Gifts that you would never use or want

[Oldmamabear]

Im lucky enough to have good friends and family. Every birthday and Christmas they buy gifts which is lovely of them and I do the same for them. When I buy gifts I consider what that person might like or need and buy on that basis. Its a gift for them so it doesnt matter whether I like or would use it myself. At the risk of sounding ungrateful I wish they would do the same. Im not materialistic and would appreciate a small well thought out gift than something extravagant. I try and gently explain that IF they wanted to get a gift (no obligation a card will suffice) then to avoid wasting their money to remember i can't use perfumed products due to skin condition, I dont really like ornaments (minimalist) clothing im a funny shape so best left to me etc. Ive got a spare bedroom full of clothes I can't wear, perfumed products I can't use and ornament with nowhere to live even if I liked them. I dont have any issues with honesty except in this area. Ive explained numerous times and its not even that I want this or that for birthday. I just dont want them to waste their money.i also find it awkward unwrapping yet another unwanted gift. I thought about saying I dont want gifts this year and instead if you could donate to charity that would make me happy but not sure that will land well as that feels like im telling them what to do with their money. Would it be unreasonable to explain that if they were going to buy something, please check first as I dont want them to waste money. Feels rude??

YABU. This is just one of those frustrating things about life, I think. It would be absurdly diva-ish to insist on vetting potential gifts.
If you get something you can’t/won’t use, h just regift it or donate it.

Are you sure they don’t think they’re putting in a similar amount of effort to choosing your gifts? And what do they think of what you’re giving them?

I had one friend who loved gift giving and put a lot of effort in. And was convinced she was great at choosing gifts. She really wasn’t!

Just accept gratefully then pass on, donate as appropriate.

It depends on the individual.
You have to judge who will or won’t be upset.
I just smile and thank those who I know would not cope with me being honest, and then I donate whatever it is to a charity shop so it isn’t wasted and I am pleased to have helped the charity of my choice.

I don’t think you can tell people directly to check. But I get it generally, I’m the same. I’m very particular and don’t have nicknacks, for hobby stuff I know what I need, don’t wear much make up or perfume etc. This Xmas despite not being a candle/ornament person, I got 3 different candles from 3 different friends, who I’m sure by now should know I don’t have or would ever use candles. I spend a lot of thought and time choosing good gifts for others and it does feel like I don’t get a smidgen of thought in return which can feel hurtful. But I try not to let it worry me, maybe I’m just too hard to buy for and that’s fair enough. Can you maybe say some very obvious hints about what you’d like rather than making a point?

You’re only BU because you are stockpiling the unwated gifts. . Donate them to charity shops or regift and claim your spare room back!

This! Or sell them on Vinted

As pp have said - give them to charity shops.
If you have a spare bedroom full of stuff, then bag and box it up and donate. There are people who would be grateful for something from your haul.
Perhaps every gift you have given is fantastic and appropriate, I don't know, but chances are, someone has donated something from you.

Perhaps they think the same about the gifts you give.

I tend to think that anyone who believes that they themselves give thoughtful, considered gifts is often wide of the mark.

Yes, I would agree.

Yep, dont stockpile unwanted gifts - donate.

I think it's fine to steer people towards presents you would like (especially family and close friends). "If you're stuck for ideas, I would really like xyz."

I always say how much I love book tokens or theatre tokens in hopes of getting them.

Gifts I would never want is gifts full stop. Gifts I would never use is pretty much anything other than book tokens.

I'm shit at buying gifts and even shitter at receiving them.

Anyone who is helpful enough to tell me exactly what they want is massively appreciated.

A friend gave me a voucher for afternoon tea, and that's something that I just don't do. However, we had coffee together there once, so I could see her thinking. In that respect it was actually a kind and thoughtful gift.

Maybe time to stop buying gifts for each other?

Rather than direct people to buy stuff you want, tell them you’d rather they make a donation to a charity of your choice instead. And empty your spare room of unworn clothing and unwanted ornaments!!!

Anyone who is helpful enough to tell me exactly what they want is massively appreciated.

I agree.

I spend a lot of thought and time choosing good gifts for others and it does feel like I don’t get a smidgen of thought in return which can feel hurtful.

I think it is quite narcissistic to asume that people know you well enough to buy you "thoughtful" gifts. I don't know most people well enough to do that other than DH and my sister. I know what DD likes but she has so much "stuff", and as she is a student it is just more stuff to take and fetch back from wherever she is living.

this

I can totally understand your thinking, I’m very much the same BUT people are doing it out of love and kindness, so I think you should put on a lovely happy face and accept them with good grace.

Some people sadly don’t get anything.

I use a wishlist to try and reduce this problem - so just send out a message saying “a few people have asked what I might like for Christmas this year, so here are some suggestions but obviously no obligation to buy from this (or at all!), hope to see you soon etc”

for people who love gift giving and think they are great it, asking them to donate to a charity of your choice is just never going to work. They want to give you something tangible you can open and they get to share that experience with you.

If you want to direct them it would be better to ask for consumables (wine, fancy chocolate etc) or develop a keen interest in a specific thing so people can buy you new variations of that. Eg a family member of mine loves jigsaws, so she gets one every birthday and Christmas. Another friend loves Sudoku and puzzle books - easy gift. And another friend loves all things plant related and has said they want to build up a home library for plant books - great! That gives literally hundreds of options for gifts with new books released every year. See if you can come up with something like that and drop hints in conversation.

I do sympathise with you OP but also want to say that your gifts might not land as well as you think…. My mother thinks similarly to you, that she puts a lot of time and effort into gift giving. She does, but she gets it right with gifts for me about 1 time in 10. I can’t really tell her that though, because the few times I’ve tried it didn’t go down well!

I thought about saying I dont want gifts this year and instead if you could donate to charity that would make me happy but not sure that will land well as that feels like im telling them what to do with their money

Then tell them you don't want gifts, full stop. Only if they then protest, e.g, 'but surely there's something you'd like' do you need to offer the charity suggestion.

In my experience that doesn’t work either. Especially if you will be with those people during the Christmas period, it feels awkward for them sitting around opening gifts while the OP is sat there with nothing. Especially if the OP is buying gifts for others.

Gifts aren't supposed to be something you want or need, although its lovely if they are! They are just a symbol that someone thought about you. If you don't like a gift you can resell or donate it and know it will find a home where it is loved.

I agree.