DS hates his 1:1 at school - don't know what to do

[EmeraldEcho]

My son is 13 and in year 9 at a mainstream school. He has autism and adhd and he spent most of year 7 struggling massively, he had awful meltdowns basically everyday, he was given a reduced timetable as he just couldn't cope, he also hated school

At the start of year 8 he was allocated a TA, he isn't part of the school but he has been employed to be his TA, he's had a lot of experience with SEN children and adults but DS was his first in school support. To my surprise he bonded with him really well and ds really came on so well.

Toward the end of year 8 in the summer term he started taking ds to tesco where he buys ingredients for their cooking and ds also loves this and looks forward to that day, its also building his life skills and maths etc. DS calls him his best friend

This academic year however he's only with him for 3 days, mon-weds and on the Thursday and Friday he has a new TA. They said it was so he needed to bond with someone else if his main TA was off sick (we never had that last year thankfully).

the issue is she really doesn’t know how to deal with him

The first issue is he tells them he needs the toilet quite a lot even if he doesn't actually need it. When he's with his main TA, he encourages him to do a bit more work first (the times when he asks if he's only just gone 5 minutes ago as he uses it to get out of things he doesn't want to do) then takes him, he checks if anyone is in the boys toilets and if there is tells him to go in the disabled and waits for him then checks he's washed his hands. He really doesn't need anyone to do any more than that but in school he needs someone with him and the whole point of a 1:1 is to be with him all the time.

The woman however, tells him no you've already been do your work, I don't know the tone she's saying it in obviously but because he doesn't know when he's going he keeps asking and then meltdown. When he does go to the toilet she sends him alone and then he often goes back soaking wet so he's wetting himself, I initially thought it was water but his underwear is also soaking and it's definitely wee. He's in some mainstream classes now in some subjects so I'm worried about bullying.

He also gets distressed when he needs to get changed and that's another meltdown. He just doesn't seem to have bonded with her, there's also times where he's not on her rota for a Friday so he gets whoever's available and that causes problems too. The school say it's nothing to do with them it's the company and have said they will mention it but it keeps happening

On Wednesdays in his book it often says he’s been on edge all day and presumably because he knows what the next day will be like, we also have problems at home Wednesday evening. Then he's still fragile at the weekend too the smallest thing sets him off and it's only been this academic year. He's said multiple times he wants the main TA even at school during the meltdowns, at home I've tried to explain that he's busy working with other people but it doesn't really register and he's said in his own words he hates her, he hates school and “no school Thursday and friday” is a common saying from him he does always go but it feels mean and I'm also worrying those entire days he's at school

Wwyd?

Having more than one 1:1 is fine (and it's probably a good idea... otherwise it would be much harder to manage if the existing TA left suddenly or was sick).

However, having a rubbish TA isn't acceptable.

If he needs 1:1 all day and is wetting himself when he is sent to the toilet alone, she is not doing a good enough job. To be honest, if she hasn't figured out the correlation between him going to the toilet alone and wetting himself and acted on this. I wouldn't trust her in any aspect of her job. Even if she hasn't been explicitly told to go with him, it only requires a basic amount of common sense for her to raise this and find out what the other TA does.

Be polite but very clear with the school that this is not acceptable.

You imply that the disabled toilets are separate cubicles within the boys and girls toilets.

if this is the case then a woman ta cannot go into the boys with him.

are there any disabled toilets where she can supervise more closely? Ie where it is one big room for example?

however at my school any kind of involvement with toileting was considered an “intimate care” and TAs who were paid extra to take on that responsibility did it. Students would need to wait until one was available.

what do you want to happen?

they won’t give him ta1 all the time even if ta1 is available because your child is clearly way over attached to him. You could ask for another male ta but that won’t necessarily solve the toilet problem as not all tas will be prepared to do that particularly if on a basic contract.

I do think you got a very accommodating ta last year and it’s not uncommon in these situations for the ta to burn out a little and ask to do fewer days in the future with that child just so they have some balance.

@EmeraldEcho Your son has got very much attached to his main TA so much so he only wants him and no one else will ever be good enough. He’s not willing to be with anyone else whilst his main TA is in the school but not with him. I hate to say it but he’s manipulating the situation to get what he wants.

