Adult children

[Theresaratinmykitchen1]

Hi all,

just hoping for some advice regarding my 19 (almost 20yo).

They are in an age gap relationship which I do not approve of (currently at uni).

Am I being over protective or how can I encourage my child into a relationship more their own age?

When discussed, they have indicated concern with partners their own age, particularly misogyny & lack of trust.

If she’s happy what’s the problem? Let her live her life!

She’s an adult!
You need to focus on your own life OP

As a mum you don’t stop worrying. I’m certainly still giving my 26 year old relationship advice but it’s she who asks for it. I can’t do much if she doesn’t. I actually would quite like her to date someone a few years older because her last boyfriend was 4 years younger and he was immature and it resulted in problems.

I understand why you feel concerned, but at that age you have to let her make her own choices and just be there for her if she needs. Trying to stop the relationship will damage your relationship with her.

Is he actually distancing her though or is it just that her time is taken up because she as at Uni.

Have you actually met him and how long have they been together. Do you have much going on in your own life? My niece and her DD are very close, she was a single parent and as much as I love them both it’s an unhealthy enmeshed relationship. My great niece was 30 this year and my niece was outraged her DD fiancé got her a bouquet because she wanted to be the only one who gave her one. Don’t be that Mother.

Unless your children are in danger you have to let them make their own mistakes. Parenting adult children is worse as there is no control over what they do at all in anything really.

Of course it’s her business when her child is still only a young adult and there will very likely be a power imbalance. Of course on mumsnet though, no one parents their kids past 16. 🙄

I think just try to keep communication OP. Encourage her to do things with friends, on her own, with family, talk about her future career, travel etc so that this man doesn’t become all she has.

I’d be highly suspicious of any 29 year old wanting to date a 19 year old.

All the more reason not to let him divide you. Accept it and keep your relationship with your daughter.

im not sure it is massively different at all

Well that “howling” just makes you come across as extremely shallow and unkind. I have “aged badly” thanks to some serious health issues. The comments I’ve received from people along the lines that they almost didn’t recognise me when they haven’t seen me for decades says more about them that it ever will about me and the change in my looks.

You sound completely smothering and overbearing. I wouldn’t be surprised if your daughter is trying to distance herself from you.

I had two similar aged boyfriends in my late teens/early twenties. One is amongst my closest friends over thirty years later. The other clearly had a thing for younger women and although I went to work abroad and left him, I know I would have aged out given time. He'll be in his sixties now, and although his GFs are no longer teenagers, the eldest wouldn't have been no more than thirty.
I changed a lot, whereas they were fully cooked and not what I wanted.
There isn't anything you can do to make them split directly, but I (have a DD the same age) would be encouraging opportunities and areas of personal growth for DD.
My DD can do a year abroad in a university or industry as part of her integrated Masters and I've said I'll help to make it happen. Can your DD do something similar?

Can’t comment without age and sex.

I met my now husband when I was 20 and he was 36....22 years years later we have built a family, have a lovely home etc.
To be honest there was a huge power imbalance....my poor husband has suffered horribly over the years from being told what to do by me🤣
Seriously, young women are not all damsels in distress unable to make a rational decision for themselves.

Good thing that that information was provided, then.

If you are giving off vibes that you don’t approve, he won’t warm to you.
Someone her own age could hurt her every bit as much as someone older.
You can’t do anything to encourage her to leave him unless you want to push her away.
Love her and trust her and be there for her if things go wrong and she needs you - with any partner of any age.

You can’t, don’t you remember being that age? Would you have listened to anyone, I wouldn’t of

"Monitor"

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

some posters are being very dismissive of motherly concerns, a mother has every right to feel concerned about her teenage daughter’s choice in a partner and ask for advice in how to handle it.
At 19 It could be her first boyfriend, my young adult children would still need some guidance.
At 29 my experience and lifestyle meant I’d have nothing in common with a teenager. So I’d have definitely raised eyebrows if I’d dated a 19 year old.
you do need to go let them live their life, try keep communication open offer to meet them both for dinner, invite them together, you’re better supporting her decisions or you’ll push her away.

No it’s not any of her business. Young adult is still an adult. Her DD could get married if she wanted and there would be nothing OP could or should do.

At some point you have to accept your children are not under your control any more.

And talking about power imbalance, I think it’s better to have a caring older partner than an overbearing parent at that age.

Don’t worry about expressing your disapproval.
My daughter was dating an absolute bell end and there was absolutely no way I was going to approve and tell her that he was a nice guy because he wasn’t. I was civil at best.
But she always knew he Wouldn’t be welcome in the family and if that was the path she was gonna go down it wouldn’t be as lovely and cozy. She was hoping her future might look like.
Ultimately, if you’ve got a good relationship, they will always choose you over any outsider

It is developmentally normal for your DD to distance from you a bit at this age. Parenting a young adult is quite the learning curve, I didn’t expect it to be as hard as I found it initially.

The age gap isn’t that wild, especially considering they are both students. I would try and push your concern about that aside. She will almost certainly experience painful breakups/get hurt - you cannot protect her from that.

Focus on being her stable base - part of that is backing off and actively learning how. I learnt a lot from friends/acquaintances with children older than mine and listened to a couple of audiobooks. The curveballs may be different but the underlying principles are pretty consistent.

Do you not think.that this is just her growing up and asserting her independence? Separating from your parents is a very important psychological stage in your mid teens - early 20s. You'll likely be closer again in a few years but the relationship will be more adult-adult

I didn't say it did. But part of parenting - a very important part IMVHO - is knowing when to let your child/ren make their own way in life, as an adult. Which means they get to make their own decisions. Even if you disagree with them.

As a parent you can advise, possibly guide - but it's not your role to 'monitor' your daughter's life and relationships.

He might have thought the same about you.
We all age.

You daughter? is a grown up.
Forget all about monitoring. It's bonkers.