Adult children

[Theresaratinmykitchen1]

Hi all,

just hoping for some advice regarding my 19 (almost 20yo).

They are in an age gap relationship which I do not approve of (currently at uni).

Am I being over protective or how can I encourage my child into a relationship more their own age?

When discussed, they have indicated concern with partners their own age, particularly misogyny & lack of trust.

She is a grown up. What do you expect from her? You sound very needing.

Nothing you can do except make him welcome. At 19 my daughter was with a guy 10 years older, now she is 36 and with a guy 5 years younger! This relationship might not last.

People are being a bit weird saying it’s none of your business. A 19 year old university student is not really an adult and I would question the morals of a 29 year old who wants to date someone so young - I would assume they are a pervert or unable to maintain relationships with women their own age.

It is completely different to a 29 year old with a 39 year old for example.

My brother is 28 and teaches at a secondary school with a 6th form. I would be utterly horrified if he came home with someone just one year older than the students he teaches.

It’s just icky.

The good news OP is it is unlikely to last - but try to keep quiet about your feelings lest you push her closer towards him.

A 19 year old student who has very likely only just left her parents house is very clearly not in the same life stage as a 29 year old man. I'm 29 and when I look at 18/19 year olds I see children (with a few exceptions who are unusually competent/independent). There's something very creepy about an almost 30 year old who goes out of his way to date a teenager and I would be concerned.

I actually don't have a problem with age gap relationships once the younger party has reached a certain life stage. My last boyfriend was 10 older than me, but I was a woman in my late 20s with a career, previous relationships and had lived on my own for years. A 19 year old student is very different.

Having said that there is nothing you can do about it! Support her, be friendly towards the boyfriend and don't let on that you disapprove. The last thing you want to do is be vocal in your disapproval and push her away. And he could turn out to be a nice guy in the long run!

There was almost ten years between my grandparents who almost made their golden wedding. They met when she was about 20 and he was 29/30.

Just because people did things in the past didn’t mean it is okay through a modern lens. Your 20 year old grandmother probably left school at 14 and was in work. There were also far fewer options for women. You can’t compare a 19 year old from the 1940s with a 19 year old of today - they just aren’t the same and it takes longer now for people to reach true adulthood.

When I was at school (late 90's) a girl in my class was having a fling with one of our teachers, she would have been 17 and he mid to late 20s, we all thought she was mad - back then the headmaster just pretended nothing was going on - fast forward 30 years, they have been married for I guess 25 years or so, have 4 kids, he's still at the school, as is she, having joined the teaching staff after uni.

So this Lind of gap has happened since the 40s, successfully, you just don't know!

You can absolutely dislike it.

But she's an adult so you get absolutely no say whatsoever in who she has relationships with.

You're concerned she's isolating herself from you, but she's off living her life and enjoying her independence. The more you try to push her to do things that you think she should be doing, the more she will isolate herself from you.

And yes, she may get hurt. That's part and parcel of life.

That is vile - that woman was groomed. Just because there have always been perverts, doesn’t mean it has ever or will ever be okay just because they ended up married!

I know a man who at 26 started dating a 15 year old who he was teaching to play the guitar. They got married when she was 20 an had two kids although now divorced. It wasn’t okay just because it had an outcome of marriage and children

OP, she's just growing up - of course she's going to become more distant from you, and it's completely normal. You may not like the boyfriend, but it's just none of your business.
Say nothing and just be polite, otherwise you will push your daughter away completely. This is her life, so let her live it.

Is it just the age gap you are worried about? What’s he like as a person?

I met DH when I was 29, he was 19. Probably his parents thought it would blow over but we married and are happily together after 28 years and have 2 adult DC. So don’t bank on it changing.

Knowing her well, I think it was the other way round, she was mature for her age and frankly he was a bit of a drip, she targeted the poor chap!! - I went to their wedding and keep in touch, nothing odd or sinister in the relationship that I can see. They have been houseparents at the school for decades and seem very committed to each other and the job.

What 19yo gives a monkey's what their parents approve of or "encourage", regarding their relationships or anything else? If you complain it'll just make her more determined to carry on with it.

How many people do you know who are still with the person they were dating at 19? It'll almost certainly end in time. Leave it be.

You can't stop her doing anything. I'm guessing she knows you're judging her / him / the relationship and is pulling away because she/they don't want the negativity

She’s an adult. You may not think that parenting stops at 18, but the degree of influence you can have is as much or as little as your daughter will allow you.

Is the age gap really your main issue, or is the fact that he has a different socio-economic background? Is he really ‘looking down’ on you, or are you viewing everything he does, and what he offers your daughter, through the prism of the chip you appear to have on your shoulder?

Trying to engage in a power struggle over your daughter, as if she’s an object you’re fighting to retain control of, will not achieve what you want it to. Your daughter is her own person, with her own life and aspirations. She may not live a life that resembles the one you live, and there’s nothing wrong with that. If you try to force onto her your ideas of who she should be, and of what she should want, you run the very real risk of poisoning your relationship.

Thats fine

Eek 😬. I wouldn’t be happy with that either.

Sorry, I’ve no experience on this to be able to help.

I mean, presumably, you didn't date someone 9 years younger in your late 20s and then attempt to fuck them up and cut them down quite substantially. Which was why I was happy to see he had aged badly. His mean soul was now very much showing on his face.

Although, in many ways, I'll always thank him. I learned a lot about what I didn't want in my life from him.