DS hates his 1:1 at school - don't know what to do

[EmeraldEcho]

My son is 13 and in year 9 at a mainstream school. He has autism and adhd and he spent most of year 7 struggling massively, he had awful meltdowns basically everyday, he was given a reduced timetable as he just couldn't cope, he also hated school

At the start of year 8 he was allocated a TA, he isn't part of the school but he has been employed to be his TA, he's had a lot of experience with SEN children and adults but DS was his first in school support. To my surprise he bonded with him really well and ds really came on so well.

Toward the end of year 8 in the summer term he started taking ds to tesco where he buys ingredients for their cooking and ds also loves this and looks forward to that day, its also building his life skills and maths etc. DS calls him his best friend

This academic year however he's only with him for 3 days, mon-weds and on the Thursday and Friday he has a new TA. They said it was so he needed to bond with someone else if his main TA was off sick (we never had that last year thankfully).

the issue is she really doesn’t know how to deal with him

The first issue is he tells them he needs the toilet quite a lot even if he doesn't actually need it. When he's with his main TA, he encourages him to do a bit more work first (the times when he asks if he's only just gone 5 minutes ago as he uses it to get out of things he doesn't want to do) then takes him, he checks if anyone is in the boys toilets and if there is tells him to go in the disabled and waits for him then checks he's washed his hands. He really doesn't need anyone to do any more than that but in school he needs someone with him and the whole point of a 1:1 is to be with him all the time.

The woman however, tells him no you've already been do your work, I don't know the tone she's saying it in obviously but because he doesn't know when he's going he keeps asking and then meltdown. When he does go to the toilet she sends him alone and then he often goes back soaking wet so he's wetting himself, I initially thought it was water but his underwear is also soaking and it's definitely wee. He's in some mainstream classes now in some subjects so I'm worried about bullying.

He also gets distressed when he needs to get changed and that's another meltdown. He just doesn't seem to have bonded with her, there's also times where he's not on her rota for a Friday so he gets whoever's available and that causes problems too. The school say it's nothing to do with them it's the company and have said they will mention it but it keeps happening

On Wednesdays in his book it often says he’s been on edge all day and presumably because he knows what the next day will be like, we also have problems at home Wednesday evening. Then he's still fragile at the weekend too the smallest thing sets him off and it's only been this academic year. He's said multiple times he wants the main TA even at school during the meltdowns, at home I've tried to explain that he's busy working with other people but it doesn't really register and he's said in his own words he hates her, he hates school and “no school Thursday and friday” is a common saying from him he does always go but it feels mean and I'm also worrying those entire days he's at school

Wwyd?

I disagree. He’s still getting his 1:1. But he would be much better served for the future being helped to develop at least partial coping strategies rather than making it all the school’s problem. You won’t agree, i’m sure, that’s fine.

1:1 is only supportive if it is effective. If he isn't being encouraged to stretch his tolerance for lesson time, isn't being supervised for toileting, and is getting dysregulated because of the approach of the staff member, then it isn't support.

If he's fine with the toilet usually and with the TA then it's a behavioral issues. Giving back the other TA would work short term but isn't a solution. In fact it sounds like the second TA is trying to build boundaries and independence and he's not keen on it.

You need to get to the bottom of why he's wetting himself. Surely it's obvious if it's urine or tap water? Did he do this before having 1:1?

Play therapy would be good if he won't discuss at home.

That's a leap. The first TA takes him, checks the door is unlocked, and if not, takes him to the disabled toilet, which is further awsy.

The other TA is denying him the opportunity to use the toilet, then sending him on his own. We don't know if he's getting to the toilets, they're locked, and he doesn't know what to do, or is he's getting to the toilets, they're locked and he can't cope with making his way to the disabled toilets, or whatever.

This isn't a regular 13 year old. It's really quite unusual for secondary school children to have 1:1 support in mainstream school, so his level of need must be high.

I agree Lougle, clearly OP's DS has been recognised as needing this support and that is what has been working so far. If he is going to develop more independence skills it would be in a supported way with a TA who knows him well, with experience in supporting autistic young people. He isn't just going to magically start doing it if left to go on his own because he doesn't have the processing and interoception ability, so he will have to develop the skill as a new habitual behaviour which needs someone to help him develop independence with the steps that requires. Then they can step back slowly once he is able to consistently do it independently. The problem is secondary schools lock toilets this makes it harder, he would need a key for the disabled toilet so he can access it consistently himself for that to work.

He may well be saying he needs the toilet when he is anxious and finds work hard, my DS will say he is tired or distract by talking when starting work because he finds that transition difficult. He needs a supportive person to say gently 'come on let's just try to write this sentence first or try this first' like his main TA does. It isn't the same as a typical teenager.

He didn't do it before 1:1 but he never did a full day in year 7 with being sent home and then the reduced timetable. He used to hold and then be desperate as soon as he got home if he did a full day he probably would've wet then as he wouldn't have been able to hold anymore

He does use the going to the toilet as avoidance but if he's focused and distracted he asks for it less only if he actually needs to. He needs to know when he's going though otherwise that makes his anxiety worse and the meltdown escalates. For example if we're out I said he will use it before we leave wherever we are and he's fine but if I just said no you've been then that would cause a meltdown

The toilet isn't the only issue like I said his communication book is rarely filled in so i don’t know what he’s done or eaten. On friday it just said he threw himself off of his chair but he was checked over and was fine it didn’t say anything about what lead up to it

I would put in a complaint that he isn't being taken to the toilet and as a consequence is wetting himself. I would leave the rest out as I think it confuses the main issue.

Is there anyone in the family who could pick him up at lunch, make sure he uses the toilet and feed him to temporarily resolve the issue. If you have contact with the male TA could you mention it to him. He might be better placed to tell you whether the toilet is likely to be locked as the issue or something else.

If the toilet is always locked maybe he could learn to always use the disabled as an easier routine.

If your preference was for SS and the LA named MS, did you appeal?

He’s still getting his 1:1.

Except OP’s DS isn’t receiving 1:1 at all times as per the EHCP. If 1:1 at all times is detailed, specified and quantified in F of the EHCP, it isn’t optional. It isn’t down to anyone on here to say it isn’t needed. It has been judged to be reasonably required, must be provided and can be enforced. OP, is the wording in F watertight?

If he's fine with the toilet usually and with the TA then it's a behavioral issues.

You don’t know this. It isn’t as simple as that. Nowhere near.