask if male TA can give a brief rundown of the usual things that helped your son . I understand this from both sides and it is often easily resolved . Simple things like a client prefering a certain glass or their apple peeled . Easily accommodated if the TA knows but can be upsetting for individual. He does need to be able to manage with different people as no one can guarantee 100% attendance of preferred TA.

Did they have a crossover period where the new TA could learn from his regular TA? That way she could have watched and learnt and so could your son. Maybe this is still a possibility or maybe she could shadow them at the beginning of the week? Do you have any idea of plans for next year yet?

I feel for your son, he's had his stable school life disrupted through no fault of his own. I would ask for a meeting to discuss everything in detail so things can hopefully become easier for everyone involved.

That is very unlikely to be a possibility as resources are very scarce!

My sons have TAs so I feel your pain.

He has become too reliant in his current TA.

Surely a meeting with senco and TA can iron out some of the issues with new TA.

#Ask she accompanies him to the toilet and that dc uses the diabled toilet as female TA cant go into the male toilets.
#include dc in meeting and agree that he takes no more than say 2 toilet breaks in a class (1 if you think more appropriate) and that she goes with him and waits.
#changing- one of my dc wears his pe kit to school so he doesnt have to change. He often takes a spare pe top, wipes and deodorant and will go to diabled loo, wipe and change his top so he doesnt smell.

That's true, a shame though if it could have helped.

Do you know for certain that TA2 has been told the best response to a request to use the toilet to avoid things? And that she needs to escort him there?

I do feel for you both though.

Ex teacher

my school did not have regular 1:1 TAs after a while except for very severe levels of need because the students get attached to them and it’s very difficult when it comes for time to move on.

in the same way that students need to get used to interacting with a wide variety of teachers compared to the one class teacher at primary, students with send do better if they can develop the skills to work with a variety of TAs.

obviously this is more challenging for some students than others. But all secondary schools would be looking to develop the ability to work with more than one ta.

it may be that this second ta is not a good fit for your son. But equally it is quite likely that your son has become very very reliant on the first ta and school are trying to develop his independence.

your child will have to leave the first ta when he leaves that school. It is better if this is done gradually over time than if it is done suddenly at the end of year 11.

I do feel for you - he sounds a lot like my DS! In his second primary school he had up to 5 different people in a week and surprise suprise he didn't last there after having several meltdowns and being excluded.
He now has in his EHCP "maximum of 2" people as his TA. Does your DS have anything like that? What about the training specified?

I would have a chat with the school. Perhaps the 2nd TA could shadow the 1st TA for a week or they could meet and share strategies. Or the school may rotate TAs around to see if there is a better fit with another staff member. They will probably not assign TA1 to be DS's exclusive 1:1.

It is good practice for children with 1:1s to have more than 1 adult working with them in order to cover sickness, people leaving, staff training, swimming ect. It is also good for 1:1 staff retention and staff knowledge and skills to work with different children with different needs rather than just 1 child. Unfortunately having the same 1:1 all week last year has made him reliant on them and the school may chose to rotate TA1 to another child for a term or so to break the reliance.

Is TA1 agency/ long term supply or are they employed directly by the school? It is always good practice to make sure a long term supply does not become a sole 1:1 for a child as they can leave or have their contracts terminated at a moments notice.

There needs to be effective communication between TA1 and TA2. It doesn't sound as though any information on how to handle your son's needs and quirks have been passed between them.

I'd contact the school, make it clear that you recognise that he needs to get used to someone else, but ask for there to be a clear behaviour plan based on what TA1 has found to work, so that TA2 isn't put at a disadvantage, and your son has some consistency.

I have job shared classes in a special school, and consistency was all. Every single thing was noted, every meltdown, every sanction, every success, so that the person who picked up the class next know exactly what had happened before. And behaviour plans were super-detailed, so that the child got the same response whichever of us was managing them.

It's in his EHCP that he needs 1:1, they're employed by a care company but last year was just the one and I wasn't told this year that he was going to get a different TA until it happened so I couldn't prepare him during the summer or anything

I'm also concerned about others making fun of him for wetting himself as he's gone into some mainstream classes now

Re your last paragraph, it’s only a matter of time. Really sorry 😢
I work in a secondary school and this needs sorted as a matter of urgency.

One of my diabetics was assigned a TA. They soon got the measure of how said student was manipulating their levels and lying about their levels to get out of class. So the TA pushed back a little. This caused huge complaints from the student and consequently the parents. Good luck to them as they are setting their child up to fail.
we often say that those with an EHCP are untouchable and it’s causing problems for everyone.

I have spoke to school many times since September but nothing has changed re the toilet as on Thursday and Friday he was wet again, he does have spare clothes in school kept in the medical room but he still gets really distressed about needing to get changed and has a meltdown. And as time has gone on the more anxious he's getting again, on Friday he had a different 1:1 again and she wrote in his book he threw himself off of his chair but didn't say why or what was happening before that etc. He obviously can’t do that as he could hurt himself or disrupt the class if there’s other students trying to work

I don't think it's possible for the other TA to shadow as mon-weds she's likely working elsewhere in the community or she's off. They only go to the school to work with ds.

How is that relevant to my post?