Adult children

[Theresaratinmykitchen1]

Hi all,

just hoping for some advice regarding my 19 (almost 20yo).

They are in an age gap relationship which I do not approve of (currently at uni).

Am I being over protective or how can I encourage my child into a relationship more their own age?

When discussed, they have indicated concern with partners their own age, particularly misogyny & lack of trust.

What do you mean, monitor? She's an adult, she's choosing to be in a relationship with him. Unless you want to cause a rift in your own relationship with her, I'd keep your opinion to yourself. What I'd actually do is invite them both for dinner and get to know him - you might like him!

Obv the age is a factor but I think it’s infatuation & I’m concerned that she’ll get hurt.

You dont have to it is not your relationship

She might get hurt - she might be the one that hurts him. It's called growing up

True.
I'm sure she couldn't give a toss that mother doesn't approve

You don’t have to be comfortable with it. You’re not dating him.

Let her make her own adult choices.

Probably not but I actually care for my dd & this is new to me.

what’s your problem?

Cause parenting ends at 18……….

Of course not, but she's an adult. You're allowed to be concerned but you also have to let her make her own choices and her own mistakes. This may be a mistake, it may not.

You can set boundaries (like not allowing him in your house, not meeting him, etc) but you have to accept that those boundaries will come with consequences to your relationship with your daughter.

Yep she’ll probably get hurt. If she was desperately in love with a 20 year old who dumped her, she’d be equally as hurt. That’s life isn’t it. Can’t protect them from all of that.

I was 20 when I moved in with my then 30 year old boyfriend. We were married for over 20 years. I’d keep your nose out of it.

I met my DH at uni, he is 11 years older than me. We've been happily married for 40 years. The age gap isn't necessarily a problem. More important is what kind of person he is.

She could become infatuated with and get hurt by someone her own age.

He is very different to me. Has no interest in getting to know me. Comes from a wealthy family & I feel looked down upon. I feel he is dividing us & at a young age I’m finding it extremely difficult. I feel as if my daughter is being taken away from me……

I had a relationship with someone 9 years older at that age. There is literally nothing you can do. Just be a normal, supportive parent if and when it doesn't work out. I actually bumped into him for the first time in 30 years the other day and OMG! He had aged so badly, I howled. Everyone has to learn what is right and wrong for themselves, without Mum and Dad getting involved. That's how you end up with fully fledged adults. Just be there for her either way.

I think the main problem is that you actually just don’t like him very much.

I have gone out of my way to try…..
I don’t know what to do

Just leave her be. it’s possible you’re just trying too hard and at 19 she’ll want to be asserting her own independence.

Tbf he doesn’t give me the opportunity to get to know him!

Is he stopping your DD see you or other friends of hers?

No, but I do feel like she’s being isolated from me, more indirectly than direct

I wouldn’t like it either. 19 is still very young I’d rather they dated someone closer to ages and experience.

Completely agree. Regardless of her age I think she should be in a similar age relationship x

You need to step back. You are overstepping and encroaching on boundaries and that's not cool.

You don't get to make her life choices for her any more. It is the hard part of being the parent of a young adult.

But how do I stop her distancing from me?

when everything I do is wrong, can’t meet etc?