When is DS’s next AR due?

I think you need a meeting with the school and care company. TA2 doesn’t sound like she understands DS’s needs and the support he requires. The relationship between TA1 and DS sounds like it is too close.

What does the EHCP say about toileting? Does the EHCP say anything about the experience, training and qualifications of the TAs? Does it say anything about the consistency of TAs? For example, limiting it to 2 consistent TAs.

As I said DS doesn't need any type of intimate care, he's capable of using the toilet himself. He just needs to be checked if he's washed his hands, as sometimes he needs reminded (to the point we have a wash hands sign at home) or told to dry them as he also has a habit of rushing our with wet hands. I'm not saying she needs to go in with him, just wait outside.

There's the boys toilets, girls toilets, and one disabled toilet with the big cubicle on each floor. The male TA would check there wasn't any or many people in the male toilets (and it was unlocked as they tend to lock the toilets during lesson time) and if it is busy or locked then they'd go to the disabled toilets a short walk away. Obviously a female ta couldn't check but she could escort him to I still think the role of a 1:1 is to be with him at all times and not leave him to wander and wet himself. I get it probably is annoying to take him multiple times a day to the toilet when you can't be sure he actually needs it so it really feels like she just doesn't want to take him

As I said I'm concerned about bullying and he's really struggling those 2 days which is having a knock on effect to the Wednesday and the weekends so the only good days he's having are Monday and Tuesday as on Wednesday he's obviously worrying

@90sTrifleI don’t agree he’s manipulating the situation. he’s autistic and he has the same TA every school day last year, even the original TA was confused that he had him less this year so i don’t think it was his choice, likely schools. but give him 2 to begin with then instead of letting him get attached to the same person. He’s not working in the school when he’s not with DS luckily as that would likely cause even more upset.

I have worked as both a Sen teacher and a 1:1 ta.

it really isn’t normal for the 1:1 to physically accompany a student to the toilets.

however it doesn’t matter what is normal it matters what is written down in his EHCP. What does his EHCP say?

Even if the only support with toileting is checking DS has washed and dried his hands, that can be included in DS’s EHCP. Some schools would have an intimate care plan even if washing/drying hands was the only toileting support required.

Would DS use the disabled toilet all the time? The school could put a sign in there reminding to wash and dry hands.

When my DS had a new 1:1 they did a period of overlap shadowing the original 1:1 to observe what they did that worked and then spent some 1:1 time with DS playing games or doing activities he liked first so that he could build up a trust relationship with them. Ask the school if that would be possible.

Also DS wouldn't cope with multiple changes of new TA when he was already undergoing a change of regular TA. His old school would put the cover TA with another class and he would be 1:1 by a permanent TA known to him already. If your son struggles with change they need a team of regular staff members to rotate so a third/fourth permanent member of staff who can be swapped in to be with him if either regular TA are off.

I would say that a female TA just needs to take him to the disabled toilet on whatever floor he is on because they can't check the male toilet, other people in the toilet might be scaring him leading to him having accidents. Very important especially if bullying is an issue as it could be occurring in the toilets or he has trauma from previous occurrences of bullying in the toilets.

You need a meeting with the SENCO.

Does your child actually have urinary issues? Or is asking to go to the toilet a sensory, anxiety or behavioural issue?

It sounds a bit like the first OT was being overly supportive. This isn't a good thing as it leads to over reliance. Is it possible they are playing up to try and get their 'friend' reassigned permanently - possibly even deliberately wetting themselves or using water to pretend they have?

Read your update... why do you feel having the TA walk him to the toilet would help? What do you think is happening that is leading to him wetting himself if he doesn't need help with toileting? Can he choose to go to the disabled toilet himself?

Does he have a learning disability?

As a teacher in special education for 40 years, I disagree. Accompanying a child to the toilet (but not into the cubicle*) can be absolutely normal if their care/behaviour plan deems it necessary.

*Except where there are very severe needs and another adult is also present.

I’m really surprised this is something they think they can promise. The are so many reasons why it might happen that neither of those two people are there. How consistent have they been able to be?

His EHCP says he needs a 1:1 with him at all times during the school day mainly to support him accessing learning but also with emotional regulation and support during lunchtime if he's buying lunch then with queuing and asking for what he wants (obviously not worded exactly like that). It says about a consistent adult and he can use avoidance techniques to get out of work (which is what the toilet asking probably is) and staff should manage with reassurance and clear boundaries as anything else can escalate him

So I would've thought taking him to the toilet probably comes under that of course if its a female TA she can't check the male toilets but she could still take him and wait outside the toilets as that's nothing to do with safeguarding or anything like that

The only reason male TA checks the male toilets first is if they're closer to those toilets as the disabled can be further away depending on what part of the building they are.

We don't know what's actually happening when he wets himself my only theories are he doesn't go at all for whatever reason (though I don't see why he’d purposely choose to wet himself) or the male toilets are locked and he gets overwhelmed and he doesn't think to go to the disabled because he panics.

I also don't think he's wetting to try and have the usual TA back FT. I just don't think he thinks like that as he doesn't really think if I do x, y will happen

He quite clearly does need some
sort of intimate care if he’s weeing his pants at age 13

Because a lot of pupils don’t warm to one of their TAs. It’s not usually the TA who is the problem.

Would it be worth posting this on the SEN boards. I think you’ll get more understanding responses there.

The usual TA obviously does an excellent job and followed the ECHP. The new TAs do not sound like they’re following the ECHP. I would focus on that and quote specific sections on the Echp which are not being followed such as consistent 1 to 1. Are the new TAs trained properly?

Think it’s a very sad that he’s lost his 1 to 1 full time. Think school will be more receptive to you explaining the lack of consistency and support in not following the strategies used by usual TA , try and avoid framing it as your son doesn’t like the TA. (Even though I think there’s nothing wrong it’s human nature that we get on with some people more than others!)

I think it sounds like he needs an urgent early annual review and this might not be the right school for him. The toileting problems may be connected to poor interoception, but whatever is going on he is plainly very distressed at school. What are the options in your area - could he transfer to specialist or to a much smaller and more nurturing setting?

compl agree

What strategies have you tried with your DS to help him rise to this challenge, OP?

Shut up, Trevor.

🙄

I tried for a sen school when he was in year 6 for year 7 but got told his needs weren't severe enough.

I think what helped was he met his TA 3 times before the start of year 8, first time he came to visit him at home and he refused to talk to him. The 2nd time we went on a walk and that was a little better and he told him what he liked (not school related) and when he said he liked Pokemon and the TA said he did too something changed and ds became a bit more comfortable and the final meeting ds was excited to show his Pokemon cards

The first few weeks weren't amazing but they were much better than the entire year 7 where he never did a full day between getting sent home and the reduced timetable. He's came on so much during the past year and is doing well and in mainstream maths at year 9 level and he's likely to sit a maths GCSE, he's just generally happier at school apart from the other days with the other TA and it doesn't help it keeps switching so it's not always her so he has no idea who he's getting and I know sometimes that's unavoidable due to sickness but it happens so often.

I don't know if they're trained properly, like I said this usual TA hadn’t worked in a school setting before but he had a lot of experience and training with other children and adults with SEN out in the community, I don't know if that's the case for the new TAs

I just don't think it's a toileting issue when he's fine at home and even when we're out and about and he's fine the other 3 days

The 'challenge' is having his EHCP ignored 2 days per week. That isn't something to rise up to, it's something that needs to be remedied.

@EmeraldEcho you know what works. Gently stretching his tolerance for work, being accompanied to the toilet, having a check in after using the toilet. Clear recording in the communication book when significant events have occurred. Those are not big demands.

Go to the school and say that you're not against him having a variety of staff, but they do all need to follow the same approach. Ask that a meeting is arranged with the company to come up with a behavioural plan that everyone will adhere to.

If they won't do that, go to your LA Caseworker and ask them to intervene.

I think raven law had the right idea, it’s difficult challenging a school if they’re not supporting your child, I think take raven law’s advice will help you. And I think posting in Sen specific places will benefit you too.